And so it begins

I think I said no life updates and I don't think I am breaking that promise with this one. I am not discussing my goals or future plans. Just rehashing something that happened last night.

As most of you that read my blog regularly know, I am in a very unhappy marriage. We have moments of happy, but those are few and far between as of late. I can honestly say that "happy" hasn't been in this house in about five years. We survive. After so many years of "surviving" you forget that this isn't what happy feels like.

We don't communicate well at all, which is why last night came as a bit of a surprise. I had a raging caffeine headache and was really not in the mood for a deep discussion which is always the time he wants to have these life altering talks.

I finally gave in because I knew that was the quickest way to get some sleep. Never in my life have I been so honest with him. I just told him I had completely checked out and didn't think I could ever find my place in this relationship again. I simply ceased to care enough to try any longer.

He didn't enjoy hearing that, but I told him down the road, when he looks back, he will see I didn't make him very happy either and he will be glad this happened. In all honesty, I checked out of this relationship five years or so ago. My kids kept me here as well as the fear of going out on my own with the two little ones.

While I won't discuss any future plans, I will say that it is now quite clear where we stand with one another. With him, this could go very calmly or could suddenly erupt into a nightmare. I am praying for calm for reasons I can't discuss.

For now my focus is on making whatever transitions the children must undergo in the next several months, smooth and as painless as possible. I have said quite firmly more than once that our sole concern should be those two babies and making sure they understand both their parents love them and will always do whatever necessary to protect them.

It was a difficult yet somewhat weight lifting conversation. This morning I felt more than ready to hit the trail and take Emily for our morning walk. I felt such a sense of relief knowing that the pretending ended last night.  No more putting a smile on my face and discussing "our" future. We do not have one as a couple, and I am perfectly okay with that.