A few days ago some friends and I were talking and it led me to admit that I am totally an "all in" kind of person. What I mean is that I know what I want, and I do not want to wait for it. I have very few virtues and I can assure you that patience is not one of them.
I have come to realize how difficult that can be when I happen to be head over heels for someone that is more a "thinker" and less an "all in" personality. When I push for things, his natural instinct is to think about all the millions of things that could go wrong.
It doesn't mean he doesn't long for the same things I do, it just means he is more cautious. Sometimes that makes me crazy. I am sure he would say the same about me. LOL
Just because I don't verbalize every fear that crosses my mind, it does not mean I haven't given them consideration. My idea is that I would rather try and fail than to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?"
When he brings up his fears, he thinks I dismiss them without giving them thought. That could not be farther from the truth. I worry about uprooting my children. I worry about not being the woman he thinks I am. I worry about a ton of things. However, to quote a line from my new favorite movie "You can have chicken shit or you can have chicken salad...which do you want?"
I want chicken salad damnit. I don't have all the answers. I can't promise that this won't be a mistake and that we won't get hurt, but I can promise that I am willing to take that first step and just trust that the rest of the staircase is there, even when I can't see it.
I can promise I won't push and I won't dismiss the fears. I will be the best mom I can be to my children and help them through this transition as much as humanly possible. I can promise you that I will be standing on my own two feet and not looking to you to catch me if I fall.
I don't have all (or even any) of the answers, but I do know unless we open that book, we will never know how this story ends.
I'm sorry that I am an "all in" type of girl, but in my defense, you knew that years ago. And in yours, I knew you tended to think and see things from all angles before proceeding. They say opposites attract, and goodness knows we attract, so from this point forward, I promise to appreciate our differences and stop trying to pound your square peg into the round hole. (Yes, I realize how that sounds and get your dirty minds out of the gutter...that was not what I meant. )
I can't say we won't get hurt, but I can say I will do my best to never hurt you again.
(Sorry, I said no blogs about us, but this was on my mind.)
