The Face in the Mirror

This weekend has been a difficult one. A few days ago I had my "aha" moment and have been reeling from it ever since. I found myself shutting down quite a bit and am only here now out of sheer force. I need to get this out and move on, so here I am.

Watching the man fight so hard for something that I know is over has been a trying experience. The other day when discussing with him my desire that he simply stop because being here with him was exhausting, it hit me. I held that mirror up and saw myself.

I do not want him in much the same way that you don't want me. It is exhausting dealing with someone that won't take "drop dead", or in our case, absolute silence; for an answer.I kept trying in the hopes that you would "get over it" and realize that I didn't mean what I said and forgive me. Your silence speaks far louder than your words ever did. You aren't going to get over it and while I own a lot of the blame, you have your share as well.

I had my second chance and didn't get it right. I can't continue to fight for something that only one of us wants. I am tired of being exhausted and I am tired of being exhausting. Time to face the girl in the mirror and let her know second chances are rare and third ones are non existent.

Moving on isn't fun, but sometimes loving someone means letting them go. I hope you find her...I will forever regret it wasn't me.

Update of sorts

I am hesitant to write this because I have a strict "all action/no talking" policy, but this isn't really about my future plans, so I am thinking I can allow myself this little therapy session.

Honestly, where this was headed just went straight out of my head...going to just type and see if I can find the focus. God help us all....

The other night in yet another attempt to discuss my future plans, the man asked me if I was having an affair. I said of course I was. I was leaving him for Kristen. I mean come on, you ask me a stupid question, you are going to get a smart ass answer.

Why is it that when a woman decides she has had enough that the man automatically assumes there is someone else? Am I not a strong person capable of standing on my own two feet? Do I look like I need a man to care for me? Okay, I am terrified of the future, but I will face it with my head held high and doing what is the absolute best thing for my children. Fuck needing a man, seriously.

Okay, maybe not totally. Do I want my happily ever after? Of course I do. I am, at heart, a hopeless romantic that believes in love. Will I jump into a new relationship simply because this one ended? No...been there, done that and lost someone very important to me as a result. This time my head leads and my heart shuts the fuck up.

The man is making an effort to make changes. He continues to ask me if it will be enough to change my mind and I continue to either avoid the subject or tell him as gently as possible, that no, it won't. Perhaps had he done this six or seven years ago, I would feel differently, but to try and beg for your life as they are pulling the switch on the chair, just screams of insincerity. If you were really interested in saving something, you would not wait until my foot is out the door.

I have been down this path far too many times. I have heard "I will change...it will be better" so often it should be stamped on my forehead. The fact is, it won't change. He will attempt to apply a band aid to something that requires a tourniquet and think it won't bleed to death. It already has bled out and the only hope of saving me is to walk away.

I am sure I will be called selfish. I am okay with that. I know the truth. Saving me is the priority because my children deserve a mom that is happy. Living this way has taken its toll and if I want my son and daughter to see how a marriage should be, I need to step away from a bad one. Never would I want my son to treat a woman the way I have allowed myself to be treated. Never do I want my daughter to think belittling and control are the norm.

He isn't an awful person. We both brought our own demons into this relationship, but this is poison and it is time I did what needs to be done. In the end, I know he will feel a sense of relief as well. He doesn't think so now because he is still in "keep her" mode. Once we are on the other side, I know he will be able to reflect and see he deserves so much more than what I gave him.

I don't want to hurt him. I just want to do what is best for all of us. In the end, people will be hurt and for that I am sorry, but it will only be temporary. In time, life will sort out and he will see how unhappy this time has been and have the ability to find the woman put here for him. I don't know who or where she is, but I do know, it isn't me. My heart was given away years ago and I never got it back...

Finding my way

Thanks to some quick thinking and some amazing friends, my Amazon account got a pretty nice deposit last night. I was able to purchase Caleb one of his "must haves" for Christmas and still have over 40 dollars remaining in "free money". I do so love free. I plan on sitting on the rest and watching out for some hot deals the closer we get to Black Friday.

Yesterday was not a great day. I woke up just irritable and couldn't seem to pull myself out. I knew it was a "me" problem and tried to let everyone know it wasn't personal, but I was a total bitch to deal with. I didn't even get a full walk in because my mood was so off. I came home instead and angry cleaned. Doing that and the laundry helped me wake up in much better spirits today. Knowing that the house isn't a wreck means I can focus on getting my work out in.

