A few days ago some friends and I were talking and it led me to admit that I am totally an "all in" kind of person. What I mean is that I know what I want, and I do not want to wait for it. I have very few virtues and I can assure you that patience is not one of them.
I have come to realize how difficult that can be when I happen to be head over heels for someone that is more a "thinker" and less an "all in" personality. When I push for things, his natural instinct is to think about all the millions of things that could go wrong.
It doesn't mean he doesn't long for the same things I do, it just means he is more cautious. Sometimes that makes me crazy. I am sure he would say the same about me. LOL
Just because I don't verbalize every fear that crosses my mind, it does not mean I haven't given them consideration. My idea is that I would rather try and fail than to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?"
When he brings up his fears, he thinks I dismiss them without giving them thought. That could not be farther from the truth. I worry about uprooting my children. I worry about not being the woman he thinks I am. I worry about a ton of things. However, to quote a line from my new favorite movie "You can have chicken shit or you can have chicken salad...which do you want?"
I want chicken salad damnit. I don't have all the answers. I can't promise that this won't be a mistake and that we won't get hurt, but I can promise that I am willing to take that first step and just trust that the rest of the staircase is there, even when I can't see it.
I can promise I won't push and I won't dismiss the fears. I will be the best mom I can be to my children and help them through this transition as much as humanly possible. I can promise you that I will be standing on my own two feet and not looking to you to catch me if I fall.
I don't have all (or even any) of the answers, but I do know unless we open that book, we will never know how this story ends.
I'm sorry that I am an "all in" type of girl, but in my defense, you knew that years ago. And in yours, I knew you tended to think and see things from all angles before proceeding. They say opposites attract, and goodness knows we attract, so from this point forward, I promise to appreciate our differences and stop trying to pound your square peg into the round hole. (Yes, I realize how that sounds and get your dirty minds out of the gutter...that was not what I meant. )
I can't say we won't get hurt, but I can say I will do my best to never hurt you again.
(Sorry, I said no blogs about us, but this was on my mind.)
Friday, June 1, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Realizations
A few weeks ago I began two new medications. My panic attacks were out of control and the stress on my body had just reached a breaking point. I have now been informed it might be a thyroid issue, but have learned that in times of intense stress, one can throw their thyroid out of whack and once the stress is relieved, things balance out again. I go back in a month for a recheck and we should know something at that time.
Anyway, after having it confirmed that my stress level was at an all time high, the kind doctor gave me the two magic pills to help me though the day. Never in my life have I had to take two, but apparently I looked that nuts. Things are better, but I have a long way to go before I can consider myself "normal".
I decided after the fog had begun to clear that perhaps it would be a good time to reevaluate my relationship and see if my "mental instability" was the cause of the conflicts. I spent the last week doing my best to come at things with a different attitude. I was quieter, less quick to anger (totally due to the meds), and really focused on how I spoke and responded to things. Part of me just had to know if my mental break was the problem or was I right in thinking there was more at work.
Well, I can tell you that my mental break is NOT the problem. Communication is still such a joke and I have an even clearer view of the failings in this relationship. Things are fine as long as I am "yes'ing" him to death, but the moment I express an opinion that does not fall in line with his, we are back to square one.
His son is still a huge problem in our lives. The way he continues to refuse to enforce rules and allow him to do as he pleases further proves that we will never see eye to eye.
I think he had hoped that me medicated would simply make me easier to control. Unfortunately for him it has just given me my voice back minus much of the delicate emotions behind it. I don't cry. I don't yell. I make calm statements about what is wrong in our marriage and how I don't see it ever resolving.
While I still don't have answers as to how and when exactly I am making this break; I know without a moments hesitation it will be sooner rather than later and that the children and I are going to be just fine. God is already putting things in place to make the adjustment easier on all of us.
I learned a few days ago that Caleb's beloved principal will be leaving his school at the end of the year. He is less upset at the idea of leaving as a result. The large acting gig I beg to work every year, but never seem to fit in a needed role, has been semi confirmed for me. I am just waiting on my schedule to find out how often I will be utilized to determine how much I will be paid. It is a month long project with several of us playing the same role, but even a minimum of five performances pads my "move fund" greatly.
