I am such a liar

As I was coming here to blog, I happen to read the last one I posted. I lied. I hurt him again. I didn't believe in his feelings and I pushed him away before he had the chance to push me. I am an idiot.

That isn't what this blog is about though. I just happen to read that one and had to say that. No, today it is about correcting my mistakes and moving on.

A week or so ago after a very difficult conversation with someone, I realized some not so fun things about myself. For all my "talk is cheap" bullshit I put on others, I am guilty of the exact same. I talk a great game, but when it comes time to take action, I freeze up. Today I took my first steps to stop doing that.

For the past two years I have said that I was going to open my own account. Most of you know that the spouse refuses to add my name to his. It is strictly about control. When I am "behaving" I have full access to all the money I could need. When I "step out of line" suddenly I can't be trusted and the debit card is taken, the password is changed for online access, and I am left with whatever I happened to have in cash in my wallet. Most days that would be about five dollars or less. I can't even cash a check for cash because he has it where he is to be called whenever someone presents themselves at the bank for such things. He thought of everything.

For one reason or another, I never followed through. Fear was one of them. What if he found out? Where would I get the funds to open my own account, etc? A few weeks ago I got my answers.

I won't bore you with the details, but things came to a very ugly point. I was once again cut off from funds and thinking I was going to have to suck it up until my latest gig was over and get as far as I could with the proceeds from that. I might have made it to Arizona.

A few days later when he realized he was being an absolute ass, I saw my opening. I gave him a choice. He could either add me to the account like every other normal married couple or I would be opening my own. I would fund it bi-weekly on his paydays and any proceeds from my part time job would go there as well. I waited two weeks and my name is still not on any bank accounts (as I knew would be the case) so I did what I said. I opened my own.

I have more than enough cash put away somewhere in which to fund it and am just waiting for my check to arrive to add more. I have done a totally online account so that no bank statements will be showing up in my mailbox. I also used my cell phone and private email for any correspondence.

Never again will I be put in a position where I have to call someone out of fear. I will have enough put away with just these two deposits to get the children and I somewhere safe. In a few weeks there will be enough to ensure we can make it to Texas without worry.

It has been a long time coming, but I did it. Fear will no longer hold me back.

I have a long way to go before I am ready to step out of here on my own terms, but if the need arises, I can step out and be okay until I can get home.

I realize talk is cheap baby, but I'm no longer just talking. I don't expect you to forgive me or even believe me. I just hold out hope that soon you will realize I am doing what needs to be done and I am doing it on my own. I'm not looking for you to pick me up when I fall...I'm a tough girl...I can handle picking myself up and dusting myself off. Of course, if you want to kiss my boo boos...I am totally okay with that.

Life begins today...it's about damn time.