It's late...

And I'm awake thinking of you. It completely and utterly sucks. I wish I could do what you do and compartmentalize my feelings, but I just can't. You know better than most, I wear my heart right out in the open. Last time I wanted to hurt you the same way you hurt me. I flaunted my new relationship in your face hoping it stung. This time? I don't want you hurt.

I want you to be happy and if your happiness isn't with me, I love you enough to TRY and say goodbye. Hell, who am I kidding? I don't want to say goodbye. I want to finally break those walls and get you to talk to me. I want to drive up there and try and get you to open the door so you can see the truth.

I  miss your voice. I miss your laugh. Okay, not so much you laughing at me, but at this point, I'd take that.

I am trying to be mature and "give you space". If you haven't noticed, that is not something I'm really great at. Sorry, basically I suck at it.

I miss you, BUT as you often told me...you can't make someone love you. God knows I've tried.

If this is your choice, I have to respect it. I don't have to like it. I don't have to agree, but I do have to respect it. I love you enough to want your happiness above my own.

Being a grown up sucks and if you ever decide you want to give this another whirl...I won't be hard to find. Trust me...I'll make it easy for you....billboards...postcards...whatever you need.

I just want you happy. Tell me you are happy and I will do my best to quietly go sit in the corner. Come on...you know just once you want to see me keep quiet...

BTW...it's late...and my phone is right beside me...ya know...just in case you forgot what I sound like and really need to know...

They don't know...

Or do they? I find myself repeating this question often throughout the day. Am I just some pathetic woman that put too much into a fling or am I the girl that fell head over heels and screwed up the best thing that ever happened to her? I know what I think. I think I know what you would say, but the fact that I have even the smallest of doubts is what infuriates you.

Those first few days of conversation you were so adamant that there was no way I could doubt your feelings and when I talk to you, I don't. It is those quiet moments in my own head that are my downfall. My friends care about me and they think you hurt me. They don't know you so they don't know I hurt you first. At least I think I did. You can see why most people think I am some crazy chick that can't get her shit together. So...for the purpose of this therapy session, we are going to go with the fact that you can't fake what happened between us...I was there and it was real...I think.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes...I am infamous for my "talk is cheap" line. "Actions speak louder than words" and all that other bravado bullshit. Hello pot, this is kettle...you're black. I am the biggest talker of all time. I talk about what I want and what I plan and then I don't do shit to get there. I blame you for your lack of action and here I sit with my big dreams a year later in the exact same place. At least you took a step to get your dream. I just talk.

My "all talk/no action" stopped about a week ago. I took steps necessary to follow my heart. No, you don't have to believe me. I don't expect you to. I didn't believe me either until I actually did it. One small step to many, but a huge one for me. Firm things put into place that will help me reach the goal of independence. If you happen to be there when I reach that goal, perfect...I want my best friend back. If you aren't...it will forever be my loss and I will always remember my time with you. I have a ways to go and much to accomplish but no doubts that I will.

I am a screw up. I made mistakes that I can't change. I want you to know that in spite of what my friends think, I own this one. I walked away when I didn't get what I wanted "rightnow" instead of taking it slowly and finding our way through a land mine.

I will not justify any of my actions. I fucked up. End of story.

Your silence hurts. It reminds me of the last time. I will never tell you the full details of how badly it got, but just know I won't allow myself to break like that again. Each day I get up, put a smile on my face, and move forward. I remind myself I did this, no one to be angry at but the girl in the mirror. I hate that girl right now, but she is fighting back and making strides to make it right.

I sometimes call late at night when I know you are at work just to hear your voice on the machine. It is those times I hear you talking about the girl who thought you two had a thing, but you barely spoke with her. Is that me? Did I invent this in my head? Was it not everything I think it was? I then remember the feel of your hand in mine. Your lips on mine...waking up in your arms...and I think no, it was real and I was there.

I don't deserve another chance. I know this. I don't even know if you will ever read this. I secretly hope you stalk my Facebook, but that is when that voice starts chanting "crazy" and I change my thought process.