My heart and soul loves Southern California. I, as well as Caleb and Em, are total beach bums, but if life takes us back to Texas, last I checked we had some beautiful beaches there as well. Yes, they are more than a twenty minute car ride, but just think of the fun we can have driving to South Padre for a week? If life carries me elsewhere, I am okay with that too. My home is simply where my children and I lay our head in peace, the address is just logistics.
So, here you have me...heavily medicated, but completely calm and at peace with whatever comes my way. It feels good...I gotta say.
Anyway, after having it confirmed that my stress level was at an all time high, the kind doctor gave me the two magic pills to help me though the day. Never in my life have I had to take two, but apparently I looked that nuts. Things are better, but I have a long way to go before I can consider myself "normal".
I decided after the fog had begun to clear that perhaps it would be a good time to reevaluate my relationship and see if my "mental instability" was the cause of the conflicts. I spent the last week doing my best to come at things with a different attitude. I was quieter, less quick to anger (totally due to the meds), and really focused on how I spoke and responded to things. Part of me just had to know if my mental break was the problem or was I right in thinking there was more at work.
Well, I can tell you that my mental break is NOT the problem. Communication is still such a joke and I have an even clearer view of the failings in this relationship. Things are fine as long as I am "yes'ing" him to death, but the moment I express an opinion that does not fall in line with his, we are back to square one.
His son is still a huge problem in our lives. The way he continues to refuse to enforce rules and allow him to do as he pleases further proves that we will never see eye to eye.
I think he had hoped that me medicated would simply make me easier to control. Unfortunately for him it has just given me my voice back minus much of the delicate emotions behind it. I don't cry. I don't yell. I make calm statements about what is wrong in our marriage and how I don't see it ever resolving.
While I still don't have answers as to how and when exactly I am making this break; I know without a moments hesitation it will be sooner rather than later and that the children and I are going to be just fine. God is already putting things in place to make the adjustment easier on all of us.
I learned a few days ago that Caleb's beloved principal will be leaving his school at the end of the year. He is less upset at the idea of leaving as a result. The large acting gig I beg to work every year, but never seem to fit in a needed role, has been semi confirmed for me. I am just waiting on my schedule to find out how often I will be utilized to determine how much I will be paid. It is a month long project with several of us playing the same role, but even a minimum of five performances pads my "move fund" greatly.
My heart and soul loves Southern California. I, as well as Caleb and Em, are total beach bums, but if life takes us back to Texas, last I checked we had some beautiful beaches there as well. Yes, they are more than a twenty minute car ride, but just think of the fun we can have driving to South Padre for a week? If life carries me elsewhere, I am okay with that too. My home is simply where my children and I lay our head in peace, the address is just logistics.
So, here you have me...heavily medicated, but completely calm and at peace with whatever comes my way. It feels good...I gotta say.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Ramblings
Not exactly sure where this one is heading. Two days ago I sought out help for the ongoing panic attacks. The doctor was wonderful and prescribed two medications that are helping thus far. I have a long way to go before my body is back to normal, but I am on the right path and that is what matters.
I had a little fun on my other blog yesterday testing out a theory. My husband seems to believe his family couldn't care less what I post over there and never reads it any longer, but I find that hilarious. I have no doubt they are reading it looking for clues as to what is going on in our lives. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
As you know, I purposely changed the direction of that blog and began to write my real life things over here. Well, in reality, I haven't written much anywhere for quite some time. My mind and body really did just shut down and I was doing all I could to just survive each day.
Yesterday after my first nights sleep in six days I actually felt like writing. I headed to the original blog and pretty much spilled my guts about the meds. I am guessing within three days my husband will be receiving an oh so innocent phone call inquiring as to how I am doing. God knows I am not talking to those idiots, but this will be funny if I prove to be right.
What he fails to grasp is that I don't care that they read the blog. I am honest and real in all I put out there. My problem is the attack I received as a result. They do not live my life. They cannot tell me I am wrong.
Anywho, here I am...so I promised to write about the things they wished I still wrote over there, and I hope to do that.
