Update of sorts

I am hesitant to write this because I have a strict "all action/no talking" policy, but this isn't really about my future plans, so I am thinking I can allow myself this little therapy session.

Honestly, where this was headed just went straight out of my head...going to just type and see if I can find the focus. God help us all....

The other night in yet another attempt to discuss my future plans, the man asked me if I was having an affair. I said of course I was. I was leaving him for Kristen. I mean come on, you ask me a stupid question, you are going to get a smart ass answer.

Why is it that when a woman decides she has had enough that the man automatically assumes there is someone else? Am I not a strong person capable of standing on my own two feet? Do I look like I need a man to care for me? Okay, I am terrified of the future, but I will face it with my head held high and doing what is the absolute best thing for my children. Fuck needing a man, seriously.

Okay, maybe not totally. Do I want my happily ever after? Of course I do. I am, at heart, a hopeless romantic that believes in love. Will I jump into a new relationship simply because this one ended? No...been there, done that and lost someone very important to me as a result. This time my head leads and my heart shuts the fuck up.

The man is making an effort to make changes. He continues to ask me if it will be enough to change my mind and I continue to either avoid the subject or tell him as gently as possible, that no, it won't. Perhaps had he done this six or seven years ago, I would feel differently, but to try and beg for your life as they are pulling the switch on the chair, just screams of insincerity. If you were really interested in saving something, you would not wait until my foot is out the door.

I have been down this path far too many times. I have heard "I will change...it will be better" so often it should be stamped on my forehead. The fact is, it won't change. He will attempt to apply a band aid to something that requires a tourniquet and think it won't bleed to death. It already has bled out and the only hope of saving me is to walk away.

I am sure I will be called selfish. I am okay with that. I know the truth. Saving me is the priority because my children deserve a mom that is happy. Living this way has taken its toll and if I want my son and daughter to see how a marriage should be, I need to step away from a bad one. Never would I want my son to treat a woman the way I have allowed myself to be treated. Never do I want my daughter to think belittling and control are the norm.

He isn't an awful person. We both brought our own demons into this relationship, but this is poison and it is time I did what needs to be done. In the end, I know he will feel a sense of relief as well. He doesn't think so now because he is still in "keep her" mode. Once we are on the other side, I know he will be able to reflect and see he deserves so much more than what I gave him.

I don't want to hurt him. I just want to do what is best for all of us. In the end, people will be hurt and for that I am sorry, but it will only be temporary. In time, life will sort out and he will see how unhappy this time has been and have the ability to find the woman put here for him. I don't know who or where she is, but I do know, it isn't me. My heart was given away years ago and I never got it back...

Finding my way

Thanks to some quick thinking and some amazing friends, my Amazon account got a pretty nice deposit last night. I was able to purchase Caleb one of his "must haves" for Christmas and still have over 40 dollars remaining in "free money". I do so love free. I plan on sitting on the rest and watching out for some hot deals the closer we get to Black Friday.

Yesterday was not a great day. I woke up just irritable and couldn't seem to pull myself out. I knew it was a "me" problem and tried to let everyone know it wasn't personal, but I was a total bitch to deal with. I didn't even get a full walk in because my mood was so off. I came home instead and angry cleaned. Doing that and the laundry helped me wake up in much better spirits today. Knowing that the house isn't a wreck means I can focus on getting my work out in.

The situation with the demon is still not settled. Seems that no one wants him  next week. I suggested that the man call his mother (he does have a mother after all) and let him stay with her. Why it is everyone expects ME to have some great bond with this child when they all do not, is beyond me. His own mother doesn't want to see any of them. Am I the only one that grasp this?

So, it looks like I have two choices. Suck it up or use some of my saved funds and spend three days at a hotel. It is the holidays...in San Diego...not going to happen. So, apparently sucking it up is my only option. I do know that after Wednesday, he will be gone until Sunday. I guess I can handle that. I plan on taking Caleb and Emily out early every day and staying out late. The beach will be nice, they can spend a few hours there, we can pack a picnic, and then hit the park. If I time it right, we never have to see him. Tuesday's are free museum days, so that should be a fun experience too. Now is not the time for me to play fast and loose with my funds. As nice as it would be to have a getaway...the bigger picture is far more important.

I broke out in hives this morning? WTF?? I have had this happen a few times, but typically only during extremely stressful situations. I am not stressed at all. My body must not know what to do with calm. Planning on taking some Benydral when we get back from our walk. Hopefully that clears up the itching. I just think it is hysterical that my body is reacting to calm in this manner. I have some seriously messed up messages going on within there.

