The Face in the Mirror

This weekend has been a difficult one. A few days ago I had my "aha" moment and have been reeling from it ever since. I found myself shutting down quite a bit and am only here now out of sheer force. I need to get this out and move on, so here I am.

Watching the man fight so hard for something that I know is over has been a trying experience. The other day when discussing with him my desire that he simply stop because being here with him was exhausting, it hit me. I held that mirror up and saw myself.

I do not want him in much the same way that you don't want me. It is exhausting dealing with someone that won't take "drop dead", or in our case, absolute silence; for an answer.I kept trying in the hopes that you would "get over it" and realize that I didn't mean what I said and forgive me. Your silence speaks far louder than your words ever did. You aren't going to get over it and while I own a lot of the blame, you have your share as well.

I had my second chance and didn't get it right. I can't continue to fight for something that only one of us wants. I am tired of being exhausted and I am tired of being exhausting. Time to face the girl in the mirror and let her know second chances are rare and third ones are non existent.

Moving on isn't fun, but sometimes loving someone means letting them go. I hope you find her...I will forever regret it wasn't me.

Update of sorts

I am hesitant to write this because I have a strict "all action/no talking" policy, but this isn't really about my future plans, so I am thinking I can allow myself this little therapy session.

Honestly, where this was headed just went straight out of my head...going to just type and see if I can find the focus. God help us all....

The other night in yet another attempt to discuss my future plans, the man asked me if I was having an affair. I said of course I was. I was leaving him for Kristen. I mean come on, you ask me a stupid question, you are going to get a smart ass answer.

Why is it that when a woman decides she has had enough that the man automatically assumes there is someone else? Am I not a strong person capable of standing on my own two feet? Do I look like I need a man to care for me? Okay, I am terrified of the future, but I will face it with my head held high and doing what is the absolute best thing for my children. Fuck needing a man, seriously.

Okay, maybe not totally. Do I want my happily ever after? Of course I do. I am, at heart, a hopeless romantic that believes in love. Will I jump into a new relationship simply because this one ended? No...been there, done that and lost someone very important to me as a result. This time my head leads and my heart shuts the fuck up.

The man is making an effort to make changes. He continues to ask me if it will be enough to change my mind and I continue to either avoid the subject or tell him as gently as possible, that no, it won't. Perhaps had he done this six or seven years ago, I would feel differently, but to try and beg for your life as they are pulling the switch on the chair, just screams of insincerity. If you were really interested in saving something, you would not wait until my foot is out the door.

I have been down this path far too many times. I have heard "I will change...it will be better" so often it should be stamped on my forehead. The fact is, it won't change. He will attempt to apply a band aid to something that requires a tourniquet and think it won't bleed to death. It already has bled out and the only hope of saving me is to walk away.

I am sure I will be called selfish. I am okay with that. I know the truth. Saving me is the priority because my children deserve a mom that is happy. Living this way has taken its toll and if I want my son and daughter to see how a marriage should be, I need to step away from a bad one. Never would I want my son to treat a woman the way I have allowed myself to be treated. Never do I want my daughter to think belittling and control are the norm.

He isn't an awful person. We both brought our own demons into this relationship, but this is poison and it is time I did what needs to be done. In the end, I know he will feel a sense of relief as well. He doesn't think so now because he is still in "keep her" mode. Once we are on the other side, I know he will be able to reflect and see he deserves so much more than what I gave him.

I don't want to hurt him. I just want to do what is best for all of us. In the end, people will be hurt and for that I am sorry, but it will only be temporary. In time, life will sort out and he will see how unhappy this time has been and have the ability to find the woman put here for him. I don't know who or where she is, but I do know, it isn't me. My heart was given away years ago and I never got it back...

Finding my way

Thanks to some quick thinking and some amazing friends, my Amazon account got a pretty nice deposit last night. I was able to purchase Caleb one of his "must haves" for Christmas and still have over 40 dollars remaining in "free money". I do so love free. I plan on sitting on the rest and watching out for some hot deals the closer we get to Black Friday.