I miss you. If you never speak to me again I will understand. I will hate it, but I will understand. If you do plan on speaking to me sometime in the future, could you please not wait ten years? We aren't getting any younger and I selfishly would like to have some happy times with you before I'm too old to know who the hell you are.

I will wait forever if necessary. You are worth the wait no matter what I said before. Losing you twice just hurts that much more.

Just baring my soul hoping I'm memorable enough for you to at the very least occasionally peek at my wall and see what is going on and come across this.

If I am that crazy lady that made far too much of something, let me know.

And on a final note...to quote Taylor..."I've never heard silence quite this loud". Is the story of us really over?

Dear You

Dear You,

I am not going to go into this whole long "I am an idiot and so sorry" blog because frankly, that shit is not working. So, why am I writing this? Hell if I know. You won't read it. You won't talk to me. You ignore my phone calls and emails. Most people would say fuck it and move on.

I can't do that and you know why. When this happened before, I did just that. You wanted me to move on and forget you, so I did my damnedest to grant your desire. I can say I moved on (about eight months later, not the eight days you claim), but I can't say I forgot you. You were always there in the back of my mind. Pathetic? Maybe. 

I sit here tonight just listening to some music (yes, Taylor Swift is on the playlist) and thinking of all the things I could have done differently. I could have stood my ground all those years ago, but really, do you think it would have changed your mind? You say had I given you time, you would have come around. That you were close to giving in when I moved on, but I call bullshit. Maybe you were, but is it fair to tell me that now?

I don't excuse my actions. I did move on (quickly) and I have no good explanation except to say that I am not the same person. I was very sheltered (as you know) and terrified of standing on my own. I was beaten down and afraid of my own shadow. Not an excuse, just a factual statement. He offered me what you couldn't (or wouldn't). I heard often that had you loved me, you would have made the commitment. Obviously he loved me in a way that you never did. Obviously, I was an idiot and paid dearly for the choices I made.

Today, I would laugh at that line and call bullshit. I was there, I know what we had. No one else can understand what happened because there was only the two of us in this. I hesitate to say "relationship"...why is that? Something to ponder.

You won't read this, but at least I said it. No more "sorry" bullshit. Just a simple...here is my heart...try and not break it because it will forever be yours. 

Love, 
Me

PS...Anytime you want to remove your head from your ass and pick up the phone...just let me know.

I am such a liar

As I was coming here to blog, I happen to read the last one I posted. I lied. I hurt him again. I didn't believe in his feelings and I pushed him away before he had the chance to push me. I am an idiot.

That isn't what this blog is about though. I just happen to read that one and had to say that. No, today it is about correcting my mistakes and moving on.

A week or so ago after a very difficult conversation with someone, I realized some not so fun things about myself. For all my "talk is cheap" bullshit I put on others, I am guilty of the exact same. I talk a great game, but when it comes time to take action, I freeze up. Today I took my first steps to stop doing that.

For the past two years I have said that I was going to open my own account. Most of you know that the spouse refuses to add my name to his. It is strictly about control. When I am "behaving" I have full access to all the money I could need. When I "step out of line" suddenly I can't be trusted and the debit card is taken, the password is changed for online access, and I am left with whatever I happened to have in cash in my wallet. Most days that would be about five dollars or less. I can't even cash a check for cash because he has it where he is to be called whenever someone presents themselves at the bank for such things. He thought of everything.

For one reason or another, I never followed through. Fear was one of them. What if he found out? Where would I get the funds to open my own account, etc? A few weeks ago I got my answers.

I won't bore you with the details, but things came to a very ugly point. I was once again cut off from funds and thinking I was going to have to suck it up until my latest gig was over and get as far as I could with the proceeds from that. I might have made it to Arizona.

A few days later when he realized he was being an absolute ass, I saw my opening. I gave him a choice. He could either add me to the account like every other normal married couple or I would be opening my own. I would fund it bi-weekly on his paydays and any proceeds from my part time job would go there as well. I waited two weeks and my name is still not on any bank accounts (as I knew would be the case) so I did what I said. I opened my own.