I was woken up last night by something crashing somewhere. I got up thinking it woke everyone up, but they were all sound asleep. I am starting to wonder if I was just having a vivid dream. I walked around and couldn't find anything out of place, so went back to bed hoping that someone wasn't breaking in through another room. Now I wonder if it wasn't someone sneaking in...funny how that didn't occur to me last night. I guess I need to check the kids room to see if I can find something amiss. I wouldn't put it past either of them to try and sneak out.

Oh well, as I like to chant often...not my problem. It would explain the bent screen in the girls room though.

Time to wake up Caleb and get this day started.

Excuses, excuses

After my day off due to illness yesterday, I knew it was going to be difficult to get myself up and going this morning. It started off with the pouring rain. Oh man, can't walk outside in the rain...must modify...mall walking? Sure, sounds good. Thankfully by the time I took Caleb to school, the rain was gone and the sun was shining. Walk around the lake it is.

My head hurt. Did I really want to walk with a headache? I was still recovering from yesterday, did I really want to push myself? It was too cold/hot...what if I got sick halfway through? Oh I had a million excuses. I was weak...I needed to eat more...what if the guy came to look at the leak while I was gone? I finally told myself to shut up and get out the door.

It helps that the second we walk in, Emily goes straight to the jogger and waits for me to put her in. She knows the routine and she loves it.

We hit the road and my pants literally keep falling down. This is where the bargaining begins. Well, I can't walk around with my pants constantly falling down. I will look silly. I will go to the end of the block and then turn around to go home. We get to the end of the block and I know Emily will be so disappointed if she doesn't see the lake. I keep moving forward.

We make it to the lake and the internal bargaining begins again. Maybe we will just do the half walk today instead of the figure eight. We reach the place where I can either turn right for the 1.5 walk or turn left and get a half mile. I turned right. The figure eight is the easiest most shaded walk after all.

We get around the lake and it starts again. I could just go straight and forget the last bit of the eight...that won't take off more than three fourths of a mile. I made the turn. Some time during the internal debate I just told myself enough was enough. There was no reason to modify the walk. I had done it ten times prior and today would be no different.

I do have a wicked headache and had to really push to complete the walk today, but the fact is, I did it. I refused to accept defeat and continued on. I am far stronger than I give myself credit for and I need to start realizing that.

Yes, I am exhausted and want to chill for a bit, but I did what needed to be done. Not too shabby for a rainy Thursday.

Lessons learned

I am officially into week 2 of Operation Skinny Ass and wanted to share a few of the lessons I learned this past week.

1. It doesn't matter what it is (low calorie brownies, Special K bars, etc) if I am eating/drinking it...my kids want it. If they were in the middle of the desert and dying of thirst, they wouldn't touch water. See me with a water bottle in my hand and suddenly water is the greatest thing they have ever had. 
2. I really prefer to walk alone. Well, alone with Emily. Emily just chills in her stroller listening to music and dancing. She doesn't question me on how slow/fast I am walking. She doesn't make me pull my earbuds out a million times to answer a question. Most importantly, she doesn't make me feel as though I have to prove myself. It is just she and I taking a walk.
3. There really is nothing that taste as good as skinny (or healthy) feels. 
4. The numbers on the scale do not define me, but my favorite pair of jeans that I am dying to fit into, do. 
5. Blisters heal so using them as an excuse not to walk is lame.
6. I should totally buy stock in Band Aid.
7. Special K Crisp taste just like my favorite Pop Tarts and have one third the calories. 
8. Sugar and I don't really need to have an intense love affair. The little bit I consume with my "sweet treats" is enough to satisfy that craving.
9. If I want the ice cream, I will have the ice cream. Funny thing...since I didn't ban the ice cream, I have no desire for it. 
10. My friends are amazing. When I am having an off day, they are right there to remind me that if I want to achieve this goal and am serious, I will find a way to modify and move on. Thanks to Kristen's pep talk yesterday, I hit the beach and put in more than four miles.
11. This journey isn't a sprint, it is a lifetime change. I will forever have to modify my food so that I can continue to remain healthy and at a weight I am comfortable.
12. I only have myself to compete with. I may not walk as far or as fast as other people, but I walk as far and as fast as I need to make myself feel better.
13. When doing more than four miles at the beach and you set the goal for the pier...always remember that you must walk BACK the same distance to get to the car. My feet are still angry with me for that one.
14. Love the person you see in the mirror. She will be with you for your entire lifetime. 
15. And finally...always be on the lookout for creepy neighbor guy at the lake. You never know when he is going to pop up and frankly, your upper body strength sucks, so you would have to outrun him. 