Life is pretty good. My June move out date doesn't seem feasible at this time. Money is an issue as always. Making sure Caleb and Emily are secure and safe is a big concern. My decision to remain in Southern California means that money saved needs to be about three times the amount I have so far. No big deal. I have done this for ten years, a few more months are certainly not going to hurt me.
I have made steps to get my FASFA completed for school and will be contacting them to take in the records from Emily's birth which will clearly show why I was unable to complete my semester and will take me off academic probation thus opening up my financial aid. I qualify for a full Pell and that will be the money used to make the transition from wife to single mom.
Whitney has made a great life for herself and Braiden back home, so she will most likely not be coming back and moving in with me. While I hate the thought of not having her with me, I realize she needs to take the path that is best for her and Braiden, so I support the decision.
I would love to keep Caleb in his school, so apartment hunting within Lakeside will begin in earnest next month. It will be September before I have the funds ready for a move in, but I can start doing my homework and seeing which complex offers us the best for our funds.
The love of my life keeps telling me to face everything one day at a time and Baby, that is what I am doing. So, there you have it...my goals for the next few months while still trying to focus on each day as it comes.
I had a little fun on my other blog yesterday testing out a theory. My husband seems to believe his family couldn't care less what I post over there and never reads it any longer, but I find that hilarious. I have no doubt they are reading it looking for clues as to what is going on in our lives. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.
As you know, I purposely changed the direction of that blog and began to write my real life things over here. Well, in reality, I haven't written much anywhere for quite some time. My mind and body really did just shut down and I was doing all I could to just survive each day.
Yesterday after my first nights sleep in six days I actually felt like writing. I headed to the original blog and pretty much spilled my guts about the meds. I am guessing within three days my husband will be receiving an oh so innocent phone call inquiring as to how I am doing. God knows I am not talking to those idiots, but this will be funny if I prove to be right.
What he fails to grasp is that I don't care that they read the blog. I am honest and real in all I put out there. My problem is the attack I received as a result. They do not live my life. They cannot tell me I am wrong.
Anywho, here I am...so I promised to write about the things they wished I still wrote over there, and I hope to do that.
Life is pretty good. My June move out date doesn't seem feasible at this time. Money is an issue as always. Making sure Caleb and Emily are secure and safe is a big concern. My decision to remain in Southern California means that money saved needs to be about three times the amount I have so far. No big deal. I have done this for ten years, a few more months are certainly not going to hurt me.
I have made steps to get my FASFA completed for school and will be contacting them to take in the records from Emily's birth which will clearly show why I was unable to complete my semester and will take me off academic probation thus opening up my financial aid. I qualify for a full Pell and that will be the money used to make the transition from wife to single mom.
Whitney has made a great life for herself and Braiden back home, so she will most likely not be coming back and moving in with me. While I hate the thought of not having her with me, I realize she needs to take the path that is best for her and Braiden, so I support the decision.
I would love to keep Caleb in his school, so apartment hunting within Lakeside will begin in earnest next month. It will be September before I have the funds ready for a move in, but I can start doing my homework and seeing which complex offers us the best for our funds.
The love of my life keeps telling me to face everything one day at a time and Baby, that is what I am doing. So, there you have it...my goals for the next few months while still trying to focus on each day as it comes.
Friday, April 20, 2012
What a day
I woke up in such a good mood and it seems like the stars aligned and did their very best to ruin that mood. The good news is that with a few deep breaths, a few screams into my pillow, and perhaps an F bomb or twenty, I won out and my mood is still on the decent side. I am annoyed though and figure what better place to get those annoyances out than here. Time for a bullet presentation of what exactly is working Ange's last nerve today.
- While I never experimented with recreational drugs, I did not grow up under a rock. I fully understand the meaning behind "4/20", so when my fourteen year old daughter decides to put up as her status on Facebook "Happy 4/20 Day" I AM going to say something. I don't care if that angers her or not. Act stupid and you will hear from me. The resulting sassy mouth has left me reaching for the tequila bottle frequently. Sadly, the tequila taste a lot like a strawberry shake since I refuse to drink while alone with the kids. Damn this responsible parenting.
