Dear You

Dear You,

I am not going to go into this whole long "I am an idiot and so sorry" blog because frankly, that shit is not working. So, why am I writing this? Hell if I know. You won't read it. You won't talk to me. You ignore my phone calls and emails. Most people would say fuck it and move on.

I can't do that and you know why. When this happened before, I did just that. You wanted me to move on and forget you, so I did my damnedest to grant your desire. I can say I moved on (about eight months later, not the eight days you claim), but I can't say I forgot you. You were always there in the back of my mind. Pathetic? Maybe. 

I sit here tonight just listening to some music (yes, Taylor Swift is on the playlist) and thinking of all the things I could have done differently. I could have stood my ground all those years ago, but really, do you think it would have changed your mind? You say had I given you time, you would have come around. That you were close to giving in when I moved on, but I call bullshit. Maybe you were, but is it fair to tell me that now?

I don't excuse my actions. I did move on (quickly) and I have no good explanation except to say that I am not the same person. I was very sheltered (as you know) and terrified of standing on my own. I was beaten down and afraid of my own shadow. Not an excuse, just a factual statement. He offered me what you couldn't (or wouldn't). I heard often that had you loved me, you would have made the commitment. Obviously he loved me in a way that you never did. Obviously, I was an idiot and paid dearly for the choices I made.

Today, I would laugh at that line and call bullshit. I was there, I know what we had. No one else can understand what happened because there was only the two of us in this. I hesitate to say "relationship"...why is that? Something to ponder.

You won't read this, but at least I said it. No more "sorry" bullshit. Just a simple...here is my heart...try and not break it because it will forever be yours. 

Love, 
Me

PS...Anytime you want to remove your head from your ass and pick up the phone...just let me know.