What a day

I woke up in such a good mood and it seems like the stars aligned and did their very best to ruin that mood. The good news is that with a few deep breaths, a few screams into my pillow, and perhaps an F bomb or twenty, I won out and my mood is still on the decent side. I am annoyed though and figure what better place to get those annoyances out than  here. Time for a bullet presentation of what exactly is working Ange's last nerve today.

• While I never experimented with recreational drugs, I did not grow up under a rock. I fully understand the meaning behind "4/20", so when my fourteen year old daughter decides to put up as her status on Facebook "Happy 4/20 Day" I AM going to say something. I don't care if that angers her or not. Act stupid and you will hear from me. The resulting sassy mouth has left me reaching for the tequila bottle frequently. Sadly, the tequila taste a lot like a strawberry shake since I refuse to drink while alone with the kids. Damn this responsible parenting. 
• My mini me and her ever changing mind. I want her home more than words can express, but I can't continue to ride this roller coaster known as Whitney. "I want to come home. Well, I want to come home, but I want to go back for a month and then come home for good in June. I can't afford a ticket back so I'm not coming. Okay, Matt is willing to buy me a ticket, but I have to be home by the 30th." My head hurts just typing that. She NEEDS to come home. End.Of.Story. She does  not need to go back there. I have found out something that disturbs me greatly and my only goal is to get her back here so I can get her finished with school and on the right path again.
• What did I discover? You might want to reach for the vodka..this is a good one. First, the HOW I discovered it...my mother and I spoke yesterday. She began with "There is something I need to tell you, but you have to promise me you won't say a word." That is never a good start. It seems that Whitney has moved out of her father's home. Now, I knew that much since I pay attention on Facebook. Yes, I discovered my MINOR daughter moved out of her dad's home via FB. Isn't technology grand? That isn't what bothered me. She is almost 18. She is holding down a job. If she can afford to get out and care for herself and Braiden these last few weeks until she moves back here...no problem. Wait, there is more?

Oh yes, there is more. The girl she is living with? Oh yes, she apparently is the girlfriend of Braiden's father. You know him...the piece of shit that hasn't paid one dime in support to Braiden's care? Yeah, him. Oh wait, did I mention...she is pregnant? Yes...rumor has it that my beautiful, seemingly intelligent daughter has lost her damn mind and moved in with the father of her child's pregnant girlfriend. Why no, I don't know why that would worry me at all. 

I promised to take each day as it came and not freak out over things I couldn't handle or didn't have answers for. One day at a time is my new motto, but today has been an absolute test of my strength. 

I will say that I haven't completely flipped. I am annoyed and a bit stressed, but not necessarily about my future. I will figure this out step by step. I am more annoyed that my daughter's are acting so completely nuts. It makes me realize how badly things got messed up so many years ago. I should have fought harder back then, but I was one person fighting fifteen. 

I can't change the past. The best I can do is promise Caleb and Emily that I will do my best by them. I am not the same girl that came to California all those years ago. I am stronger and am no longer alone. I have amazing friends and my mother and I are rebuilding a relationship and I know she will be by my side if  I need her. That is enough for me.

So, there you have it...time to shake this negativity and focus on what tomorrow might bring.

Finding my way

As I go back and read the few entries I wrote before I abandoned this blog, I see a recurring theme. I am so over myself. I whine far too much.

Tomorrow will be the day I blog it all out and get it out of my system.

I so miss writing. I miss putting it all out there and getting an understanding from the words. My head is all crowded with all the things I "can't" say on the other blog. Truth be told, there are things I won't say here either, but for different reasons. You scare easily and we are in a good place right now, so I am going to keep a few walls about halfway up for the moment.

I did miss you today. Thursdays are quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week because I know you need to sleep to get ready to head back to work. You spoil me on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I need to learn to live with disappointment.