I have more than enough cash put away somewhere in which to fund it and am just waiting for my check to arrive to add more. I have done a totally online account so that no bank statements will be showing up in my mailbox. I also used my cell phone and private email for any correspondence.

Never again will I be put in a position where I have to call someone out of fear. I will have enough put away with just these two deposits to get the children and I somewhere safe. In a few weeks there will be enough to ensure we can make it to Texas without worry.

It has been a long time coming, but I did it. Fear will no longer hold me back.

I have a long way to go before I am ready to step out of here on my own terms, but if the need arises, I can step out and be okay until I can get home.

I realize talk is cheap baby, but I'm no longer just talking. I don't expect you to forgive me or even believe me. I just hold out hope that soon you will realize I am doing what needs to be done and I am doing it on my own. I'm not looking for you to pick me up when I fall...I'm a tough girl...I can handle picking myself up and dusting myself off. Of course, if you want to kiss my boo boos...I am totally okay with that.

Life begins today...it's about damn time.

All In

A few days ago some friends and I were talking and it led me to admit that I am totally an "all in" kind of person. What I mean is that I know what I want, and I do not want to wait for it. I have very few virtues and I can assure you that patience is not one of them.

I have come to realize how difficult that can be when I happen to be head over heels for someone that is more a "thinker" and less an "all in" personality. When I push for things, his natural instinct is to think about all the millions of things that could go wrong.

It doesn't mean he doesn't long for the same things I do, it just means he is more cautious. Sometimes that makes me crazy. I am sure he would say the same about me. LOL

Just because I don't verbalize every fear that crosses my mind, it does not mean I haven't given them consideration. My idea is that I would rather try and fail than to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?"

When he brings up his fears, he thinks I dismiss them without giving them thought. That could not be farther from the truth. I worry about uprooting my children. I worry about not being the woman  he thinks I am. I worry about a ton of things. However, to quote a line from my new favorite movie "You can have chicken shit or you can have chicken salad...which do you want?"

I want chicken salad damnit. I don't have all the answers. I can't promise that this won't be a mistake and that we won't get hurt, but I can promise that I am willing to take that first step and just trust that the rest of the staircase is there, even when I can't see it.

I can promise I won't push and I won't dismiss the fears. I will be the best mom I can be to my children and help them through this transition as much as humanly possible. I can promise you that I will be standing on my own two feet and not looking to you to catch me if I fall.

I don't have all (or even any) of the answers, but I do know unless we open that book, we will never know how this story ends.

I'm sorry that I am an "all in" type of girl, but in my defense, you knew that years ago. And in yours, I knew you tended to think and see things from all angles before proceeding. They say opposites attract, and goodness knows we attract, so from this point forward, I promise to appreciate our differences and stop trying to pound your square peg into the round hole. (Yes, I realize how that sounds and get your dirty minds out of the gutter...that was not what I meant. )

I can't say we won't get hurt, but I can say I will do my best to never hurt you again.

(Sorry, I said no blogs about us, but this was on my mind.)

Realizations

A few weeks ago I began two new medications. My panic attacks were out of control and the stress on my body had just reached a breaking point. I have now been informed it might be a thyroid issue, but have learned that in times of intense stress, one can throw their thyroid out of whack and once the stress is relieved, things balance out again. I go back in a month for a recheck and we should know something at that time.

Anyway, after having it confirmed that my stress level was at an all time high, the kind doctor gave me the two magic pills to help me though the day. Never in my life have I had to take two, but apparently I looked that nuts. Things are better, but I have a long way to go before I can consider myself "normal".

I decided after the fog had begun to clear that perhaps it would be a good time to reevaluate my relationship and see if my "mental instability" was the cause of the conflicts. I spent the last week doing my best to come at things with a different attitude. I was quieter, less quick to anger (totally due to the meds), and really focused on how I spoke and responded to things. Part of me just had to know if my mental break was the problem or was I right in thinking there was more at work.

