Realizations

A few weeks ago I began two new medications. My panic attacks were out of control and the stress on my body had just reached a breaking point. I have now been informed it might be a thyroid issue, but have learned that in times of intense stress, one can throw their thyroid out of whack and once the stress is relieved, things balance out again. I go back in a month for a recheck and we should know something at that time.

Anyway, after having it confirmed that my stress level was at an all time high, the kind doctor gave me the two magic pills to help me though the day. Never in my life have I had to take two, but apparently I looked that nuts. Things are better, but I have a long way to go before I can consider myself "normal".

I decided after the fog had begun to clear that perhaps it would be a good time to reevaluate my relationship and see if my "mental instability" was the cause of the conflicts. I spent the last week doing my best to come at things with a different attitude. I was quieter, less quick to anger (totally due to the meds), and really focused on how I spoke and responded to things. Part of me just had to know if my mental break was the problem or was I right in thinking there was more at work.

Well, I can tell you that my mental break is NOT the problem. Communication is still such a joke and I have an even clearer view of the failings in this relationship. Things are fine as long as I am "yes'ing" him to death, but the moment I express an opinion that does not fall in line with his, we are back to square one.

His son is still a huge problem in our lives. The way he continues to refuse to enforce rules and allow him to do as he pleases further proves that we will never see eye to eye.

I think he had  hoped that me medicated would simply make me easier to control. Unfortunately for him it has just given me my voice back minus much of the delicate emotions behind it. I don't cry. I don't yell. I make calm statements about what is wrong in our marriage and how I don't see it ever resolving.

While I still don't have answers as to how and when exactly I am making this break; I know without a moments hesitation it will be sooner rather than later and that the children and I are going to be just fine. God is already putting things in place to make the adjustment easier on all of us.

I learned a few days ago that Caleb's beloved principal will be leaving his school at the end of the year. He is less upset at the idea of leaving as a result. The large acting gig I beg to work every year, but never seem to fit in a needed role, has been semi confirmed for me. I am just waiting on my schedule to find out how often I will be utilized to determine how much I will be paid. It is a month long project with several of us playing the same role, but even a minimum of five performances pads my "move fund" greatly.

My heart and soul loves Southern California. I, as well as Caleb and  Em, are total beach bums, but if life takes us back to Texas, last I checked we had some beautiful beaches there as well. Yes, they are more than a twenty minute car ride, but just think of the fun we can have driving to South Padre for a week? If life carries me elsewhere, I am okay with that too. My home is simply where my children and I lay our head in peace, the address is just logistics.

So, here you have me...heavily medicated, but completely calm and at peace with whatever comes my way. It feels good...I gotta say.