Yesterday was not a great day. I woke up just irritable and couldn't seem to pull myself out. I knew it was a "me" problem and tried to let everyone know it wasn't personal, but I was a total bitch to deal with. I didn't even get a full walk in because my mood was so off. I came home instead and angry cleaned. Doing that and the laundry helped me wake up in much better spirits today. Knowing that the house isn't a wreck means I can focus on getting my work out in.

The situation with the demon is still not settled. Seems that no one wants him  next week. I suggested that the man call his mother (he does have a mother after all) and let him stay with her. Why it is everyone expects ME to have some great bond with this child when they all do not, is beyond me. His own mother doesn't want to see any of them. Am I the only one that grasp this?

So, it looks like I have two choices. Suck it up or use some of my saved funds and spend three days at a hotel. It is the holidays...in San Diego...not going to happen. So, apparently sucking it up is my only option. I do know that after Wednesday, he will be gone until Sunday. I guess I can handle that. I plan on taking Caleb and Emily out early every day and staying out late. The beach will be nice, they can spend a few hours there, we can pack a picnic, and then hit the park. If I time it right, we never have to see him. Tuesday's are free museum days, so that should be a fun experience too. Now is not the time for me to play fast and loose with my funds. As nice as it would be to have a getaway...the bigger picture is far more important.

I broke out in hives this morning? WTF?? I have had this happen a few times, but typically only during extremely stressful situations. I am not stressed at all. My body must not know what to do with calm. Planning on taking some Benydral when we get back from our walk. Hopefully that clears up the itching. I just think it is hysterical that my body is reacting to calm in this manner. I have some seriously messed up messages going on within there.

I was woken up last night by something crashing somewhere. I got up thinking it woke everyone up, but they were all sound asleep. I am starting to wonder if I was just having a vivid dream. I walked around and couldn't find anything out of place, so went back to bed hoping that someone wasn't breaking in through another room. Now I wonder if it wasn't someone sneaking in...funny how that didn't occur to me last night. I guess I need to check the kids room to see if I can find something amiss. I wouldn't put it past either of them to try and sneak out.

Oh well, as I like to chant often...not my problem. It would explain the bent screen in the girls room though.

Time to wake up Caleb and get this day started.

Excuses, excuses

After my day off due to illness yesterday, I knew it was going to be difficult to get myself up and going this morning. It started off with the pouring rain. Oh man, can't walk outside in the rain...must modify...mall walking? Sure, sounds good. Thankfully by the time I took Caleb to school, the rain was gone and the sun was shining. Walk around the lake it is.

My head hurt. Did I really want to walk with a headache? I was still recovering from yesterday, did I really want to push myself? It was too cold/hot...what if I got sick halfway through? Oh I had a million excuses. I was weak...I needed to eat more...what if the guy came to look at the leak while I was gone? I finally told myself to shut up and get out the door.

It helps that the second we walk in, Emily goes straight to the jogger and waits for me to put her in. She knows the routine and she loves it.

We hit the road and my pants literally keep falling down. This is where the bargaining begins. Well, I can't walk around with my pants constantly falling down. I will look silly. I will go to the end of the block and then turn around to go home. We get to the end of the block and I know Emily will be so disappointed if she doesn't see the lake. I keep moving forward.

We make it to the lake and the internal bargaining begins again. Maybe we will just do the half walk today instead of the figure eight. We reach the place where I can either turn right for the 1.5 walk or turn left and get a half mile. I turned right. The figure eight is the easiest most shaded walk after all.

We get around the lake and it starts again. I could just go straight and forget the last bit of the eight...that won't take off more than three fourths of a mile. I made the turn. Some time during the internal debate I just told myself enough was enough. There was no reason to modify the walk. I had done it ten times prior and today would be no different.

