OSA Day 3

Today was a change. I went walking with a friend over in her neighborhood. We thought a change of scenery would be nice and it would give us a chance to talk. Yes, I do have local friends, no matter what people think.

The walk was a bit shorter than what I have been doing, but there was this nasty hill than kind of sneaks up on you. It wasn't a HILL in the sense of OMG that is one hell of a hill, but more a "you can do this, I am more like a ramp...no biggie" until you start walking up it. It then becomes Mt. Everest and handed me my ass on a platter. The upside was that I was worried the shorter walk would not be enough for me. I am pleased to say, it was more than enough.

We rushed home and chilled for a bit before time to go back to Caleb's school for "family lunch day". Thankfully he wanted something different than the norm, so I had no lines to wait in to pick up his food. Double score that I convinced him that signing him out and coming home to eat would be way more fun. Poor thing was ready since I totally forgot to pack him a change of clothes for after the costume parade and he was sweating like crazy.

Now we are home and getting ready to finish up his homework so he can go out tonight without worry. My legs are not near as sore as yesterday and my feet have agreed to a temporary truce, so I am thinking this is working.

I keep getting a few people that are amazed I can give up sugar without much trouble. The truth is, with the exception of soda (which I kind of weaned off of a few months ago) and sweet tea, I don't do sugar. I am not a huge cookie or candy person, so it isn't that difficult. When I was about twelve, my mom met my step dad and since he preferred no sugar, she stopped making sweet tea. I could either sweeten my own or learn to deal. I learned to deal and can drink it unsweetened fairly easily.

I have a goal and my eye is very firmly focused on the prize. Thanks to a very dear friend that kind of put it all into perspective, I know where my focus should be and the rest just has to figure itself out later.

Seems we will be trick or treating in our old neighborhood again. Caleb expressed his desire to drive over, so my plans on staying close to home have been altered. Hey, I can go with the flow and I know the route over there far better than over here, so we know he will get tons of candy.

I will be posting pics tomorrow. I can't wait to see Emily actually in her costume. I have refused to let her wear it before since I knew she wouldn't want to take it off. Last year it was almost Christmas before she wouldn't ask to put her Olivia costume on, and this one is so super cute, I didn't want it ruined.

So, there you have it Operation Skinny Ass day 3 was an ass kicker and we are going out begging for candy tonight. Good times.

Operation Skinny Ass

Day 2

OMG is all I can say. I went from being a fairly inactive (as inactive as a mom of five can be) to a walking machine. Yes, I realize that my distance leaves a lot to be desired, but since this is only day 2, I am pretty happy to report I made it 3.8 miles today. That is .5 more than yesterday.

My body fought me all morning long. I didn't want to go. My legs were sore. I won't even mention my poor feet and the condition they are in, but I knew I HAD to go. Thankfully I have some awesome friends on Facebook that were ready to kick my ass if I didn't get out there.

It would have been so simple to take a shorter route today and just pacify myself with "at least I walked", but once I got out I knew this would be the route I had planned after yesterdays walk. My goal was to increase my distance while making the best use of the lake path. I thought about it all last  night and realized with just a simple route change, I could add that .5 to my workout.

So, Miss Emily and I dropped Caleb off at school, came home, and off we went. I knew that if I gave it even a seconds thought, I would come up with some reason why today's walk should be cancelled. The man (who was home since he worked last night) did his best to discourage me without sounding discouraging. I didn't even look back to see what he was saying, we just headed out the door.

Getting started had to be the most difficult today. By the time I had made it halfway down the road I was thinking how much longer it seemed as opposed to yesterday. Emily is the best partner though. She insisted I take the earbuds out and we enjoy the music through  the speakers on the stroller. Hearing her sing  along got me giggling and the journey became a bit easier. In no time we were at the lake.

Today's path required a bit of winding around in order to maximize the full path and get the miles in  needed. We set out and found our rhythm pretty easily. Soon, Em grew tired of my music and wanted the phone. Earbuds went back in and pretty quickly we were done with the 1.5 route of the lake. Now off the path and the longer route back home.

I seriously thought that last bit was going to be the end of me. I was DRAGGING and still had over a mile before we were home. No way in hell was I going to call for someone to come pick us up. We were  so close. I could do this.