I had a great talk with my mom. Funny, once I let her in on my big "secret" we have really opened up even more. Who would have thought that you would be the subject that brought us even closer together? Okay, not so much you personally, but the fact that I was able to open up to her and be vulnerable and not worry what she might say or do. That is huge for me. It feels good to have my mom in my life. I would say back in my life, but my mom and I have never had this type of relationship, so it is all new.

I am working really hard to do the whole "one day at a time" thing. You know me, I am a planner, but so far so good. I am going to get where I need to be one step at a time and I don't need to have this whole big FIVE YEAR PLAN in place...the next five hours are more than enough. (Yeah, I am making fun of you...it's what I do best).

So, for those that I just sent this link to...welcome to the rest of my life. I have hidden this blog pretty well, so I feel fairly confident about writing without reserve. I just ask that you not mention the name of this blog on Momaroo. Facebook is safe and I will be posting my link there from time to time, but never on Xanga.

Thanks guys...hope you aren't bored out of your mind.

Keep hanging on

Since you gave me the advice to always find a reason to smile (outside of the nothing that is you), I have taken it to heart and really given it my all. I can admit that it hasn't been that difficult to find things to smile about. I mean, I am mom to two of the most adorable kids on the planet, so life can't be all bad.

Today was the start of the weekend. You know how hard weekends are for me. I was determined to remain smiling no matter what. Damn, it was difficult. I knew it was crucial to get out of the house. If I stayed here I might fall victim to the latest nonsense with the middle son. I have thus far refrained from yelling out "You are both stupid idiots...you for thinking I would buy your story and you for allowing your son to be this way", but the urge gets stronger as the days drag on. Getting out was a must. Now, where to go?

We could go out just the two of us, but the thought of that isn't overly appealing. If we go somewhere as a family, the odds that I am going to blow my stack runs even  higher. What is a girl on the verge of losing it to do? Plan something she is pretty positive the middle child won't want to do...yes, that is the idea.

I proposed the beach. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and we both know how much I love the beach. So, I hit up Caleb first. He is game. Emily loves the beach as much as I do, so I knew she would be thrilled. Liz was next and she was a go. Now came the tricky part...the boys. My gamble paid off and the middle one didn't want to go. The idea of a few hours home alone was far too tempting. One point for me.

My thoughts were that with the main issue out of the way, this would be a nice trip. I forgot about the bigger issue.

He couldn't find a shirt. Where were all his shirts? The twenty hanging up weren't the ones he wanted. He wanted the gray one, where was it? Well, I was doing laundry...perhaps it was in the dyer. If not there, I had a load in the washer. He goes out to look and "can't find anything in that mess". Um, it is the dryer...I don't typically fold them until after they are done. I wasn't aware they should dry neatly in the tumble dry.

I take a different approach; instead of losing my mind, I go out to the dryer and take the clothes out to see if I can locate a shirt. I found 5. None of them were the one he wanted, so he finally chose one that was hanging up. We were going to the beach. The shirt was going to come off the second we smelled salt water...what was the big deal? I remind myself that I can't change him, I could only change how I respond to him. Smile, smile, smile.

We finally head to the car. "Why are these straws in here? We can't go with the car like this." There were two random straws from a Sonic run as well s a handful of wrapped peppermints. I didn't realize it was an issue. We load up and aren't even out of the driveway before the next issue arises. "How much gas did you put in here? You burned that much gas since yesterday morning? You know your car sucks gas...what were you thinking?"

Well, I put 20 bucks in yesterday morning. I then drove all the kids to school. At 12:45 I drove back to Caleb's school to drop off his cupcakes and then to Liz's school to take her out early so I could then drive to Santee to pick up Caleb's balloon bouquet. I then picked up the two older boys from school, came back home and went back to pick up Caleb. I was conned into happy hour at Sonic (hence the straws and peppermints) so that was another trip to Santee. At 4 I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up his cake and stopped at McDonald's on the way home for his birthday dinner. Apparently that took up most of my gas. Gas which I paid for with my own money, so fuck you very much.