Well, I can tell you that my mental break is NOT the problem. Communication is still such a joke and I have an even clearer view of the failings in this relationship. Things are fine as long as I am "yes'ing" him to death, but the moment I express an opinion that does not fall in line with his, we are back to square one.

His son is still a huge problem in our lives. The way he continues to refuse to enforce rules and allow him to do as he pleases further proves that we will never see eye to eye.

I think he had  hoped that me medicated would simply make me easier to control. Unfortunately for him it has just given me my voice back minus much of the delicate emotions behind it. I don't cry. I don't yell. I make calm statements about what is wrong in our marriage and how I don't see it ever resolving.

While I still don't have answers as to how and when exactly I am making this break; I know without a moments hesitation it will be sooner rather than later and that the children and I are going to be just fine. God is already putting things in place to make the adjustment easier on all of us.

I learned a few days ago that Caleb's beloved principal will be leaving his school at the end of the year. He is less upset at the idea of leaving as a result. The large acting gig I beg to work every year, but never seem to fit in a needed role, has been semi confirmed for me. I am just waiting on my schedule to find out how often I will be utilized to determine how much I will be paid. It is a month long project with several of us playing the same role, but even a minimum of five performances pads my "move fund" greatly.

My heart and soul loves Southern California. I, as well as Caleb and  Em, are total beach bums, but if life takes us back to Texas, last I checked we had some beautiful beaches there as well. Yes, they are more than a twenty minute car ride, but just think of the fun we can have driving to South Padre for a week? If life carries me elsewhere, I am okay with that too. My home is simply where my children and I lay our head in peace, the address is just logistics.

So, here you have me...heavily medicated, but completely calm and at peace with whatever comes my way. It feels good...I gotta say.

Ramblings

Not exactly sure where this one is heading. Two days ago I sought out help for the ongoing panic attacks. The doctor was wonderful and prescribed two medications that are helping thus far. I have a long way to go before my body is back to normal, but I am on the right path and that is what matters.


I had a little fun on my other blog yesterday testing out a theory. My husband seems to believe his family couldn't care less what I post over there and never reads it any longer, but I find that hilarious. I have no doubt they are reading it looking for clues as to what is going on in our lives. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

As you know, I purposely changed the direction of that blog and began to write my real life things over here. Well, in reality, I haven't written much anywhere for quite some time. My mind and body really did just shut down and I was doing all I could to just survive each day.

Yesterday after my first nights sleep in six days I actually felt like writing. I headed to the original blog and pretty much spilled my guts about the meds. I am guessing within three days my husband will be receiving an oh so innocent phone call inquiring as to how I am doing. God knows I am not talking to those idiots, but this will be funny if I prove to be right.

What he fails to grasp is that I don't care that they read the blog. I am honest and real in all I put out there. My problem is the attack I received as a result. They do not live my life. They cannot tell me I am wrong.

Anywho, here I am...so I promised to write about the things they wished I still wrote over there, and I hope to do that.

Life is pretty good. My June move out date doesn't seem feasible at this time. Money is an issue as always. Making sure Caleb and Emily are secure and safe is a big concern. My decision to remain in Southern California means that money saved needs to be about three times the amount I have so far. No big deal. I have done this for ten years, a few more months are certainly not going to hurt me.

I have made steps to get my FASFA completed for school and will be contacting them to take in the records from Emily's birth which will clearly show why I was unable to complete my semester and will take me off academic probation thus opening up my financial aid. I qualify for a full Pell and that will be the money used to make the transition from wife to single mom.

Whitney has made a great life for herself and Braiden back home, so she will most likely not be coming back and moving in with me. While I hate the thought of not having her with me, I realize she needs to take the path that is best for her and Braiden, so I support the decision.

I would love to keep Caleb in his school, so apartment hunting within Lakeside will begin in earnest next month. It will be September before I have the funds ready for a move in, but I can start doing my homework and seeing which complex offers us the best for our funds.

The love of my life keeps telling me to face everything one day at a time and Baby, that is what I am doing. So, there you have it...my goals for the next few months while still trying to focus on each day as it comes.