The situation with the demon is still not settled. Seems that no one wants him  next week. I suggested that the man call his mother (he does have a mother after all) and let him stay with her. Why it is everyone expects ME to have some great bond with this child when they all do not, is beyond me. His own mother doesn't want to see any of them. Am I the only one that grasp this?

So, it looks like I have two choices. Suck it up or use some of my saved funds and spend three days at a hotel. It is the holidays...in San Diego...not going to happen. So, apparently sucking it up is my only option. I do know that after Wednesday, he will be gone until Sunday. I guess I can handle that. I plan on taking Caleb and Emily out early every day and staying out late. The beach will be nice, they can spend a few hours there, we can pack a picnic, and then hit the park. If I time it right, we never have to see him. Tuesday's are free museum days, so that should be a fun experience too. Now is not the time for me to play fast and loose with my funds. As nice as it would be to have a getaway...the bigger picture is far more important.

I broke out in hives this morning? WTF?? I have had this happen a few times, but typically only during extremely stressful situations. I am not stressed at all. My body must not know what to do with calm. Planning on taking some Benydral when we get back from our walk. Hopefully that clears up the itching. I just think it is hysterical that my body is reacting to calm in this manner. I have some seriously messed up messages going on within there.

I was woken up last night by something crashing somewhere. I got up thinking it woke everyone up, but they were all sound asleep. I am starting to wonder if I was just having a vivid dream. I walked around and couldn't find anything out of place, so went back to bed hoping that someone wasn't breaking in through another room. Now I wonder if it wasn't someone sneaking in...funny how that didn't occur to me last night. I guess I need to check the kids room to see if I can find something amiss. I wouldn't put it past either of them to try and sneak out.

Oh well, as I like to chant often...not my problem. It would explain the bent screen in the girls room though.

Time to wake up Caleb and get this day started.

Excuses, excuses

After my day off due to illness yesterday, I knew it was going to be difficult to get myself up and going this morning. It started off with the pouring rain. Oh man, can't walk outside in the rain...must modify...mall walking? Sure, sounds good. Thankfully by the time I took Caleb to school, the rain was gone and the sun was shining. Walk around the lake it is.

My head hurt. Did I really want to walk with a headache? I was still recovering from yesterday, did I really want to push myself? It was too cold/hot...what if I got sick halfway through? Oh I had a million excuses. I was weak...I needed to eat more...what if the guy came to look at the leak while I was gone? I finally told myself to shut up and get out the door.

It helps that the second we walk in, Emily goes straight to the jogger and waits for me to put her in. She knows the routine and she loves it.

We hit the road and my pants literally keep falling down. This is where the bargaining begins. Well, I can't walk around with my pants constantly falling down. I will look silly. I will go to the end of the block and then turn around to go home. We get to the end of the block and I know Emily will be so disappointed if she doesn't see the lake. I keep moving forward.

We make it to the lake and the internal bargaining begins again. Maybe we will just do the half walk today instead of the figure eight. We reach the place where I can either turn right for the 1.5 walk or turn left and get a half mile. I turned right. The figure eight is the easiest most shaded walk after all.

We get around the lake and it starts again. I could just go straight and forget the last bit of the eight...that won't take off more than three fourths of a mile. I made the turn. Some time during the internal debate I just told myself enough was enough. There was no reason to modify the walk. I had done it ten times prior and today would be no different.

I do have a wicked headache and had to really push to complete the walk today, but the fact is, I did it. I refused to accept defeat and continued on. I am far stronger than I give myself credit for and I need to start realizing that.

Yes, I am exhausted and want to chill for a bit, but I did what needed to be done. Not too shabby for a rainy Thursday.

Lessons learned

I am officially into week 2 of Operation Skinny Ass and wanted to share a few of the lessons I learned this past week.