No, I didn't say that. I smiled and simply said that I would remember not to suggest an outing as a family again if we were so concerned about the gas. He rolled his eyes and I just smiled.

We make it to the beach. I immediately feel peace. I love it there so much. It is a gorgeous day and parking is bad, but the beach is not overly crowded. For the first fifteen minutes or so it is calm. He is helping chase after Em, I am taking tons of pictures, life is good.

As always happens, he retires back to the towels. I don't mind. I am enjoying the time with the kids. It is really difficult to be pissy at the beach. Emily is having the time of her life splashing in the water. It is freaking cold, but I follow her right in. Caleb is digging in the sand up near the towels. Liz and Jake are down at the water's edge with me playing with Em. We are having a blast. I even caught myself really laughing at times. It felt great.

Suddenly I noticed the signs. Matt checking his phone (he doesn't wear a watch, that is his clock). Getting up and pacing. Putting his shirt back on to come down to talk. He is cold and hungry. Are we ready to go? We had been there half an hour. WTF?? No, I am not ready to go. I am enjoying myself and we just got here.

We make it to an hour and then he is done. He entices the kids with food and they reluctantly say okay. He promises we can go back tomorrow. On the way home it starts again. What do I want to eat? Why don't I have an opinion? Del Taco was brought up BY him. Caleb is focused on that. Suddenly maybe Costco is a better idea. What does everyone think? Caleb still wants Del Taco. Jake and Liz want Costco. Now he is pissed at Caleb for not changing his mind.

We get home to find a letter from the child support division. He immediately hands it to me. In spite of the fact that I have given them her social security number, her employers phone number, her employers address, her last known address, etc. they are unable to locate her. They are requesting address of family or friends that might know her whereabouts. I am simply reading the paper to him. He jumps in angrily "I am not involving her family in this mess". No one asked you to. I am simply reading the paper to you. You have the choice to either provide the information necessary to collect child support or you can continue to allow her to do nothing to help financially with her children. What you cannot do is bitch and moan to me after making this choice.

Yep, that pissed him off. How dare I act like that. I reiterated that I wasn't making a judgment, but merely stating a fact. If he chooses not to assist them in finding her, he has no right to bitch at the lack of progress.

It was at that point that I just put my earbuds in and cranked up the tunes. I am okay and that is all that matters. I just wish he made it easier at times.

Laughing felt good...maybe I should do it more often. Proud of me? Doesn't matter...I am proud of me.

Where did the Exit sign go?

It is getting more and more difficult to pretend. I have times, sometimes hours out of the day, that I can put a smile on my face and pretend this is okay. I can pretend that I am happy and can make this work. Five minutes at home reminds me it will never work. I simply can't do this and remain sane. Okay, perhaps sane is overstating my mental capabilities, but how about somewhat sane?

When it is just he and I, it isn't awful. It isn't all "oh I am so happy and in love", but it isn't me plotting my quickest escape. No, that happens when we walk through these doors and re enter hell. The absolute disrespect shown to me by his children wears me down. As I am telling one of them to stop doing something he is laughing in my face. He knows damn well my word means nothing and he will get away with it time and time again. I don't want to live in a home where I am treated like trash. I must get out.

Easier said than done. Fear is a big factor in why I stay. Do you think that makes me proud? It doesn't. It makes me angry that at the age of 42, I am still too scared to walk off that cliff. So what if I fall? I have had no less than a dozen people offer me help and yet here I sit, crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I guess the fear is that they will figure out the "real me" and turn their backs.

Perhaps they will discover I am indeed as crazy as I have been told all these years and turn their backs. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. So tired of feeling like I will simply never measure up. Tired of feeling like no one could ever possibly love me. The real me. The one that spends so much time in her own head remind herself what an absolute failure she is. So tired of pretending like I just ran into something and that is why I am crying so that my kids don't know I am dying on the inside.

