It is getting more and more difficult to pretend. I have times, sometimes hours out of the day, that I can put a smile on my face and pretend this is okay. I can pretend that I am happy and can make this work. Five minutes at home reminds me it will never work. I simply can't do this and remain sane. Okay, perhaps sane is overstating my mental capabilities, but how about somewhat sane?
When it is just he and I, it isn't awful. It isn't all "oh I am so happy and in love", but it isn't me plotting my quickest escape. No, that happens when we walk through these doors and re enter hell. The absolute disrespect shown to me by his children wears me down. As I am telling one of them to stop doing something he is laughing in my face. He knows damn well my word means nothing and he will get away with it time and time again. I don't want to live in a home where I am treated like trash. I must get out.
Easier said than done. Fear is a big factor in why I stay. Do you think that makes me proud? It doesn't. It makes me angry that at the age of 42, I am still too scared to walk off that cliff. So what if I fall? I have had no less than a dozen people offer me help and yet here I sit, crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I guess the fear is that they will figure out the "real me" and turn their backs.
Perhaps they will discover I am indeed as crazy as I have been told all these years and turn their backs. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. So tired of feeling like I will simply never measure up. Tired of feeling like no one could ever possibly love me. The real me. The one that spends so much time in her own head remind herself what an absolute failure she is. So tired of pretending like I just ran into something and that is why I am crying so that my kids don't know I am dying on the inside.
I remember happy. Happy was a quiet day with friends. An afternoon at the mall with the little ones. No worries, just us enjoying each other. An unexpected laugh over something entirely too silly to explain to anyone else. I miss happy. I miss me. Hell, I don't even know if I remember me.
I sat here tonight and tried to discuss with him some issues. I don't know why I even try. Within moments it was all my fault and I am breaking this "happy family". Do you think I like the idea of taking my children away from their father? The idea tears my heart out, but damnit, when do I get my chance at happy? Why does it make me a terrible mother to want more?
My greatest dream is not to go back to Texas with my tail tucked between my legs and admit to my family that once again I fucked up, but if that is where life takes me, then so be it. I just want to be the best mom to my children that I can. Living in, if not misery, than serious unhappiness, is not helping me be that mother. Will it be easy? No. Am I terrified? Without a doubt. Will I find the courage to walk out that door? I wish I knew.
One foot in front of the other...all the while praying to God I don't fall flat on my face.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Hang on, don't let go
There are days that I wonder if I can do this. Breakdowns are not fun, but I know that my body and my mind eventually reach the point of no more and I have to let it out. Thankfully I have come a long way from my hiding under the covers and hoping it all goes away. I have the ability to at the very least get up, get moving, and be the mom my children deserve. Sort of.
They notice my impatience with everyday nuisances, but know it isn't directed at them. I rarely smile, but always try and find one for them. It just sucks.
A few days ago I was told I never see the positive side of life. I disagree greatly with with that statement. It hurts me that the man who claims to know me better than anyone honestly doesn't know me at all. Our marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. I don't "just remember" the negatives. It just happens to be that we have more negative experiences than positive.
After the incident with his family member, I hoped that he would stand up for me and tell the person that she had no right to bring that drama to my door. For the first day, he did seem supportive, but I know him and I knew it was just a matter of time before it became my fault.
Sure enough, suddenly it was me that had put it out there for others to read. It was me that simply couldn't have a positive outlook on life. It was me that caused all these problems simply because I don't know how to be happy.
I do know how to be happy. I laugh often. I just don't feel as though this is a place that is healthy for me and conducive to my finding happiness.
Today is a prime example. One of the children has a project due tomorrow. I found this out via text this morning when she demanded I run out and get the necessary supplies. Suddenly I am a terrible person because I feel that she should be held responsible for failing to take care of the matter before now. In my mind if you weren't worried about letting me know this the fifty times we have been to the store in the past month, I shouldn't be running around town at the last minute getting things.
The biggest problem is the voice in my head telling me that I am negative and can't remain positive. It is so damn loud that I swear it is giving me a headache. I also hear my husband saying "I work my ass off too, but don't expect praise for it". I don't expect praise. I expect a fucking break once a year. I wake up before the children just so I get an hour of quiet. I don't fall asleep until the last child is in bed. I run my ass all over town to get them to and from school each day. I maintain our home. I never get so much as ten minutes to myself outside of this house.
If I leave the house, I must be doing bad things. My trips to the gym? Gone. My walks around the lake? Gone. My husband works such crazy hours that by the time he gets home, I am exhausted from all the running around. Sorry, but the gym at 10 pm is not my idea of fun.
I want an hour at the beach with a book and no one saying my name. I want to sit and count the waves without having to count children in the water. I want to turn my ipod on really loud and not once have to take the earbuds out because someone needs to talk to me RIGHT NOW.
I feel like if I don't get this soon, I am going to suffer another breakdown. My body is wearing down. I am not eating, barely sleeping, and just starting not to care.
How can I see the positives in life when I can't even see the sun?
They notice my impatience with everyday nuisances, but know it isn't directed at them. I rarely smile, but always try and find one for them. It just sucks.
A few days ago I was told I never see the positive side of life. I disagree greatly with with that statement. It hurts me that the man who claims to know me better than anyone honestly doesn't know me at all. Our marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. I don't "just remember" the negatives. It just happens to be that we have more negative experiences than positive.
After the incident with his family member, I hoped that he would stand up for me and tell the person that she had no right to bring that drama to my door. For the first day, he did seem supportive, but I know him and I knew it was just a matter of time before it became my fault.
Sure enough, suddenly it was me that had put it out there for others to read. It was me that simply couldn't have a positive outlook on life. It was me that caused all these problems simply because I don't know how to be happy.
I do know how to be happy. I laugh often. I just don't feel as though this is a place that is healthy for me and conducive to my finding happiness.
Today is a prime example. One of the children has a project due tomorrow. I found this out via text this morning when she demanded I run out and get the necessary supplies. Suddenly I am a terrible person because I feel that she should be held responsible for failing to take care of the matter before now. In my mind if you weren't worried about letting me know this the fifty times we have been to the store in the past month, I shouldn't be running around town at the last minute getting things.
The biggest problem is the voice in my head telling me that I am negative and can't remain positive. It is so damn loud that I swear it is giving me a headache. I also hear my husband saying "I work my ass off too, but don't expect praise for it". I don't expect praise. I expect a fucking break once a year. I wake up before the children just so I get an hour of quiet. I don't fall asleep until the last child is in bed. I run my ass all over town to get them to and from school each day. I maintain our home. I never get so much as ten minutes to myself outside of this house.
If I leave the house, I must be doing bad things. My trips to the gym? Gone. My walks around the lake? Gone. My husband works such crazy hours that by the time he gets home, I am exhausted from all the running around. Sorry, but the gym at 10 pm is not my idea of fun.
I want an hour at the beach with a book and no one saying my name. I want to sit and count the waves without having to count children in the water. I want to turn my ipod on really loud and not once have to take the earbuds out because someone needs to talk to me RIGHT NOW.
I feel like if I don't get this soon, I am going to suffer another breakdown. My body is wearing down. I am not eating, barely sleeping, and just starting not to care.
How can I see the positives in life when I can't even see the sun?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Here we go again
This is my third blog. I had one that was private, but I have reason to believe it might have been discovered and I am so tired of thinking before I write. My life is a mess, but I am going to find my way through it. I have come so far these past few years and I will be damned if I let a few dramatic freaks ruin all that progress. Welcome to my freedom.
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