I am hesitant to write this because I have a strict "all action/no talking" policy, but this isn't really about my future plans, so I am thinking I can allow myself this little therapy session.
Honestly, where this was headed just went straight out of my head...going to just type and see if I can find the focus. God help us all....
The other night in yet another attempt to discuss my future plans, the man asked me if I was having an affair. I said of course I was. I was leaving him for Kristen. I mean come on, you ask me a stupid question, you are going to get a smart ass answer.
Why is it that when a woman decides she has had enough that the man automatically assumes there is someone else? Am I not a strong person capable of standing on my own two feet? Do I look like I need a man to care for me? Okay, I am terrified of the future, but I will face it with my head held high and doing what is the absolute best thing for my children. Fuck needing a man, seriously.
Okay, maybe not totally. Do I want my happily ever after? Of course I do. I am, at heart, a hopeless romantic that believes in love. Will I jump into a new relationship simply because this one ended? No...been there, done that and lost someone very important to me as a result. This time my head leads and my heart shuts the fuck up.
The man is making an effort to make changes. He continues to ask me if it will be enough to change my mind and I continue to either avoid the subject or tell him as gently as possible, that no, it won't. Perhaps had he done this six or seven years ago, I would feel differently, but to try and beg for your life as they are pulling the switch on the chair, just screams of insincerity. If you were really interested in saving something, you would not wait until my foot is out the door.
I have been down this path far too many times. I have heard "I will change...it will be better" so often it should be stamped on my forehead. The fact is, it won't change. He will attempt to apply a band aid to something that requires a tourniquet and think it won't bleed to death. It already has bled out and the only hope of saving me is to walk away.
I am sure I will be called selfish. I am okay with that. I know the truth. Saving me is the priority because my children deserve a mom that is happy. Living this way has taken its toll and if I want my son and daughter to see how a marriage should be, I need to step away from a bad one. Never would I want my son to treat a woman the way I have allowed myself to be treated. Never do I want my daughter to think belittling and control are the norm.
He isn't an awful person. We both brought our own demons into this relationship, but this is poison and it is time I did what needs to be done. In the end, I know he will feel a sense of relief as well. He doesn't think so now because he is still in "keep her" mode. Once we are on the other side, I know he will be able to reflect and see he deserves so much more than what I gave him.
I don't want to hurt him. I just want to do what is best for all of us. In the end, people will be hurt and for that I am sorry, but it will only be temporary. In time, life will sort out and he will see how unhappy this time has been and have the ability to find the woman put here for him. I don't know who or where she is, but I do know, it isn't me. My heart was given away years ago and I never got it back...
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