I put some Train on and I just pushed my way each step. By the time we reached our road, I was thrilled. I had done what I didn't think I could and felt great. Okay, maybe "great" is an over statement. Truth be told, my feet are killing me, my legs are burning, and I feel like I got hit by a mack truck, BUT overall I feel great.

Tomorrow we are sticking to our 3.8 path. I want to push myself without killing myself.  Day 2 without sugar and sweets is going okay. I just keep telling myself that nothing taste as good as skinny feels.

I am off to beg my feet for forgiveness. See you on Day Three.

Truth is

I stole this idea from April. She loves me though, so I'm sure she won't mind.

Truth is, I have never connected with anyone the way I connect with you.

Truth is, I am a fantastic actress and can fake it with the best of them. Those smiling faces of me right after I moved here? They just hid the absolute sadness and were put on because I knew you would somehow see the pictures. We ran with a small group, honestly, I knew and wanted you to hurt.

Truth is, I hoped you would see me with someone else and realize your mistake.

Truth is, when I tried several times to get you to respond and got nothing, I put you in the back of my mind and did the best I could to make a life for myself with the man in my life.

Truth is, I was happy at times. I could go months without you crossing my mind.

Truth is, it would be the stupidest thing that brought you to the forefront. Like I am flipping channels one night and "The Mummy" is showing. BAM, I'm right back there in San Antonio walking along the river with you.

Truth is, I always hoped we would find each other again.

Truth is, I would have left in a heartbeat had you said "come back".

Truth is, that would have been a mistake for both of us. Not because "we" are wrong, but because "I" was reacting and not thinking.

Truth is, those I love the  most in the world feel like this is going to end with me hurt even more.

Truth is, as much as I love them and respect their opinion, I don't care what they think. There were only two people in this relationship and we are the only two that can know what we felt. (To those dear friends that are reading this, I love you dearly and I know you come from a place of love. Please don't take my words wrong)

Truth is, never has the sound of someones voice made me smile the way that yours does.

Truth is, making love to you was the closest I have ever felt to perfect.

Truth is, I hate what I said to you. I would take it back and tell you I'd wait forever if only you would answer my call.

Truth is, I am putting my body through hell in the hopes that someday you will pass my way and fall in love all over again. I gave up all sugar...we all know how much I love sugar.

Truth is, you are worth it.

Truth is, I remember our conversation last year at this time talking about carving pumpkins and taking the kids trick or treating and wish it were you by our side this year.

Truth is, there are days I wonder if this is all a waste of time. Have I lost you for good?

Truth is, I can't even think about that because it would break my heart.

Truth is, I love you. I fell in love with you in San Antonio...

Truth is, I wish you would say something...anything...please.

Operation Skinny Aas

I thought about calling it Operation Skinny Bitch, but we already have a Skinny Bitch, so Ass worked best.

Last night my insane friends, Skinny Bitch, Skore, and pretty sure the Hag showed up at some point, decided to post some rather unflattering pictures of me from a Vegas trip a few years back. I haven't laughed that much since the trip. It also got me motivated.

I had already purchased the amazing jogging stroller and was ready to finally really give it a workout. I had done a few "trial runs", but nothing like what I had envisioned when I made this purchase. Finally today, I got my real walk/run in.

I woke up after some of the best sleep I have had in months, totally determined that this was the day. Caleb was still feeling puny, but I knew once he got to school, he would be fine. Besides...I had my walking to do. Emily and I get him dropped off and race back home. I quickly put some warmer clothes on her, grab my shoes, and prepare for our walk.

We have water for me. Juice for her. Two pedometers (neither of which worked so a trip to the store is on the list for today), the Kindle, Ipod, and phone. Em started with the Kindle and was quite disturbed that she lost WiFi the second we left the parking lot. That was quickly tossed into the basket and she chilled with the music on the ipod for a bit. I finally gave in and gave her the phone. She apparently wasn't enjoying my playlist, so she put on youtube and was jamming to her own tunes. This allowed me to unplug the ipod from the stroller, put my earbuds in, and go to town. By this time we had made it to the lake/park.