1. It doesn't matter what it is (low calorie brownies, Special K bars, etc) if I am eating/drinking it...my kids want it. If they were in the middle of the desert and dying of thirst, they wouldn't touch water. See me with a water bottle in my hand and suddenly water is the greatest thing they have ever had. 
2. I really prefer to walk alone. Well, alone with Emily. Emily just chills in her stroller listening to music and dancing. She doesn't question me on how slow/fast I am walking. She doesn't make me pull my earbuds out a million times to answer a question. Most importantly, she doesn't make me feel as though I have to prove myself. It is just she and I taking a walk.
3. There really is nothing that taste as good as skinny (or healthy) feels. 
4. The numbers on the scale do not define me, but my favorite pair of jeans that I am dying to fit into, do. 
5. Blisters heal so using them as an excuse not to walk is lame.
6. I should totally buy stock in Band Aid.
7. Special K Crisp taste just like my favorite Pop Tarts and have one third the calories. 
8. Sugar and I don't really need to have an intense love affair. The little bit I consume with my "sweet treats" is enough to satisfy that craving.
9. If I want the ice cream, I will have the ice cream. Funny thing...since I didn't ban the ice cream, I have no desire for it. 
10. My friends are amazing. When I am having an off day, they are right there to remind me that if I want to achieve this goal and am serious, I will find a way to modify and move on. Thanks to Kristen's pep talk yesterday, I hit the beach and put in more than four miles.
11. This journey isn't a sprint, it is a lifetime change. I will forever have to modify my food so that I can continue to remain healthy and at a weight I am comfortable.
12. I only have myself to compete with. I may not walk as far or as fast as other people, but I walk as far and as fast as I need to make myself feel better.
13. When doing more than four miles at the beach and you set the goal for the pier...always remember that you must walk BACK the same distance to get to the car. My feet are still angry with me for that one.
14. Love the person you see in the mirror. She will be with you for your entire lifetime. 
15. And finally...always be on the lookout for creepy neighbor guy at the lake. You never know when he is going to pop up and frankly, your upper body strength sucks, so you would have to outrun him. 

This week has been difficult and yet so fulfilling. I am starting to notice small changes and that just keeps me that much more motivated. Those moments I began to feel defeated, I reminded myself this was a choice I had made and last I checked, I didn't quit.

Here is to Operation Skinny Ass Week 2...I got this.

Down but far from out

I knew this weekend would be difficult for my workouts. I loathe change in my routines and having all the kids home was a change. I figured out how to work it out yesterday and was confident I could do the same today. Unfortunately, I didn't put myself first and am paying for it now.

Grocery shopping needed to be done. I promised Liz she could walk with me, etc. Instead of grabbing Emily and going the second I got up, I sat  here waiting for Liz to get up. By the time grocery shopping was done and I was home, it was 10:30 and she was still asleep. I finally got her up and we headed out at 11. Did I  mention it is 90 degrees?

I didn't even make it to the end of the street before I had sucked down almost half my water bottle. That same bottle that typically doesn't get touched until I am well more than halfway through the entire walk. I knew I was doomed. I made the decision that it wasn't going to happen. I was already covered in sweat and my water (which is a necessary evil for a girl with panic attacks) was not going to get me even to the lake, much less the entire walk.

I felt so frustrated and defeated turning back. I allowed myself a five minute pity party and then re-evaluated the day. I had spent the morning cleaning, that counts. I walked around the grocery store for an hour, that counted. I made it not quite a mile on the ill fated walk, that counted. While it is not the four miles I wanted, it was something and the day isn't over. I will get those four miles in before the moon hits the sky.

Caleb is begging me to go swimming and honestly, it is warm enough. Maybe I should just give in and swim some laps for something different. It really isn't important how I get the exercise in, just that I do.

I did find some great alternative to my Pop Tart addiction. Yes, pop tarts were thrown out with the "no sugar" rule. It was a sad day, but Special K has their own slightly different version. I am looking forward to my 100 calorie non Pop Tarts in the morning. I am sure they will be just as delicious as my 90 calorie brownies.

I need to get up and do something before I allow myself to listen to the inner demon telling me to "take the day off". Not.Going.To.Happen.

Changing it up a bit

I knew the weekend would present me with hurdles. I was prepared for it. The oldest had a school function early this morning which meant I could either drag Caleb with me for a shorter walk or figure out something else. Emily woke up even croupier than yesterday and did not look like a candidate to get out at 7 am and walk in the cold.

I pondered it for a bit and decided that the house could stand my attention. So, instead of the morning walk, I spent the morning cleaning the house top to bottom and had the oldest promise he would watch the little ones tonight so I could take my walk alone. I will NOT simply skip the walk. That isn't going to happen. This is far too important to me.

Now the house is clean and I am bored. My body is begging to get out and take a walk. My eyes then glance at the sick little girl on the couch and realize that just isn't fair to her. I typically bundle her up and just go, but today is different. She feels terrible and Caleb can't be left here with the demon spawn so chances are the walk would not be that long anyway.

