What a day

I woke up in such a good mood and it seems like the stars aligned and did their very best to ruin that mood. The good news is that with a few deep breaths, a few screams into my pillow, and perhaps an F bomb or twenty, I won out and my mood is still on the decent side. I am annoyed though and figure what better place to get those annoyances out than  here. Time for a bullet presentation of what exactly is working Ange's last nerve today.

• While I never experimented with recreational drugs, I did not grow up under a rock. I fully understand the meaning behind "4/20", so when my fourteen year old daughter decides to put up as her status on Facebook "Happy 4/20 Day" I AM going to say something. I don't care if that angers her or not. Act stupid and you will hear from me. The resulting sassy mouth has left me reaching for the tequila bottle frequently. Sadly, the tequila taste a lot like a strawberry shake since I refuse to drink while alone with the kids. Damn this responsible parenting. 
• My mini me and her ever changing mind. I want her home more than words can express, but I can't continue to ride this roller coaster known as Whitney. "I want to come home. Well, I want to come home, but I want to go back for a month and then come home for good in June. I can't afford a ticket back so I'm not coming. Okay, Matt is willing to buy me a ticket, but I have to be home by the 30th." My head hurts just typing that. She NEEDS to come home. End.Of.Story. She does  not need to go back there. I have found out something that disturbs me greatly and my only goal is to get her back here so I can get her finished with school and on the right path again.
• What did I discover? You might want to reach for the vodka..this is a good one. First, the HOW I discovered it...my mother and I spoke yesterday. She began with "There is something I need to tell you, but you have to promise me you won't say a word." That is never a good start. It seems that Whitney has moved out of her father's home. Now, I knew that much since I pay attention on Facebook. Yes, I discovered my MINOR daughter moved out of her dad's home via FB. Isn't technology grand? That isn't what bothered me. She is almost 18. She is holding down a job. If she can afford to get out and care for herself and Braiden these last few weeks until she moves back here...no problem. Wait, there is more?

Oh yes, there is more. The girl she is living with? Oh yes, she apparently is the girlfriend of Braiden's father. You know him...the piece of shit that hasn't paid one dime in support to Braiden's care? Yeah, him. Oh wait, did I mention...she is pregnant? Yes...rumor has it that my beautiful, seemingly intelligent daughter has lost her damn mind and moved in with the father of her child's pregnant girlfriend. Why no, I don't know why that would worry me at all. 

I promised to take each day as it came and not freak out over things I couldn't handle or didn't have answers for. One day at a time is my new motto, but today has been an absolute test of my strength. 

I will say that I haven't completely flipped. I am annoyed and a bit stressed, but not necessarily about my future. I will figure this out step by step. I am more annoyed that my daughter's are acting so completely nuts. It makes me realize how badly things got messed up so many years ago. I should have fought harder back then, but I was one person fighting fifteen. 

I can't change the past. The best I can do is promise Caleb and Emily that I will do my best by them. I am not the same girl that came to California all those years ago. I am stronger and am no longer alone. I have amazing friends and my mother and I are rebuilding a relationship and I know she will be by my side if  I need her. That is enough for me.

So, there you have it...time to shake this negativity and focus on what tomorrow might bring.

Finding my way

As I go back and read the few entries I wrote before I abandoned this blog, I see a recurring theme. I am so over myself. I whine far too much.

Tomorrow will be the day I blog it all out and get it out of my system.

I so miss writing. I miss putting it all out there and getting an understanding from the words. My head is all crowded with all the things I "can't" say on the other blog. Truth be told, there are things I won't say here either, but for different reasons. You scare easily and we are in a good place right now, so I am going to keep a few walls about halfway up for the moment.

I did miss you today. Thursdays are quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week because I know you need to sleep to get ready to head back to work. You spoil me on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I need to learn to live with disappointment.

I had a great talk with my mom. Funny, once I let her in on my big "secret" we have really opened up even more. Who would have thought that you would be the subject that brought us even closer together? Okay, not so much you personally, but the fact that I was able to open up to her and be vulnerable and not worry what she might say or do. That is huge for me. It feels good to have my mom in my life. I would say back in my life, but my mom and I have never had this type of relationship, so it is all new.

I am working really hard to do the whole "one day at a time" thing. You know me, I am a planner, but so far so good. I am going to get where I need to be one step at a time and I don't need to have this whole big FIVE YEAR PLAN in place...the next five hours are more than enough. (Yeah, I am making fun of you...it's what I do best).

So, for those that I just sent this link to...welcome to the rest of my life. I have hidden this blog pretty well, so I feel fairly confident about writing without reserve. I just ask that you not mention the name of this blog on Momaroo. Facebook is safe and I will be posting my link there from time to time, but never on Xanga.

Thanks guys...hope you aren't bored out of your mind.