I do have a wicked headache and had to really push to complete the walk today, but the fact is, I did it. I refused to accept defeat and continued on. I am far stronger than I give myself credit for and I need to start realizing that.

Yes, I am exhausted and want to chill for a bit, but I did what needed to be done. Not too shabby for a rainy Thursday.

Lessons learned

I am officially into week 2 of Operation Skinny Ass and wanted to share a few of the lessons I learned this past week.

1. It doesn't matter what it is (low calorie brownies, Special K bars, etc) if I am eating/drinking it...my kids want it. If they were in the middle of the desert and dying of thirst, they wouldn't touch water. See me with a water bottle in my hand and suddenly water is the greatest thing they have ever had. 
2. I really prefer to walk alone. Well, alone with Emily. Emily just chills in her stroller listening to music and dancing. She doesn't question me on how slow/fast I am walking. She doesn't make me pull my earbuds out a million times to answer a question. Most importantly, she doesn't make me feel as though I have to prove myself. It is just she and I taking a walk.
3. There really is nothing that taste as good as skinny (or healthy) feels. 
4. The numbers on the scale do not define me, but my favorite pair of jeans that I am dying to fit into, do. 
5. Blisters heal so using them as an excuse not to walk is lame.
6. I should totally buy stock in Band Aid.
7. Special K Crisp taste just like my favorite Pop Tarts and have one third the calories. 
8. Sugar and I don't really need to have an intense love affair. The little bit I consume with my "sweet treats" is enough to satisfy that craving.
9. If I want the ice cream, I will have the ice cream. Funny thing...since I didn't ban the ice cream, I have no desire for it. 
10. My friends are amazing. When I am having an off day, they are right there to remind me that if I want to achieve this goal and am serious, I will find a way to modify and move on. Thanks to Kristen's pep talk yesterday, I hit the beach and put in more than four miles.
11. This journey isn't a sprint, it is a lifetime change. I will forever have to modify my food so that I can continue to remain healthy and at a weight I am comfortable.
12. I only have myself to compete with. I may not walk as far or as fast as other people, but I walk as far and as fast as I need to make myself feel better.
13. When doing more than four miles at the beach and you set the goal for the pier...always remember that you must walk BACK the same distance to get to the car. My feet are still angry with me for that one.
14. Love the person you see in the mirror. She will be with you for your entire lifetime. 
15. And finally...always be on the lookout for creepy neighbor guy at the lake. You never know when he is going to pop up and frankly, your upper body strength sucks, so you would have to outrun him. 

This week has been difficult and yet so fulfilling. I am starting to notice small changes and that just keeps me that much more motivated. Those moments I began to feel defeated, I reminded myself this was a choice I had made and last I checked, I didn't quit.

Here is to Operation Skinny Ass Week 2...I got this.

Down but far from out

I knew this weekend would be difficult for my workouts. I loathe change in my routines and having all the kids home was a change. I figured out how to work it out yesterday and was confident I could do the same today. Unfortunately, I didn't put myself first and am paying for it now.

Grocery shopping needed to be done. I promised Liz she could walk with me, etc. Instead of grabbing Emily and going the second I got up, I sat  here waiting for Liz to get up. By the time grocery shopping was done and I was home, it was 10:30 and she was still asleep. I finally got her up and we headed out at 11. Did I  mention it is 90 degrees?

I didn't even make it to the end of the street before I had sucked down almost half my water bottle. That same bottle that typically doesn't get touched until I am well more than halfway through the entire walk. I knew I was doomed. I made the decision that it wasn't going to happen. I was already covered in sweat and my water (which is a necessary evil for a girl with panic attacks) was not going to get me even to the lake, much less the entire walk.

I felt so frustrated and defeated turning back. I allowed myself a five minute pity party and then re-evaluated the day. I had spent the morning cleaning, that counts. I walked around the grocery store for an hour, that counted. I made it not quite a mile on the ill fated walk, that counted. While it is not the four miles I wanted, it was something and the day isn't over. I will get those four miles in before the moon hits the sky.