I was going through the toy closet today thinking "this needs to go, when did we get that? WTH is this?" Time to do some purging. Monday morning I will be making a run to the donation center. With Christmas coming up, we are already bursting at the seams and I really have to thin out some of the stuff.

I have kicked the idea around of selling Em's playhouse. Since the move, it sits out on the patio and she rarely goes out to play in it. Part of me says hold on to it for the future...I don't know what kind of housing we will have a year from now, but the other part says "where in the hell are you going to put that thing during the transition?" It is HUGE.

For now it remains on the patio. No decisions need to be made today. Things have been calm and so I should still have plenty of time to work out those details.

In a few weeks I will actually get a weekend (at least part of it) to myself. It has been so long since I have been here alone. The man is taking the kids to visit his family for some reunion thing and oddly enough, I have no desire to go. I assume it will be during that weekend he will inform them of the decisions, so it should be a fun "Ange is an absolute Bitch" type weekend. I plan on hanging out here and reacquainting myself with the hot tub.

I am fairly certain that he will also leave for the holidays. There was talk about him staying here this year, but since the "talk" he seems more resolved to just go. I hope he does. I need the break in all honesty. If so, another day of just me and the hot tub. Just hope crazy ex neighbor doesn't come over and catch me. *shudder*

I was seriously skittish the first time Em and I went back to the lake following his "surprise" visit the other day. Here she is holding my very non lost phone and I look like the big liar that I was. Thankfully we didn't see them. I just worry because they live right across the street and I have to pass in front of their complex twice on the route. Ugh..if Lake Jennings weren't so far down, we would go there instead, but that requires me to drive and then walk. That just seems silly. I will deal with the potential uncovering of my lies.

He mentioned he had been trying to locate me on Facebook. Good luck with that. My first name is spelled really oddly and you will never get it right. Add to that the fact I misspelled my last name when you asked me how to spell it and I feel pretty confident I won't be found. Yes, I am a horrible person. I am aware.

Getting my nails done yesterday was a nice treat. I haven't had it done in months. I didn't even have to dip into my funds. The man had offered to do it weeks ago and so I took that as "sure, use my money" yesterday when I hit the salon. See my above "horrible person" comment. :)

Oh well, in a few hours I can get my workout in and then hopefully crash for the night. If Em isn't better tomorrow, to the doctor we go.

Never blog medicated

It's another late night and I am sitting here waiting for my melatonin to kick in. So, why am I here? Boredom I guess.

The workouts are going great. Emily is a fantastic motivator. Watching her dance and hearing her sing to the ipod can bring me back from the brink of giving up quicker than anything I know. I have made my preset goal each day even when I have had to convince myself to get out the door.

I am a bit worried about tomorrow. It is the weekend and everyone is home. Caleb has been dying to go with us on our walks, but I can't let him take his scooter since he doesn't have a helmet. This means that he will need to walk the entire four miles. I can see a mile in and him pooping out on me. Short of carrying him on my back (which is not happening), he will have to walk. I don't want to discourage his coming, but I want to be realistic. In the end, if the walk is a bit shorter tomorrow, so be it.

I have to keep reminding myself, and those around me, that this is not a sprint I am doing. It is more a marathon. I don't pay too close attention to how long the four miles takes me. Keep in mind, I have traffic (a bit) and a stroller to contend with. One of the boys made the comment that I walked extremely slow if it was taking me an hour to walk the four miles. I'm not walking a track. I am walking in our neighborhood. I have lots of roads to turn on, hills to climb, etc. I'm not trying to break any records here. I am just trying to get my body back to a place that doesn't horrify me.

It is so frustrating to know how hard I am working and get so little understanding. Yes, I am sure at 17, I could have done this in under fifteen minutes, but guess what...I'm not 17 any longer. I have given birth to five children. I have allowed myself to get lazy and out of shape. At 17 I was working out two hours per day five days a week with the drill/dance team. I was dancing two nights a week for three hours per night at dance class. I was freakishly fit. At (whatever age I am now) I am not that same tiny girl.

I'm not saying I need a cheerleading team standing outside and cheering me on, but the negative comments need to stop. This is my journey and I am proud of all that I have done thus far. I have such a long way to go, but I am off to a great start.

I don't do scales, so I'm not sure how I am going to handle the "where am I at weight wise" as of yet. I am considering getting a scale and keeping it elsewhere until I weigh in every two weeks. I want to go at least two weeks between weigh ins simply because it takes time and the last thing I need to see is a plateau.