- My mini me and her ever changing mind. I want her home more than words can express, but I can't continue to ride this roller coaster known as Whitney. "I want to come home. Well, I want to come home, but I want to go back for a month and then come home for good in June. I can't afford a ticket back so I'm not coming. Okay, Matt is willing to buy me a ticket, but I have to be home by the 30th." My head hurts just typing that. She NEEDS to come home. End.Of.Story. She does not need to go back there. I have found out something that disturbs me greatly and my only goal is to get her back here so I can get her finished with school and on the right path again.
- What did I discover? You might want to reach for the vodka..this is a good one. First, the HOW I discovered it...my mother and I spoke yesterday. She began with "There is something I need to tell you, but you have to promise me you won't say a word." That is never a good start. It seems that Whitney has moved out of her father's home. Now, I knew that much since I pay attention on Facebook. Yes, I discovered my MINOR daughter moved out of her dad's home via FB. Isn't technology grand? That isn't what bothered me. She is almost 18. She is holding down a job. If she can afford to get out and care for herself and Braiden these last few weeks until she moves back here...no problem. Wait, there is more?
Oh yes, there is more. The girl she is living with? Oh yes, she apparently is the girlfriend of Braiden's father. You know him...the piece of shit that hasn't paid one dime in support to Braiden's care? Yeah, him. Oh wait, did I mention...she is pregnant? Yes...rumor has it that my beautiful, seemingly intelligent daughter has lost her damn mind and moved in with the father of her child's pregnant girlfriend. Why no, I don't know why that would worry me at all.
I promised to take each day as it came and not freak out over things I couldn't handle or didn't have answers for. One day at a time is my new motto, but today has been an absolute test of my strength.
I will say that I haven't completely flipped. I am annoyed and a bit stressed, but not necessarily about my future. I will figure this out step by step. I am more annoyed that my daughter's are acting so completely nuts. It makes me realize how badly things got messed up so many years ago. I should have fought harder back then, but I was one person fighting fifteen.
I can't change the past. The best I can do is promise Caleb and Emily that I will do my best by them. I am not the same girl that came to California all those years ago. I am stronger and am no longer alone. I have amazing friends and my mother and I are rebuilding a relationship and I know she will be by my side if I need her. That is enough for me.
So, there you have it...time to shake this negativity and focus on what tomorrow might bring.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Finding my way
As I go back and read the few entries I wrote before I abandoned this blog, I see a recurring theme. I am so over myself. I whine far too much.
Tomorrow will be the day I blog it all out and get it out of my system.
I so miss writing. I miss putting it all out there and getting an understanding from the words. My head is all crowded with all the things I "can't" say on the other blog. Truth be told, there are things I won't say here either, but for different reasons. You scare easily and we are in a good place right now, so I am going to keep a few walls about halfway up for the moment.
I did miss you today. Thursdays are quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week because I know you need to sleep to get ready to head back to work. You spoil me on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I need to learn to live with disappointment.
I had a great talk with my mom. Funny, once I let her in on my big "secret" we have really opened up even more. Who would have thought that you would be the subject that brought us even closer together? Okay, not so much you personally, but the fact that I was able to open up to her and be vulnerable and not worry what she might say or do. That is huge for me. It feels good to have my mom in my life. I would say back in my life, but my mom and I have never had this type of relationship, so it is all new.
I am working really hard to do the whole "one day at a time" thing. You know me, I am a planner, but so far so good. I am going to get where I need to be one step at a time and I don't need to have this whole big FIVE YEAR PLAN in place...the next five hours are more than enough. (Yeah, I am making fun of you...it's what I do best).
So, for those that I just sent this link to...welcome to the rest of my life. I have hidden this blog pretty well, so I feel fairly confident about writing without reserve. I just ask that you not mention the name of this blog on Momaroo. Facebook is safe and I will be posting my link there from time to time, but never on Xanga.
Thanks guys...hope you aren't bored out of your mind.
Tomorrow will be the day I blog it all out and get it out of my system.