Caleb is begging me to go swimming and honestly, it is warm enough. Maybe I should just give in and swim some laps for something different. It really isn't important how I get the exercise in, just that I do.

I did find some great alternative to my Pop Tart addiction. Yes, pop tarts were thrown out with the "no sugar" rule. It was a sad day, but Special K has their own slightly different version. I am looking forward to my 100 calorie non Pop Tarts in the morning. I am sure they will be just as delicious as my 90 calorie brownies.

I need to get up and do something before I allow myself to listen to the inner demon telling me to "take the day off". Not.Going.To.Happen.

Changing it up a bit

I knew the weekend would present me with hurdles. I was prepared for it. The oldest had a school function early this morning which meant I could either drag Caleb with me for a shorter walk or figure out something else. Emily woke up even croupier than yesterday and did not look like a candidate to get out at 7 am and walk in the cold.

I pondered it for a bit and decided that the house could stand my attention. So, instead of the morning walk, I spent the morning cleaning the house top to bottom and had the oldest promise he would watch the little ones tonight so I could take my walk alone. I will NOT simply skip the walk. That isn't going to happen. This is far too important to me.

Now the house is clean and I am bored. My body is begging to get out and take a walk. My eyes then glance at the sick little girl on the couch and realize that just isn't fair to her. I typically bundle her up and just go, but today is different. She feels terrible and Caleb can't be left here with the demon spawn so chances are the walk would not be that long anyway.

I was going through the toy closet today thinking "this needs to go, when did we get that? WTH is this?" Time to do some purging. Monday morning I will be making a run to the donation center. With Christmas coming up, we are already bursting at the seams and I really have to thin out some of the stuff.

I have kicked the idea around of selling Em's playhouse. Since the move, it sits out on the patio and she rarely goes out to play in it. Part of me says hold on to it for the future...I don't know what kind of housing we will have a year from now, but the other part says "where in the hell are you going to put that thing during the transition?" It is HUGE.

For now it remains on the patio. No decisions need to be made today. Things have been calm and so I should still have plenty of time to work out those details.

In a few weeks I will actually get a weekend (at least part of it) to myself. It has been so long since I have been here alone. The man is taking the kids to visit his family for some reunion thing and oddly enough, I have no desire to go. I assume it will be during that weekend he will inform them of the decisions, so it should be a fun "Ange is an absolute Bitch" type weekend. I plan on hanging out here and reacquainting myself with the hot tub.

I am fairly certain that he will also leave for the holidays. There was talk about him staying here this year, but since the "talk" he seems more resolved to just go. I hope he does. I need the break in all honesty. If so, another day of just me and the hot tub. Just hope crazy ex neighbor doesn't come over and catch me. *shudder*

I was seriously skittish the first time Em and I went back to the lake following his "surprise" visit the other day. Here she is holding my very non lost phone and I look like the big liar that I was. Thankfully we didn't see them. I just worry because they live right across the street and I have to pass in front of their complex twice on the route. Ugh..if Lake Jennings weren't so far down, we would go there instead, but that requires me to drive and then walk. That just seems silly. I will deal with the potential uncovering of my lies.

He mentioned he had been trying to locate me on Facebook. Good luck with that. My first name is spelled really oddly and you will never get it right. Add to that the fact I misspelled my last name when you asked me how to spell it and I feel pretty confident I won't be found. Yes, I am a horrible person. I am aware.

Getting my nails done yesterday was a nice treat. I haven't had it done in months. I didn't even have to dip into my funds. The man had offered to do it weeks ago and so I took that as "sure, use my money" yesterday when I hit the salon. See my above "horrible person" comment. :)

Oh well, in a few hours I can get my workout in and then hopefully crash for the night. If Em isn't better tomorrow, to the doctor we go.