My weight loss goal is simply to rock my bikini come next summer. Well, actually late April/early May. Caleb, Emily, and myself are going back home to help Whitney with the baby and I plan on meeting up with a dear friend of mine for some fun at the lake while I am there. She has this amazing body and I would like us to be two hot mama's enjoying the sun.

I have a great bikini, but the bottoms have always fit my body poorly. Thankfully I had some different cut bottoms that were the same color and I have worn those the past summer. Next year, I want the skimpier bottoms and I am going to do it.

I would love to do some before/during/and after pics, but I hate my body so much that I hate the idea of taking a pic. If you notice,  the only pictures I ever post are of my face and those are so carefully planned out you would think my life depended on it.I end up discarding far more than I keep.

I am  hoping to get some decent sleep tonight so I am ready to face tomorrow. Caleb has already requested I get donuts for breakfast. Um, honey...did you not get the memo that Mommy isn't doing sugar? Thankfully, it has been relatively simple giving up that vice and I am pretty sure I can get them donuts without feeling the need to eat some myself. Although I swear, if one more person offers me candy/cake/cookies...I might need bail money.

It almost seems like they want to test me. Trust me, if I can go to Sonic three times this week for happy hour and walk away with unsweetened tea as opposed to a cherry coke...your stupid cookie isn't going to do me in. It is times like this that I am really glad I don't live near family. I love my mom dearly, but she has a habit of feeding you...constantly. I would spend most of my day turning down food.

Well, I think the meds are kicking in and I hope I didn't say anything stupid...day six is tomorrow...I'm ready to kick its ass and take names.

And so it begins

I think I said no life updates and I don't think I am breaking that promise with this one. I am not discussing my goals or future plans. Just rehashing something that happened last night.

As most of you that read my blog regularly know, I am in a very unhappy marriage. We have moments of happy, but those are few and far between as of late. I can honestly say that "happy" hasn't been in this house in about five years. We survive. After so many years of "surviving" you forget that this isn't what happy feels like.

We don't communicate well at all, which is why last night came as a bit of a surprise. I had a raging caffeine headache and was really not in the mood for a deep discussion which is always the time he wants to have these life altering talks.

I finally gave in because I knew that was the quickest way to get some sleep. Never in my life have I been so honest with him. I just told him I had completely checked out and didn't think I could ever find my place in this relationship again. I simply ceased to care enough to try any longer.

He didn't enjoy hearing that, but I told him down the road, when he looks back, he will see I didn't make him very happy either and he will be glad this happened. In all honesty, I checked out of this relationship five years or so ago. My kids kept me here as well as the fear of going out on my own with the two little ones.

While I won't discuss any future plans, I will say that it is now quite clear where we stand with one another. With him, this could go very calmly or could suddenly erupt into a nightmare. I am praying for calm for reasons I can't discuss.

For now my focus is on making whatever transitions the children must undergo in the next several months, smooth and as painless as possible. I have said quite firmly more than once that our sole concern should be those two babies and making sure they understand both their parents love them and will always do whatever necessary to protect them.

It was a difficult yet somewhat weight lifting conversation. This morning I felt more than ready to hit the trail and take Emily for our morning walk. I felt such a sense of relief knowing that the pretending ended last night.  No more putting a smile on my face and discussing "our" future. We do not have one as a couple, and I am perfectly okay with that.

Negativity can kiss my ass

The day started out AMAZING. I got a phone call at 6 am (who does that?) that was nothing but great news that put a smile on my face and made me happy. By 8:20 I had totally put that out of my head and was starting to have a meltdown. I couldn't find Caleb's school binder (still have no clue where that thing is), Em is sick and really feeling yucky, I needed to get cash at the store before dropping Caleb off, and a whole bunch of other nonsense. I could feel my tension rising and realized it had to stop.

A friend once told me that after you spend time in a difficult relationship, your body begins to crave that adrenaline that comes from the constant walking on egg shells, so that even when life is calm (especially when life is calm) your body makes you feel there is something wrong and you try and trigger the stress it craves.

Textbook case this morning. Things were going well, extremely well, so how could I sabotage it? I almost did, but today I stopped myself and said no way. Today I didn't allow myself to go to that dark place.

I shook off the bad mood as best I could and told myself no matter what, Emily and I were taking our walk. I did change the location from the beach to here at home around the lake as usual. Emily is really sick with a cold and the last thing she needed was that ocean breeze.