This week has been difficult and yet so fulfilling. I am starting to notice small changes and that just keeps me that much more motivated. Those moments I began to feel defeated, I reminded myself this was a choice I had made and last I checked, I didn't quit.

Here is to Operation Skinny Ass Week 2...I got this.

Down but far from out

I knew this weekend would be difficult for my workouts. I loathe change in my routines and having all the kids home was a change. I figured out how to work it out yesterday and was confident I could do the same today. Unfortunately, I didn't put myself first and am paying for it now.

Grocery shopping needed to be done. I promised Liz she could walk with me, etc. Instead of grabbing Emily and going the second I got up, I sat  here waiting for Liz to get up. By the time grocery shopping was done and I was home, it was 10:30 and she was still asleep. I finally got her up and we headed out at 11. Did I  mention it is 90 degrees?

I didn't even make it to the end of the street before I had sucked down almost half my water bottle. That same bottle that typically doesn't get touched until I am well more than halfway through the entire walk. I knew I was doomed. I made the decision that it wasn't going to happen. I was already covered in sweat and my water (which is a necessary evil for a girl with panic attacks) was not going to get me even to the lake, much less the entire walk.

I felt so frustrated and defeated turning back. I allowed myself a five minute pity party and then re-evaluated the day. I had spent the morning cleaning, that counts. I walked around the grocery store for an hour, that counted. I made it not quite a mile on the ill fated walk, that counted. While it is not the four miles I wanted, it was something and the day isn't over. I will get those four miles in before the moon hits the sky.

Caleb is begging me to go swimming and honestly, it is warm enough. Maybe I should just give in and swim some laps for something different. It really isn't important how I get the exercise in, just that I do.

I did find some great alternative to my Pop Tart addiction. Yes, pop tarts were thrown out with the "no sugar" rule. It was a sad day, but Special K has their own slightly different version. I am looking forward to my 100 calorie non Pop Tarts in the morning. I am sure they will be just as delicious as my 90 calorie brownies.

I need to get up and do something before I allow myself to listen to the inner demon telling me to "take the day off". Not.Going.To.Happen.

Changing it up a bit

I knew the weekend would present me with hurdles. I was prepared for it. The oldest had a school function early this morning which meant I could either drag Caleb with me for a shorter walk or figure out something else. Emily woke up even croupier than yesterday and did not look like a candidate to get out at 7 am and walk in the cold.

I pondered it for a bit and decided that the house could stand my attention. So, instead of the morning walk, I spent the morning cleaning the house top to bottom and had the oldest promise he would watch the little ones tonight so I could take my walk alone. I will NOT simply skip the walk. That isn't going to happen. This is far too important to me.

Now the house is clean and I am bored. My body is begging to get out and take a walk. My eyes then glance at the sick little girl on the couch and realize that just isn't fair to her. I typically bundle her up and just go, but today is different. She feels terrible and Caleb can't be left here with the demon spawn so chances are the walk would not be that long anyway.

I was going through the toy closet today thinking "this needs to go, when did we get that? WTH is this?" Time to do some purging. Monday morning I will be making a run to the donation center. With Christmas coming up, we are already bursting at the seams and I really have to thin out some of the stuff.

I have kicked the idea around of selling Em's playhouse. Since the move, it sits out on the patio and she rarely goes out to play in it. Part of me says hold on to it for the future...I don't know what kind of housing we will have a year from now, but the other part says "where in the hell are you going to put that thing during the transition?" It is HUGE.

For now it remains on the patio. No decisions need to be made today. Things have been calm and so I should still have plenty of time to work out those details.

In a few weeks I will actually get a weekend (at least part of it) to myself. It has been so long since I have been here alone. The man is taking the kids to visit his family for some reunion thing and oddly enough, I have no desire to go. I assume it will be during that weekend he will inform them of the decisions, so it should be a fun "Ange is an absolute Bitch" type weekend. I plan on hanging out here and reacquainting myself with the hot tub.

I am fairly certain that he will also leave for the holidays. There was talk about him staying here this year, but since the "talk" he seems more resolved to just go. I hope he does. I need the break in all honesty. If so, another day of just me and the hot tub. Just hope crazy ex neighbor doesn't come over and catch me. *shudder*

I was seriously skittish the first time Em and I went back to the lake following his "surprise" visit the other day. Here she is holding my very non lost phone and I look like the big liar that I was. Thankfully we didn't see them. I just worry because they live right across the street and I have to pass in front of their complex twice on the route. Ugh..if Lake Jennings weren't so far down, we would go there instead, but that requires me to drive and then walk. That just seems silly. I will deal with the potential uncovering of my lies.