I so miss writing. I miss putting it all out there and getting an understanding from the words. My head is all crowded with all the things I "can't" say on the other blog. Truth be told, there are things I won't say here either, but for different reasons. You scare easily and we are in a good place right now, so I am going to keep a few walls about halfway up for the moment.
I did miss you today. Thursdays are quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week because I know you need to sleep to get ready to head back to work. You spoil me on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I need to learn to live with disappointment.
I had a great talk with my mom. Funny, once I let her in on my big "secret" we have really opened up even more. Who would have thought that you would be the subject that brought us even closer together? Okay, not so much you personally, but the fact that I was able to open up to her and be vulnerable and not worry what she might say or do. That is huge for me. It feels good to have my mom in my life. I would say back in my life, but my mom and I have never had this type of relationship, so it is all new.
I am working really hard to do the whole "one day at a time" thing. You know me, I am a planner, but so far so good. I am going to get where I need to be one step at a time and I don't need to have this whole big FIVE YEAR PLAN in place...the next five hours are more than enough. (Yeah, I am making fun of you...it's what I do best).
So, for those that I just sent this link to...welcome to the rest of my life. I have hidden this blog pretty well, so I feel fairly confident about writing without reserve. I just ask that you not mention the name of this blog on Momaroo. Facebook is safe and I will be posting my link there from time to time, but never on Xanga.
Thanks guys...hope you aren't bored out of your mind.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Keep hanging on
Since you gave me the advice to always find a reason to smile (outside of the nothing that is you), I have taken it to heart and really given it my all. I can admit that it hasn't been that difficult to find things to smile about. I mean, I am mom to two of the most adorable kids on the planet, so life can't be all bad.
Today was the start of the weekend. You know how hard weekends are for me. I was determined to remain smiling no matter what. Damn, it was difficult. I knew it was crucial to get out of the house. If I stayed here I might fall victim to the latest nonsense with the middle son. I have thus far refrained from yelling out "You are both stupid idiots...you for thinking I would buy your story and you for allowing your son to be this way", but the urge gets stronger as the days drag on. Getting out was a must. Now, where to go?
We could go out just the two of us, but the thought of that isn't overly appealing. If we go somewhere as a family, the odds that I am going to blow my stack runs even higher. What is a girl on the verge of losing it to do? Plan something she is pretty positive the middle child won't want to do...yes, that is the idea.
I proposed the beach. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and we both know how much I love the beach. So, I hit up Caleb first. He is game. Emily loves the beach as much as I do, so I knew she would be thrilled. Liz was next and she was a go. Now came the tricky part...the boys. My gamble paid off and the middle one didn't want to go. The idea of a few hours home alone was far too tempting. One point for me.
My thoughts were that with the main issue out of the way, this would be a nice trip. I forgot about the bigger issue.
He couldn't find a shirt. Where were all his shirts? The twenty hanging up weren't the ones he wanted. He wanted the gray one, where was it? Well, I was doing laundry...perhaps it was in the dyer. If not there, I had a load in the washer. He goes out to look and "can't find anything in that mess". Um, it is the dryer...I don't typically fold them until after they are done. I wasn't aware they should dry neatly in the tumble dry.
I take a different approach; instead of losing my mind, I go out to the dryer and take the clothes out to see if I can locate a shirt. I found 5. None of them were the one he wanted, so he finally chose one that was hanging up. We were going to the beach. The shirt was going to come off the second we smelled salt water...what was the big deal? I remind myself that I can't change him, I could only change how I respond to him. Smile, smile, smile.
We finally head to the car. "Why are these straws in here? We can't go with the car like this." There were two random straws from a Sonic run as well s a handful of wrapped peppermints. I didn't realize it was an issue. We load up and aren't even out of the driveway before the next issue arises. "How much gas did you put in here? You burned that much gas since yesterday morning? You know your car sucks gas...what were you thinking?"
Well, I put 20 bucks in yesterday morning. I then drove all the kids to school. At 12:45 I drove back to Caleb's school to drop off his cupcakes and then to Liz's school to take her out early so I could then drive to Santee to pick up Caleb's balloon bouquet. I then picked up the two older boys from school, came back home and went back to pick up Caleb. I was conned into happy hour at Sonic (hence the straws and peppermints) so that was another trip to Santee. At 4 I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up his cake and stopped at McDonald's on the way home for his birthday dinner. Apparently that took up most of my gas. Gas which I paid for with my own money, so fuck you very much.