I took the 1.5 mile route around the park today. My feet were letting me know bandaids should be on my list as well since the shoes were rubbing a blister. Tomorrow, with the aid of those bandaids, I hope to take the 2 mile route. It was at least a 1.5 mile route I took TO the park, so we are at 3 miles so far and I still had the trip home.

I am going to get out later and mark it exactly so I have a better idea of how far it was and a great place to jump start from. We were about halfway around the park/lake when my body starts figuring out I am torturing it. I just kept on walking. I don't run due to a chronic issue with my knee. It can't take the pounding and my fat ass can't take the running. It works for us.

It was during the walk around the  lake that I realized I was right to not drive to the park for the walk. Had I done so, I could have very easily cut the walk short by taking the halfway path and gone to the car. This way I had no choice. If I wanted to get home and sit down, my ass had to walk there.

The plan is to do this twice a day. Once in the morning with just myself and Emily and in the early evening with Caleb and Liz along for the trip. I fear my walks won't be as long when we add Caleb because he likes to ride his scooter so I have to be aware of where sidewalks are and are not, but I love having him come with me so if a shorter walk is required, so be it.

If I can keep this pace, by May I am pretty sure Operation Skinny Ass will be complete. When, not if as I almost typed, I drop the first twenty pounds, I am rewarding myself with a new belly ring piercing. It is the least I can do for myself.

Taking care of the whole "identity theft" issue and opening my own bank account? 100 bucks for the initial opening. New to me jogging stroller? 80 bucks. Learning that I am an independent woman worthy of so much more than this life I am living? Priceless.

Look out world...this time I mean it...HERE I COME!!!

Not a freaking clue

I have no clue what I am going to write about. This works well for me over on momaroo so let's try "ramble blogging" and see where we end up.

Operation Skinny Ass is on. My jogging stroller is the bomb and we have big plans. Tomorrow we (the stroller and I) are taking Emily for a nice long walk at the beach. Mission has a wonderful path and with this puppy, we can cover quite a bit of distance. When Caleb gets home, we repeat the distance, only around here. I am figuring by the time we cover the distance to the lake, walk around it, and walk home, we are at 3 miles easy. 3 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon. Walk this shit off or die trying.

My Ipod has once again become my best friend. Nothing horrible is going on around here, but I feel myself just starting to taste independence and mentally checking out. The every day bullshit is (to quote T Swift) "so exhausting" and this brain needs a break.

I can't wait to get home to help out Whitney with the new baby and see my sweet baby B. I miss that little bugger so much. I also get to finally meet the new man in her life. I hope he is as fantastic in person as he seems now. Baby girl deserves happy.

My morning walk was cancelled due to Emily having serious tummy issues. Thankfully, a strong shot of the miracle drugs seems to have helped. She will be on heavy doses all week long to help get her regulated and then hopefully I can wean her off to normal doses to maintain. That child is amazing with how she deals with this stuff day in and day out.

I am hoping to squeeze in a walk tonight with Caleb and Em. It is the most relaxing thing I have done in a long time. I just plug the ipod in and Emily starts singing along and off we go. I forgot how awesome Cragislist could be for deals. A like new jogging stroller for 80 bucks. The ipod dock was the clincher. Caleb has already discovered he can plug my phone in as well and jam to his favorite songs on Youtube. I am raising two music crazy kids and I love it.

Except at times like this where Emily is sitting right next to me blaring One Direction. Even with my earbuds in, I can  hear them. Ugh...not my type of music AT ALL. Thankfully, I control the tunes when we walk and my playlist is all we work from.

Okay, that is my ramble for the day. Drunk blogging later tonight if you are lucky.

It's late...

And I'm awake thinking of you. It completely and utterly sucks. I wish I could do what you do and compartmentalize my feelings, but I just can't. You know better than most, I wear my heart right out in the open. Last time I wanted to hurt you the same way you hurt me. I flaunted my new relationship in your face hoping it stung. This time? I don't want you hurt.

I want you to be happy and if your happiness isn't with me, I love you enough to TRY and say goodbye. Hell, who am I kidding? I don't want to say goodbye. I want to finally break those walls and get you to talk to me. I want to drive up there and try and get you to open the door so you can see the truth.

I  miss your voice. I miss your laugh. Okay, not so much you laughing at me, but at this point, I'd take that.