Because of trick or treating last night, the stroller was in the back of my car, which was perfect. I didn't even have to come in and look at all the things I needed to to around the house and give myself the chance to cancel the walk. We got home from dropping Caleb off and loaded up in the stroller and headed out.

I can't say it was easy or I had some magic epiphany. I can say it felt good. Emily loves these morning walks and I do as well. I was doing some mental debating as we began trying to convince myself if I didn't feel like walking the whole way, that would be okay. I could walk to the end of the block and just turn around and head home. That counted, right? NO, it doesn't.

The end of the block came and I told myself that the route stayed the same no matter what. I had to chant "eye on the prize" about a million times, but before long we were at the lake. Oh, what fun that was.

I think I have mentioned the um, somewhat disturbed, homeless man that typically stands outside the 7-11 with a sign that reads "Obama sucks...vote Romney". He is out there for hours. Well, not today. Oh no, today he was dumpster diving at the lake. Lucky me. There is one large path around the lake. He was going the same way on the path that I happened to be going. At every turn he had to remind me that Obama "sucked" and that I should vote for Romney. Why thank you, I take all my political advice from homeless men dumpster diving.

I finally got ahead of him and happily finished the walk around the lake and began the walk back home. We had just walked inside our gates when who do I see? Yes, Romney's campaign manager. Great, now he knows where I live. Would it be wrong to wear an "Obama" shirt tomorrow for my walk?

Today negativity tried to get the better of me, but I am pleased to say I kicked its ass. Will I do it tomorrow? I can't say for sure, but I can say I am damn sure going to try.

Now time to run some errands and have a wonderful rest of my day.

OSA Day 3

Today was a change. I went walking with a friend over in her neighborhood. We thought a change of scenery would be nice and it would give us a chance to talk. Yes, I do have local friends, no matter what people think.

The walk was a bit shorter than what I have been doing, but there was this nasty hill than kind of sneaks up on you. It wasn't a HILL in the sense of OMG that is one hell of a hill, but more a "you can do this, I am more like a ramp...no biggie" until you start walking up it. It then becomes Mt. Everest and handed me my ass on a platter. The upside was that I was worried the shorter walk would not be enough for me. I am pleased to say, it was more than enough.

We rushed home and chilled for a bit before time to go back to Caleb's school for "family lunch day". Thankfully he wanted something different than the norm, so I had no lines to wait in to pick up his food. Double score that I convinced him that signing him out and coming home to eat would be way more fun. Poor thing was ready since I totally forgot to pack him a change of clothes for after the costume parade and he was sweating like crazy.

Now we are home and getting ready to finish up his homework so he can go out tonight without worry. My legs are not near as sore as yesterday and my feet have agreed to a temporary truce, so I am thinking this is working.

I keep getting a few people that are amazed I can give up sugar without much trouble. The truth is, with the exception of soda (which I kind of weaned off of a few months ago) and sweet tea, I don't do sugar. I am not a huge cookie or candy person, so it isn't that difficult. When I was about twelve, my mom met my step dad and since he preferred no sugar, she stopped making sweet tea. I could either sweeten my own or learn to deal. I learned to deal and can drink it unsweetened fairly easily.

I have a goal and my eye is very firmly focused on the prize. Thanks to a very dear friend that kind of put it all into perspective, I know where my focus should be and the rest just has to figure itself out later.

Seems we will be trick or treating in our old neighborhood again. Caleb expressed his desire to drive over, so my plans on staying close to home have been altered. Hey, I can go with the flow and I know the route over there far better than over here, so we know he will get tons of candy.

I will be posting pics tomorrow. I can't wait to see Emily actually in her costume. I have refused to let her wear it before since I knew she wouldn't want to take it off. Last year it was almost Christmas before she wouldn't ask to put her Olivia costume on, and this one is so super cute, I didn't want it ruined.

So, there you have it Operation Skinny Ass day 3 was an ass kicker and we are going out begging for candy tonight. Good times.

Operation Skinny Ass

Day 2

OMG is all I can say. I went from being a fairly inactive (as inactive as a mom of five can be) to a walking machine. Yes, I realize that my distance leaves a lot to be desired, but since this is only day 2, I am pretty happy to report I made it 3.8 miles today. That is .5 more than yesterday.

My body fought me all morning long. I didn't want to go. My legs were sore. I won't even mention my poor feet and the condition they are in, but I knew I HAD to go. Thankfully I have some awesome friends on Facebook that were ready to kick my ass if I didn't get out there.