No, I didn't say that. I smiled and simply said that I would remember not to suggest an outing as a family again if we were so concerned about the gas. He rolled his eyes and I just smiled.
We make it to the beach. I immediately feel peace. I love it there so much. It is a gorgeous day and parking is bad, but the beach is not overly crowded. For the first fifteen minutes or so it is calm. He is helping chase after Em, I am taking tons of pictures, life is good.
As always happens, he retires back to the towels. I don't mind. I am enjoying the time with the kids. It is really difficult to be pissy at the beach. Emily is having the time of her life splashing in the water. It is freaking cold, but I follow her right in. Caleb is digging in the sand up near the towels. Liz and Jake are down at the water's edge with me playing with Em. We are having a blast. I even caught myself really laughing at times. It felt great.
Suddenly I noticed the signs. Matt checking his phone (he doesn't wear a watch, that is his clock). Getting up and pacing. Putting his shirt back on to come down to talk. He is cold and hungry. Are we ready to go? We had been there half an hour. WTF?? No, I am not ready to go. I am enjoying myself and we just got here.
We make it to an hour and then he is done. He entices the kids with food and they reluctantly say okay. He promises we can go back tomorrow. On the way home it starts again. What do I want to eat? Why don't I have an opinion? Del Taco was brought up BY him. Caleb is focused on that. Suddenly maybe Costco is a better idea. What does everyone think? Caleb still wants Del Taco. Jake and Liz want Costco. Now he is pissed at Caleb for not changing his mind.
We get home to find a letter from the child support division. He immediately hands it to me. In spite of the fact that I have given them her social security number, her employers phone number, her employers address, her last known address, etc. they are unable to locate her. They are requesting address of family or friends that might know her whereabouts. I am simply reading the paper to him. He jumps in angrily "I am not involving her family in this mess". No one asked you to. I am simply reading the paper to you. You have the choice to either provide the information necessary to collect child support or you can continue to allow her to do nothing to help financially with her children. What you cannot do is bitch and moan to me after making this choice.
Yep, that pissed him off. How dare I act like that. I reiterated that I wasn't making a judgment, but merely stating a fact. If he chooses not to assist them in finding her, he has no right to bitch at the lack of progress.
It was at that point that I just put my earbuds in and cranked up the tunes. I am okay and that is all that matters. I just wish he made it easier at times.
Laughing felt good...maybe I should do it more often. Proud of me? Doesn't matter...I am proud of me.
Today was the start of the weekend. You know how hard weekends are for me. I was determined to remain smiling no matter what. Damn, it was difficult. I knew it was crucial to get out of the house. If I stayed here I might fall victim to the latest nonsense with the middle son. I have thus far refrained from yelling out "You are both stupid idiots...you for thinking I would buy your story and you for allowing your son to be this way", but the urge gets stronger as the days drag on. Getting out was a must. Now, where to go?
We could go out just the two of us, but the thought of that isn't overly appealing. If we go somewhere as a family, the odds that I am going to blow my stack runs even higher. What is a girl on the verge of losing it to do? Plan something she is pretty positive the middle child won't want to do...yes, that is the idea.
I proposed the beach. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and we both know how much I love the beach. So, I hit up Caleb first. He is game. Emily loves the beach as much as I do, so I knew she would be thrilled. Liz was next and she was a go. Now came the tricky part...the boys. My gamble paid off and the middle one didn't want to go. The idea of a few hours home alone was far too tempting. One point for me.
My thoughts were that with the main issue out of the way, this would be a nice trip. I forgot about the bigger issue.
He couldn't find a shirt. Where were all his shirts? The twenty hanging up weren't the ones he wanted. He wanted the gray one, where was it? Well, I was doing laundry...perhaps it was in the dyer. If not there, I had a load in the washer. He goes out to look and "can't find anything in that mess". Um, it is the dryer...I don't typically fold them until after they are done. I wasn't aware they should dry neatly in the tumble dry.
