They don't know...

Or do they? I find myself repeating this question often throughout the day. Am I just some pathetic woman that put too much into a fling or am I the girl that fell head over heels and screwed up the best thing that ever happened to her? I know what I think. I think I know what you would say, but the fact that I have even the smallest of doubts is what infuriates you.

Those first few days of conversation you were so adamant that there was no way I could doubt your feelings and when I talk to you, I don't. It is those quiet moments in my own head that are my downfall. My friends care about me and they think you hurt me. They don't know you so they don't know I hurt you first. At least I think I did. You can see why most people think I am some crazy chick that can't get her shit together. So...for the purpose of this therapy session, we are going to go with the fact that you can't fake what happened between us...I was there and it was real...I think.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes...I am infamous for my "talk is cheap" line. "Actions speak louder than words" and all that other bravado bullshit. Hello pot, this is kettle...you're black. I am the biggest talker of all time. I talk about what I want and what I plan and then I don't do shit to get there. I blame you for your lack of action and here I sit with my big dreams a year later in the exact same place. At least you took a step to get your dream. I just talk.

My "all talk/no action" stopped about a week ago. I took steps necessary to follow my heart. No, you don't have to believe me. I don't expect you to. I didn't believe me either until I actually did it. One small step to many, but a huge one for me. Firm things put into place that will help me reach the goal of independence. If you happen to be there when I reach that goal, perfect...I want my best friend back. If you aren't...it will forever be my loss and I will always remember my time with you. I have a ways to go and much to accomplish but no doubts that I will.

I am a screw up. I made mistakes that I can't change. I want you to know that in spite of what my friends think, I own this one. I walked away when I didn't get what I wanted "rightnow" instead of taking it slowly and finding our way through a land mine.

I will not justify any of my actions. I fucked up. End of story.

Your silence hurts. It reminds me of the last time. I will never tell you the full details of how badly it got, but just know I won't allow myself to break like that again. Each day I get up, put a smile on my face, and move forward. I remind myself I did this, no one to be angry at but the girl in the mirror. I hate that girl right now, but she is fighting back and making strides to make it right.

I sometimes call late at night when I know you are at work just to hear your voice on the machine. It is those times I hear you talking about the girl who thought you two had a thing, but you barely spoke with her. Is that me? Did I invent this in my head? Was it not everything I think it was? I then remember the feel of your hand in mine. Your lips on mine...waking up in your arms...and I think no, it was real and I was there.

I don't deserve another chance. I know this. I don't even know if you will ever read this. I secretly hope you stalk my Facebook, but that is when that voice starts chanting "crazy" and I change my thought process.

I miss you. If you never speak to me again I will understand. I will hate it, but I will understand. If you do plan on speaking to me sometime in the future, could you please not wait ten years? We aren't getting any younger and I selfishly would like to have some happy times with you before I'm too old to know who the hell you are.

I will wait forever if necessary. You are worth the wait no matter what I said before. Losing you twice just hurts that much more.

Just baring my soul hoping I'm memorable enough for you to at the very least occasionally peek at my wall and see what is going on and come across this.

If I am that crazy lady that made far too much of something, let me know.

And on a final note...to quote Taylor..."I've never heard silence quite this loud". Is the story of us really over?