It would have been so simple to take a shorter route today and just pacify myself with "at least I walked", but once I got out I knew this would be the route I had planned after yesterdays walk. My goal was to increase my distance while making the best use of the lake path. I thought about it all last  night and realized with just a simple route change, I could add that .5 to my workout.

So, Miss Emily and I dropped Caleb off at school, came home, and off we went. I knew that if I gave it even a seconds thought, I would come up with some reason why today's walk should be cancelled. The man (who was home since he worked last night) did his best to discourage me without sounding discouraging. I didn't even look back to see what he was saying, we just headed out the door.

Getting started had to be the most difficult today. By the time I had made it halfway down the road I was thinking how much longer it seemed as opposed to yesterday. Emily is the best partner though. She insisted I take the earbuds out and we enjoy the music through  the speakers on the stroller. Hearing her sing  along got me giggling and the journey became a bit easier. In no time we were at the lake.

Today's path required a bit of winding around in order to maximize the full path and get the miles in  needed. We set out and found our rhythm pretty easily. Soon, Em grew tired of my music and wanted the phone. Earbuds went back in and pretty quickly we were done with the 1.5 route of the lake. Now off the path and the longer route back home.

I seriously thought that last bit was going to be the end of me. I was DRAGGING and still had over a mile before we were home. No way in hell was I going to call for someone to come pick us up. We were  so close. I could do this.

I put some Train on and I just pushed my way each step. By the time we reached our road, I was thrilled. I had done what I didn't think I could and felt great. Okay, maybe "great" is an over statement. Truth be told, my feet are killing me, my legs are burning, and I feel like I got hit by a mack truck, BUT overall I feel great.

Tomorrow we are sticking to our 3.8 path. I want to push myself without killing myself.  Day 2 without sugar and sweets is going okay. I just keep telling myself that nothing taste as good as skinny feels.

I am off to beg my feet for forgiveness. See you on Day Three.

Truth is

I stole this idea from April. She loves me though, so I'm sure she won't mind.

Truth is, I have never connected with anyone the way I connect with you.

Truth is, I am a fantastic actress and can fake it with the best of them. Those smiling faces of me right after I moved here? They just hid the absolute sadness and were put on because I knew you would somehow see the pictures. We ran with a small group, honestly, I knew and wanted you to hurt.

Truth is, I hoped you would see me with someone else and realize your mistake.

Truth is, when I tried several times to get you to respond and got nothing, I put you in the back of my mind and did the best I could to make a life for myself with the man in my life.

Truth is, I was happy at times. I could go months without you crossing my mind.

Truth is, it would be the stupidest thing that brought you to the forefront. Like I am flipping channels one night and "The Mummy" is showing. BAM, I'm right back there in San Antonio walking along the river with you.

Truth is, I always hoped we would find each other again.

Truth is, I would have left in a heartbeat had you said "come back".

Truth is, that would have been a mistake for both of us. Not because "we" are wrong, but because "I" was reacting and not thinking.

Truth is, those I love the  most in the world feel like this is going to end with me hurt even more.

Truth is, as much as I love them and respect their opinion, I don't care what they think. There were only two people in this relationship and we are the only two that can know what we felt. (To those dear friends that are reading this, I love you dearly and I know you come from a place of love. Please don't take my words wrong)

Truth is, never has the sound of someones voice made me smile the way that yours does.

Truth is, making love to you was the closest I have ever felt to perfect.

Truth is, I hate what I said to you. I would take it back and tell you I'd wait forever if only you would answer my call.

Truth is, I am putting my body through hell in the hopes that someday you will pass my way and fall in love all over again. I gave up all sugar...we all know how much I love sugar.

Truth is, you are worth it.

Truth is, I remember our conversation last year at this time talking about carving pumpkins and taking the kids trick or treating and wish it were you by our side this year.

Truth is, there are days I wonder if this is all a waste of time. Have I lost you for good?

Truth is, I can't even think about that because it would break my heart.

Truth is, I love you. I fell in love with you in San Antonio...

Truth is, I wish you would say something...anything...please.

Operation Skinny Aas

I thought about calling it Operation Skinny Bitch, but we already have a Skinny Bitch, so Ass worked best.

Last night my insane friends, Skinny Bitch, Skore, and pretty sure the Hag showed up at some point, decided to post some rather unflattering pictures of me from a Vegas trip a few years back. I haven't laughed that much since the trip. It also got me motivated.