I take a different approach; instead of losing my mind, I go out to the dryer and take the clothes out to see if I can locate a shirt. I found 5. None of them were the one he wanted, so he finally chose one that was hanging up. We were going to the beach. The shirt was going to come off the second we smelled salt water...what was the big deal? I remind myself that I can't change him, I could only change how I respond to him. Smile, smile, smile.
We finally head to the car. "Why are these straws in here? We can't go with the car like this." There were two random straws from a Sonic run as well s a handful of wrapped peppermints. I didn't realize it was an issue. We load up and aren't even out of the driveway before the next issue arises. "How much gas did you put in here? You burned that much gas since yesterday morning? You know your car sucks gas...what were you thinking?"
Well, I put 20 bucks in yesterday morning. I then drove all the kids to school. At 12:45 I drove back to Caleb's school to drop off his cupcakes and then to Liz's school to take her out early so I could then drive to Santee to pick up Caleb's balloon bouquet. I then picked up the two older boys from school, came back home and went back to pick up Caleb. I was conned into happy hour at Sonic (hence the straws and peppermints) so that was another trip to Santee. At 4 I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up his cake and stopped at McDonald's on the way home for his birthday dinner. Apparently that took up most of my gas. Gas which I paid for with my own money, so fuck you very much.
No, I didn't say that. I smiled and simply said that I would remember not to suggest an outing as a family again if we were so concerned about the gas. He rolled his eyes and I just smiled.
We make it to the beach. I immediately feel peace. I love it there so much. It is a gorgeous day and parking is bad, but the beach is not overly crowded. For the first fifteen minutes or so it is calm. He is helping chase after Em, I am taking tons of pictures, life is good.
As always happens, he retires back to the towels. I don't mind. I am enjoying the time with the kids. It is really difficult to be pissy at the beach. Emily is having the time of her life splashing in the water. It is freaking cold, but I follow her right in. Caleb is digging in the sand up near the towels. Liz and Jake are down at the water's edge with me playing with Em. We are having a blast. I even caught myself really laughing at times. It felt great.
Suddenly I noticed the signs. Matt checking his phone (he doesn't wear a watch, that is his clock). Getting up and pacing. Putting his shirt back on to come down to talk. He is cold and hungry. Are we ready to go? We had been there half an hour. WTF?? No, I am not ready to go. I am enjoying myself and we just got here.
We make it to an hour and then he is done. He entices the kids with food and they reluctantly say okay. He promises we can go back tomorrow. On the way home it starts again. What do I want to eat? Why don't I have an opinion? Del Taco was brought up BY him. Caleb is focused on that. Suddenly maybe Costco is a better idea. What does everyone think? Caleb still wants Del Taco. Jake and Liz want Costco. Now he is pissed at Caleb for not changing his mind.
We get home to find a letter from the child support division. He immediately hands it to me. In spite of the fact that I have given them her social security number, her employers phone number, her employers address, her last known address, etc. they are unable to locate her. They are requesting address of family or friends that might know her whereabouts. I am simply reading the paper to him. He jumps in angrily "I am not involving her family in this mess". No one asked you to. I am simply reading the paper to you. You have the choice to either provide the information necessary to collect child support or you can continue to allow her to do nothing to help financially with her children. What you cannot do is bitch and moan to me after making this choice.
Yep, that pissed him off. How dare I act like that. I reiterated that I wasn't making a judgment, but merely stating a fact. If he chooses not to assist them in finding her, he has no right to bitch at the lack of progress.
It was at that point that I just put my earbuds in and cranked up the tunes. I am okay and that is all that matters. I just wish he made it easier at times.
Laughing felt good...maybe I should do it more often. Proud of me? Doesn't matter...I am proud of me.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Where did the Exit sign go?
It is getting more and more difficult to pretend. I have times, sometimes hours out of the day, that I can put a smile on my face and pretend this is okay. I can pretend that I am happy and can make this work. Five minutes at home reminds me it will never work. I simply can't do this and remain sane. Okay, perhaps sane is overstating my mental capabilities, but how about somewhat sane?