I remember happy. Happy was a quiet day with friends. An afternoon at the mall with the little ones. No worries, just us enjoying each other. An unexpected laugh over something entirely too silly to explain to anyone else. I miss happy. I miss me. Hell, I don't even know if I remember me.

I sat here tonight and tried to discuss with him some issues. I don't know why I even try. Within moments it was all my fault and I am breaking this "happy family". Do you think I like the idea of taking my children away from their father? The idea tears my heart out, but damnit, when do I get my chance at happy? Why does it make me a terrible mother to want more?

My greatest dream is not to go back to Texas with my tail tucked between my legs and admit to my family that once again I fucked up, but if that is where life takes me, then so be it. I just want to be the best mom to my children that I can. Living in, if not misery, than serious unhappiness, is not helping me be that mother. Will it be easy? No. Am I terrified? Without a doubt. Will I find the courage to walk out that door? I wish I knew.

One foot in front of the other...all the while praying to God I don't fall flat on my face.

Hang on, don't let go

There are days that I wonder if I can do this. Breakdowns are not fun, but I know that my body and my mind eventually reach the point of no more and I have to let it out. Thankfully I have come a long way from my hiding under the covers and hoping it all goes away. I have the ability to at the very least get up, get moving, and be the mom my children deserve. Sort of.

They notice my impatience with everyday nuisances, but know it isn't directed at them. I rarely smile, but always try and find one for them. It just sucks.

A few days ago I was told I never see the positive side of life. I disagree greatly with with that statement. It hurts me that the man who claims to know me better than anyone honestly doesn't know me at all. Our marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. I don't "just remember" the negatives. It just happens to be that we have  more negative experiences than positive.

After the incident with his family member, I hoped that he would stand up for me and tell the person that she had no right to bring that drama to my door. For the first day, he did seem supportive, but I know him and I knew it was just a matter of time before it became my fault.

Sure enough, suddenly it was me that had put it out there for others to read. It was me that simply couldn't have a positive outlook on life. It was me that caused all these problems simply because I don't know how to be happy.

I do know how to be happy. I laugh often. I just don't feel as though this is a place that is healthy for me and conducive to my finding happiness.

Today is a prime example. One of the children has a project due tomorrow. I found this out via text this morning when she demanded I run out and get the necessary supplies. Suddenly I am a terrible person because I feel that she should be held responsible for failing to take care of the matter before now. In my mind if you weren't worried about letting me know this the fifty times we have been to the store in the past month, I shouldn't be running around town at the last minute getting things.

The biggest problem is the voice in my head telling me that I am negative and can't remain positive. It is so damn loud that I swear it is giving me a headache. I also hear my husband saying "I work my ass off too, but don't expect praise for it". I don't expect praise. I expect a fucking break once a year. I wake up before the children just so I get an hour of quiet. I don't fall asleep until the last child is in bed. I run my ass all over town to get them to and from school each day. I maintain our home. I never get so much as ten minutes to myself outside of this house.

If I leave the house, I must be doing bad things. My trips to the gym? Gone. My walks around the lake? Gone. My husband works such crazy hours that by the time he gets home, I am exhausted from all the running around. Sorry, but the gym at 10 pm is not my idea of fun.

I want an hour at the beach with a book and no one saying my name. I want to sit and count the waves without having to count children in the water. I want to turn my ipod on really loud and not once have to take the earbuds out because someone needs to talk to me RIGHT NOW.

I feel like if I don't get this soon, I am going to suffer another breakdown. My body is wearing down. I am not eating, barely sleeping, and just starting not to care.

How can I see the positives in life when I can't even see the sun?

Here we go again

This is my third blog. I had one that was private, but I have reason to believe it might have been discovered and I am so tired of thinking before I write. My life is a mess, but I am going to find my way through it. I have come so far these past few years and I will be damned if I let a few dramatic freaks ruin all that progress. Welcome to my freedom.