I am trying to be mature and "give you space". If you haven't noticed, that is not something I'm really great at. Sorry, basically I suck at it.

I miss you, BUT as you often told me...you can't make someone love you. God knows I've tried.

If this is your choice, I have to respect it. I don't have to like it. I don't have to agree, but I do have to respect it. I love you enough to want your happiness above my own.

Being a grown up sucks and if you ever decide you want to give this another whirl...I won't be hard to find. Trust me...I'll make it easy for you....billboards...postcards...whatever you need.

I just want you happy. Tell me you are happy and I will do my best to quietly go sit in the corner. Come on...you know just once you want to see me keep quiet...

BTW...it's late...and my phone is right beside me...ya know...just in case you forgot what I sound like and really need to know...

They don't know...

Or do they? I find myself repeating this question often throughout the day. Am I just some pathetic woman that put too much into a fling or am I the girl that fell head over heels and screwed up the best thing that ever happened to her? I know what I think. I think I know what you would say, but the fact that I have even the smallest of doubts is what infuriates you.

Those first few days of conversation you were so adamant that there was no way I could doubt your feelings and when I talk to you, I don't. It is those quiet moments in my own head that are my downfall. My friends care about me and they think you hurt me. They don't know you so they don't know I hurt you first. At least I think I did. You can see why most people think I am some crazy chick that can't get her shit together. So...for the purpose of this therapy session, we are going to go with the fact that you can't fake what happened between us...I was there and it was real...I think.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes...I am infamous for my "talk is cheap" line. "Actions speak louder than words" and all that other bravado bullshit. Hello pot, this is kettle...you're black. I am the biggest talker of all time. I talk about what I want and what I plan and then I don't do shit to get there. I blame you for your lack of action and here I sit with my big dreams a year later in the exact same place. At least you took a step to get your dream. I just talk.

My "all talk/no action" stopped about a week ago. I took steps necessary to follow my heart. No, you don't have to believe me. I don't expect you to. I didn't believe me either until I actually did it. One small step to many, but a huge one for me. Firm things put into place that will help me reach the goal of independence. If you happen to be there when I reach that goal, perfect...I want my best friend back. If you aren't...it will forever be my loss and I will always remember my time with you. I have a ways to go and much to accomplish but no doubts that I will.

I am a screw up. I made mistakes that I can't change. I want you to know that in spite of what my friends think, I own this one. I walked away when I didn't get what I wanted "rightnow" instead of taking it slowly and finding our way through a land mine.

I will not justify any of my actions. I fucked up. End of story.

Your silence hurts. It reminds me of the last time. I will never tell you the full details of how badly it got, but just know I won't allow myself to break like that again. Each day I get up, put a smile on my face, and move forward. I remind myself I did this, no one to be angry at but the girl in the mirror. I hate that girl right now, but she is fighting back and making strides to make it right.

I sometimes call late at night when I know you are at work just to hear your voice on the machine. It is those times I hear you talking about the girl who thought you two had a thing, but you barely spoke with her. Is that me? Did I invent this in my head? Was it not everything I think it was? I then remember the feel of your hand in mine. Your lips on mine...waking up in your arms...and I think no, it was real and I was there.

I don't deserve another chance. I know this. I don't even know if you will ever read this. I secretly hope you stalk my Facebook, but that is when that voice starts chanting "crazy" and I change my thought process.

I miss you. If you never speak to me again I will understand. I will hate it, but I will understand. If you do plan on speaking to me sometime in the future, could you please not wait ten years? We aren't getting any younger and I selfishly would like to have some happy times with you before I'm too old to know who the hell you are.

I will wait forever if necessary. You are worth the wait no matter what I said before. Losing you twice just hurts that much more.

Just baring my soul hoping I'm memorable enough for you to at the very least occasionally peek at my wall and see what is going on and come across this.

If I am that crazy lady that made far too much of something, let me know.

And on a final note...to quote Taylor..."I've never heard silence quite this loud". Is the story of us really over?

Dear You

Dear You,

I am not going to go into this whole long "I am an idiot and so sorry" blog because frankly, that shit is not working. So, why am I writing this? Hell if I know. You won't read it. You won't talk to me. You ignore my phone calls and emails. Most people would say fuck it and move on.