When it is just he and I, it isn't awful. It isn't all "oh I am so happy and in love", but it isn't me plotting my quickest escape. No, that happens when we walk through these doors and re enter hell. The absolute disrespect shown to me by his children wears me down. As I am telling one of them to stop doing something he is laughing in my face. He knows damn well my word means nothing and he will get away with it time and time again. I don't want to live in a home where I am treated like trash. I must get out.
Easier said than done. Fear is a big factor in why I stay. Do you think that makes me proud? It doesn't. It makes me angry that at the age of 42, I am still too scared to walk off that cliff. So what if I fall? I have had no less than a dozen people offer me help and yet here I sit, crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I guess the fear is that they will figure out the "real me" and turn their backs.
Perhaps they will discover I am indeed as crazy as I have been told all these years and turn their backs. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. So tired of feeling like I will simply never measure up. Tired of feeling like no one could ever possibly love me. The real me. The one that spends so much time in her own head remind herself what an absolute failure she is. So tired of pretending like I just ran into something and that is why I am crying so that my kids don't know I am dying on the inside.
I remember happy. Happy was a quiet day with friends. An afternoon at the mall with the little ones. No worries, just us enjoying each other. An unexpected laugh over something entirely too silly to explain to anyone else. I miss happy. I miss me. Hell, I don't even know if I remember me.
I sat here tonight and tried to discuss with him some issues. I don't know why I even try. Within moments it was all my fault and I am breaking this "happy family". Do you think I like the idea of taking my children away from their father? The idea tears my heart out, but damnit, when do I get my chance at happy? Why does it make me a terrible mother to want more?
My greatest dream is not to go back to Texas with my tail tucked between my legs and admit to my family that once again I fucked up, but if that is where life takes me, then so be it. I just want to be the best mom to my children that I can. Living in, if not misery, than serious unhappiness, is not helping me be that mother. Will it be easy? No. Am I terrified? Without a doubt. Will I find the courage to walk out that door? I wish I knew.
One foot in front of the other...all the while praying to God I don't fall flat on my face.
When it is just he and I, it isn't awful. It isn't all "oh I am so happy and in love", but it isn't me plotting my quickest escape. No, that happens when we walk through these doors and re enter hell. The absolute disrespect shown to me by his children wears me down. As I am telling one of them to stop doing something he is laughing in my face. He knows damn well my word means nothing and he will get away with it time and time again. I don't want to live in a home where I am treated like trash. I must get out.
Easier said than done. Fear is a big factor in why I stay. Do you think that makes me proud? It doesn't. It makes me angry that at the age of 42, I am still too scared to walk off that cliff. So what if I fall? I have had no less than a dozen people offer me help and yet here I sit, crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I guess the fear is that they will figure out the "real me" and turn their backs.
Perhaps they will discover I am indeed as crazy as I have been told all these years and turn their backs. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. So tired of feeling like I will simply never measure up. Tired of feeling like no one could ever possibly love me. The real me. The one that spends so much time in her own head remind herself what an absolute failure she is. So tired of pretending like I just ran into something and that is why I am crying so that my kids don't know I am dying on the inside.
I remember happy. Happy was a quiet day with friends. An afternoon at the mall with the little ones. No worries, just us enjoying each other. An unexpected laugh over something entirely too silly to explain to anyone else. I miss happy. I miss me. Hell, I don't even know if I remember me.
I sat here tonight and tried to discuss with him some issues. I don't know why I even try. Within moments it was all my fault and I am breaking this "happy family". Do you think I like the idea of taking my children away from their father? The idea tears my heart out, but damnit, when do I get my chance at happy? Why does it make me a terrible mother to want more?
My greatest dream is not to go back to Texas with my tail tucked between my legs and admit to my family that once again I fucked up, but if that is where life takes me, then so be it. I just want to be the best mom to my children that I can. Living in, if not misery, than serious unhappiness, is not helping me be that mother. Will it be easy? No. Am I terrified? Without a doubt. Will I find the courage to walk out that door? I wish I knew.
One foot in front of the other...all the while praying to God I don't fall flat on my face.
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