There are days that I wonder if I can do this. Breakdowns are not fun, but I know that my body and my mind eventually reach the point of no more and I have to let it out. Thankfully I have come a long way from my hiding under the covers and hoping it all goes away. I have the ability to at the very least get up, get moving, and be the mom my children deserve. Sort of.
They notice my impatience with everyday nuisances, but know it isn't directed at them. I rarely smile, but always try and find one for them. It just sucks.
A few days ago I was told I never see the positive side of life. I disagree greatly with with that statement. It hurts me that the man who claims to know me better than anyone honestly doesn't know me at all. Our marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. I don't "just remember" the negatives. It just happens to be that we have more negative experiences than positive.
After the incident with his family member, I hoped that he would stand up for me and tell the person that she had no right to bring that drama to my door. For the first day, he did seem supportive, but I know him and I knew it was just a matter of time before it became my fault.
Sure enough, suddenly it was me that had put it out there for others to read. It was me that simply couldn't have a positive outlook on life. It was me that caused all these problems simply because I don't know how to be happy.
I do know how to be happy. I laugh often. I just don't feel as though this is a place that is healthy for me and conducive to my finding happiness.
Today is a prime example. One of the children has a project due tomorrow. I found this out via text this morning when she demanded I run out and get the necessary supplies. Suddenly I am a terrible person because I feel that she should be held responsible for failing to take care of the matter before now. In my mind if you weren't worried about letting me know this the fifty times we have been to the store in the past month, I shouldn't be running around town at the last minute getting things.
The biggest problem is the voice in my head telling me that I am negative and can't remain positive. It is so damn loud that I swear it is giving me a headache. I also hear my husband saying "I work my ass off too, but don't expect praise for it". I don't expect praise. I expect a fucking break once a year. I wake up before the children just so I get an hour of quiet. I don't fall asleep until the last child is in bed. I run my ass all over town to get them to and from school each day. I maintain our home. I never get so much as ten minutes to myself outside of this house.
If I leave the house, I must be doing bad things. My trips to the gym? Gone. My walks around the lake? Gone. My husband works such crazy hours that by the time he gets home, I am exhausted from all the running around. Sorry, but the gym at 10 pm is not my idea of fun.
I want an hour at the beach with a book and no one saying my name. I want to sit and count the waves without having to count children in the water. I want to turn my ipod on really loud and not once have to take the earbuds out because someone needs to talk to me RIGHT NOW.
I feel like if I don't get this soon, I am going to suffer another breakdown. My body is wearing down. I am not eating, barely sleeping, and just starting not to care.
How can I see the positives in life when I can't even see the sun?
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