I can't do that and you know why. When this happened before, I did just that. You wanted me to move on and forget you, so I did my damnedest to grant your desire. I can say I moved on (about eight months later, not the eight days you claim), but I can't say I forgot you. You were always there in the back of my mind. Pathetic? Maybe. 

I sit here tonight just listening to some music (yes, Taylor Swift is on the playlist) and thinking of all the things I could have done differently. I could have stood my ground all those years ago, but really, do you think it would have changed your mind? You say had I given you time, you would have come around. That you were close to giving in when I moved on, but I call bullshit. Maybe you were, but is it fair to tell me that now?

I don't excuse my actions. I did move on (quickly) and I have no good explanation except to say that I am not the same person. I was very sheltered (as you know) and terrified of standing on my own. I was beaten down and afraid of my own shadow. Not an excuse, just a factual statement. He offered me what you couldn't (or wouldn't). I heard often that had you loved me, you would have made the commitment. Obviously he loved me in a way that you never did. Obviously, I was an idiot and paid dearly for the choices I made.

Today, I would laugh at that line and call bullshit. I was there, I know what we had. No one else can understand what happened because there was only the two of us in this. I hesitate to say "relationship"...why is that? Something to ponder.

You won't read this, but at least I said it. No more "sorry" bullshit. Just a simple...here is my heart...try and not break it because it will forever be yours. 

Love, 
Me

PS...Anytime you want to remove your head from your ass and pick up the phone...just let me know.

I am such a liar

As I was coming here to blog, I happen to read the last one I posted. I lied. I hurt him again. I didn't believe in his feelings and I pushed him away before he had the chance to push me. I am an idiot.

That isn't what this blog is about though. I just happen to read that one and had to say that. No, today it is about correcting my mistakes and moving on.

A week or so ago after a very difficult conversation with someone, I realized some not so fun things about myself. For all my "talk is cheap" bullshit I put on others, I am guilty of the exact same. I talk a great game, but when it comes time to take action, I freeze up. Today I took my first steps to stop doing that.

For the past two years I have said that I was going to open my own account. Most of you know that the spouse refuses to add my name to his. It is strictly about control. When I am "behaving" I have full access to all the money I could need. When I "step out of line" suddenly I can't be trusted and the debit card is taken, the password is changed for online access, and I am left with whatever I happened to have in cash in my wallet. Most days that would be about five dollars or less. I can't even cash a check for cash because he has it where he is to be called whenever someone presents themselves at the bank for such things. He thought of everything.

For one reason or another, I never followed through. Fear was one of them. What if he found out? Where would I get the funds to open my own account, etc? A few weeks ago I got my answers.

I won't bore you with the details, but things came to a very ugly point. I was once again cut off from funds and thinking I was going to have to suck it up until my latest gig was over and get as far as I could with the proceeds from that. I might have made it to Arizona.

A few days later when he realized he was being an absolute ass, I saw my opening. I gave him a choice. He could either add me to the account like every other normal married couple or I would be opening my own. I would fund it bi-weekly on his paydays and any proceeds from my part time job would go there as well. I waited two weeks and my name is still not on any bank accounts (as I knew would be the case) so I did what I said. I opened my own.

I have more than enough cash put away somewhere in which to fund it and am just waiting for my check to arrive to add more. I have done a totally online account so that no bank statements will be showing up in my mailbox. I also used my cell phone and private email for any correspondence.

Never again will I be put in a position where I have to call someone out of fear. I will have enough put away with just these two deposits to get the children and I somewhere safe. In a few weeks there will be enough to ensure we can make it to Texas without worry.

It has been a long time coming, but I did it. Fear will no longer hold me back.

I have a long way to go before I am ready to step out of here on my own terms, but if the need arises, I can step out and be okay until I can get home.

I realize talk is cheap baby, but I'm no longer just talking. I don't expect you to forgive me or even believe me. I just hold out hope that soon you will realize I am doing what needs to be done and I am doing it on my own. I'm not looking for you to pick me up when I fall...I'm a tough girl...I can handle picking myself up and dusting myself off. Of course, if you want to kiss my boo boos...I am totally okay with that.

Life begins today...it's about damn time.