He mentioned he had been trying to locate me on Facebook. Good luck with that. My first name is spelled really oddly and you will never get it right. Add to that the fact I misspelled my last name when you asked me how to spell it and I feel pretty confident I won't be found. Yes, I am a horrible person. I am aware.

Getting my nails done yesterday was a nice treat. I haven't had it done in months. I didn't even have to dip into my funds. The man had offered to do it weeks ago and so I took that as "sure, use my money" yesterday when I hit the salon. See my above "horrible person" comment. :)

Oh well, in a few hours I can get my workout in and then hopefully crash for the night. If Em isn't better tomorrow, to the doctor we go.

Never blog medicated

It's another late night and I am sitting here waiting for my melatonin to kick in. So, why am I here? Boredom I guess.

The workouts are going great. Emily is a fantastic motivator. Watching her dance and hearing her sing to the ipod can bring me back from the brink of giving up quicker than anything I know. I have made my preset goal each day even when I have had to convince myself to get out the door.

I am a bit worried about tomorrow. It is the weekend and everyone is home. Caleb has been dying to go with us on our walks, but I can't let him take his scooter since he doesn't have a helmet. This means that he will need to walk the entire four miles. I can see a mile in and him pooping out on me. Short of carrying him on my back (which is not happening), he will have to walk. I don't want to discourage his coming, but I want to be realistic. In the end, if the walk is a bit shorter tomorrow, so be it.

I have to keep reminding myself, and those around me, that this is not a sprint I am doing. It is more a marathon. I don't pay too close attention to how long the four miles takes me. Keep in mind, I have traffic (a bit) and a stroller to contend with. One of the boys made the comment that I walked extremely slow if it was taking me an hour to walk the four miles. I'm not walking a track. I am walking in our neighborhood. I have lots of roads to turn on, hills to climb, etc. I'm not trying to break any records here. I am just trying to get my body back to a place that doesn't horrify me.

It is so frustrating to know how hard I am working and get so little understanding. Yes, I am sure at 17, I could have done this in under fifteen minutes, but guess what...I'm not 17 any longer. I have given birth to five children. I have allowed myself to get lazy and out of shape. At 17 I was working out two hours per day five days a week with the drill/dance team. I was dancing two nights a week for three hours per night at dance class. I was freakishly fit. At (whatever age I am now) I am not that same tiny girl.

I'm not saying I need a cheerleading team standing outside and cheering me on, but the negative comments need to stop. This is my journey and I am proud of all that I have done thus far. I have such a long way to go, but I am off to a great start.

I don't do scales, so I'm not sure how I am going to handle the "where am I at weight wise" as of yet. I am considering getting a scale and keeping it elsewhere until I weigh in every two weeks. I want to go at least two weeks between weigh ins simply because it takes time and the last thing I need to see is a plateau.

My weight loss goal is simply to rock my bikini come next summer. Well, actually late April/early May. Caleb, Emily, and myself are going back home to help Whitney with the baby and I plan on meeting up with a dear friend of mine for some fun at the lake while I am there. She has this amazing body and I would like us to be two hot mama's enjoying the sun.

I have a great bikini, but the bottoms have always fit my body poorly. Thankfully I had some different cut bottoms that were the same color and I have worn those the past summer. Next year, I want the skimpier bottoms and I am going to do it.

I would love to do some before/during/and after pics, but I hate my body so much that I hate the idea of taking a pic. If you notice,  the only pictures I ever post are of my face and those are so carefully planned out you would think my life depended on it.I end up discarding far more than I keep.

I am  hoping to get some decent sleep tonight so I am ready to face tomorrow. Caleb has already requested I get donuts for breakfast. Um, honey...did you not get the memo that Mommy isn't doing sugar? Thankfully, it has been relatively simple giving up that vice and I am pretty sure I can get them donuts without feeling the need to eat some myself. Although I swear, if one more person offers me candy/cake/cookies...I might need bail money.

It almost seems like they want to test me. Trust me, if I can go to Sonic three times this week for happy hour and walk away with unsweetened tea as opposed to a cherry coke...your stupid cookie isn't going to do me in. It is times like this that I am really glad I don't live near family. I love my mom dearly, but she has a habit of feeding you...constantly. I would spend most of my day turning down food.

Well, I think the meds are kicking in and I hope I didn't say anything stupid...day six is tomorrow...I'm ready to kick its ass and take names.

And so it begins

I think I said no life updates and I don't think I am breaking that promise with this one. I am not discussing my goals or future plans. Just rehashing something that happened last night.

As most of you that read my blog regularly know, I am in a very unhappy marriage. We have moments of happy, but those are few and far between as of late. I can honestly say that "happy" hasn't been in this house in about five years. We survive. After so many years of "surviving" you forget that this isn't what happy feels like.

We don't communicate well at all, which is why last night came as a bit of a surprise. I had a raging caffeine headache and was really not in the mood for a deep discussion which is always the time he wants to have these life altering talks.

I finally gave in because I knew that was the quickest way to get some sleep. Never in my life have I been so honest with him. I just told him I had completely checked out and didn't think I could ever find my place in this relationship again. I simply ceased to care enough to try any longer.

He didn't enjoy hearing that, but I told him down the road, when he looks back, he will see I didn't make him very happy either and he will be glad this happened. In all honesty, I checked out of this relationship five years or so ago. My kids kept me here as well as the fear of going out on my own with the two little ones.

While I won't discuss any future plans, I will say that it is now quite clear where we stand with one another. With him, this could go very calmly or could suddenly erupt into a nightmare. I am praying for calm for reasons I can't discuss.

For now my focus is on making whatever transitions the children must undergo in the next several months, smooth and as painless as possible. I have said quite firmly more than once that our sole concern should be those two babies and making sure they understand both their parents love them and will always do whatever necessary to protect them.

It was a difficult yet somewhat weight lifting conversation. This morning I felt more than ready to hit the trail and take Emily for our morning walk. I felt such a sense of relief knowing that the pretending ended last night.  No more putting a smile on my face and discussing "our" future. We do not have one as a couple, and I am perfectly okay with that.

Negativity can kiss my ass

The day started out AMAZING. I got a phone call at 6 am (who does that?) that was nothing but great news that put a smile on my face and made me happy. By 8:20 I had totally put that out of my head and was starting to have a meltdown. I couldn't find Caleb's school binder (still have no clue where that thing is), Em is sick and really feeling yucky, I needed to get cash at the store before dropping Caleb off, and a whole bunch of other nonsense. I could feel my tension rising and realized it had to stop.

A friend once told me that after you spend time in a difficult relationship, your body begins to crave that adrenaline that comes from the constant walking on egg shells, so that even when life is calm (especially when life is calm) your body makes you feel there is something wrong and you try and trigger the stress it craves.

Textbook case this morning. Things were going well, extremely well, so how could I sabotage it? I almost did, but today I stopped myself and said no way. Today I didn't allow myself to go to that dark place.

I shook off the bad mood as best I could and told myself no matter what, Emily and I were taking our walk. I did change the location from the beach to here at home around the lake as usual. Emily is really sick with a cold and the last thing she needed was that ocean breeze.

Because of trick or treating last night, the stroller was in the back of my car, which was perfect. I didn't even have to come in and look at all the things I needed to to around the house and give myself the chance to cancel the walk. We got home from dropping Caleb off and loaded up in the stroller and headed out.

I can't say it was easy or I had some magic epiphany. I can say it felt good. Emily loves these morning walks and I do as well. I was doing some mental debating as we began trying to convince myself if I didn't feel like walking the whole way, that would be okay. I could walk to the end of the block and just turn around and head home. That counted, right? NO, it doesn't.

The end of the block came and I told myself that the route stayed the same no matter what. I had to chant "eye on the prize" about a million times, but before long we were at the lake. Oh, what fun that was.

I think I have mentioned the um, somewhat disturbed, homeless man that typically stands outside the 7-11 with a sign that reads "Obama sucks...vote Romney". He is out there for hours. Well, not today. Oh no, today he was dumpster diving at the lake. Lucky me. There is one large path around the lake. He was going the same way on the path that I happened to be going. At every turn he had to remind me that Obama "sucked" and that I should vote for Romney. Why thank you, I take all my political advice from homeless men dumpster diving.

I finally got ahead of him and happily finished the walk around the lake and began the walk back home. We had just walked inside our gates when who do I see? Yes, Romney's campaign manager. Great, now he knows where I live. Would it be wrong to wear an "Obama" shirt tomorrow for my walk?

Today negativity tried to get the better of me, but I am pleased to say I kicked its ass. Will I do it tomorrow? I can't say for sure, but I can say I am damn sure going to try.

Now time to run some errands and have a wonderful rest of my day.