I had already purchased the amazing jogging stroller and was ready to finally really give it a workout. I had done a few "trial runs", but nothing like what I had envisioned when I made this purchase. Finally today, I got my real walk/run in.

I woke up after some of the best sleep I have had in months, totally determined that this was the day. Caleb was still feeling puny, but I knew once he got to school, he would be fine. Besides...I had my walking to do. Emily and I get him dropped off and race back home. I quickly put some warmer clothes on her, grab my shoes, and prepare for our walk.

We have water for me. Juice for her. Two pedometers (neither of which worked so a trip to the store is on the list for today), the Kindle, Ipod, and phone. Em started with the Kindle and was quite disturbed that she lost WiFi the second we left the parking lot. That was quickly tossed into the basket and she chilled with the music on the ipod for a bit. I finally gave in and gave her the phone. She apparently wasn't enjoying my playlist, so she put on youtube and was jamming to her own tunes. This allowed me to unplug the ipod from the stroller, put my earbuds in, and go to town. By this time we had made it to the lake/park.

I took the 1.5 mile route around the park today. My feet were letting me know bandaids should be on my list as well since the shoes were rubbing a blister. Tomorrow, with the aid of those bandaids, I hope to take the 2 mile route. It was at least a 1.5 mile route I took TO the park, so we are at 3 miles so far and I still had the trip home.

I am going to get out later and mark it exactly so I have a better idea of how far it was and a great place to jump start from. We were about halfway around the park/lake when my body starts figuring out I am torturing it. I just kept on walking. I don't run due to a chronic issue with my knee. It can't take the pounding and my fat ass can't take the running. It works for us.

It was during the walk around the  lake that I realized I was right to not drive to the park for the walk. Had I done so, I could have very easily cut the walk short by taking the halfway path and gone to the car. This way I had no choice. If I wanted to get home and sit down, my ass had to walk there.

The plan is to do this twice a day. Once in the morning with just myself and Emily and in the early evening with Caleb and Liz along for the trip. I fear my walks won't be as long when we add Caleb because he likes to ride his scooter so I have to be aware of where sidewalks are and are not, but I love having him come with me so if a shorter walk is required, so be it.

If I can keep this pace, by May I am pretty sure Operation Skinny Ass will be complete. When, not if as I almost typed, I drop the first twenty pounds, I am rewarding myself with a new belly ring piercing. It is the least I can do for myself.

Taking care of the whole "identity theft" issue and opening my own bank account? 100 bucks for the initial opening. New to me jogging stroller? 80 bucks. Learning that I am an independent woman worthy of so much more than this life I am living? Priceless.

Look out world...this time I mean it...HERE I COME!!!

Not a freaking clue

I have no clue what I am going to write about. This works well for me over on momaroo so let's try "ramble blogging" and see where we end up.

Operation Skinny Ass is on. My jogging stroller is the bomb and we have big plans. Tomorrow we (the stroller and I) are taking Emily for a nice long walk at the beach. Mission has a wonderful path and with this puppy, we can cover quite a bit of distance. When Caleb gets home, we repeat the distance, only around here. I am figuring by the time we cover the distance to the lake, walk around it, and walk home, we are at 3 miles easy. 3 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon. Walk this shit off or die trying.

My Ipod has once again become my best friend. Nothing horrible is going on around here, but I feel myself just starting to taste independence and mentally checking out. The every day bullshit is (to quote T Swift) "so exhausting" and this brain needs a break.

I can't wait to get home to help out Whitney with the new baby and see my sweet baby B. I miss that little bugger so much. I also get to finally meet the new man in her life. I hope he is as fantastic in person as he seems now. Baby girl deserves happy.

My morning walk was cancelled due to Emily having serious tummy issues. Thankfully, a strong shot of the miracle drugs seems to have helped. She will be on heavy doses all week long to help get her regulated and then hopefully I can wean her off to normal doses to maintain. That child is amazing with how she deals with this stuff day in and day out.

I am hoping to squeeze in a walk tonight with Caleb and Em. It is the most relaxing thing I have done in a long time. I just plug the ipod in and Emily starts singing along and off we go. I forgot how awesome Cragislist could be for deals. A like new jogging stroller for 80 bucks. The ipod dock was the clincher. Caleb has already discovered he can plug my phone in as well and jam to his favorite songs on Youtube. I am raising two music crazy kids and I love it.

Except at times like this where Emily is sitting right next to me blaring One Direction. Even with my earbuds in, I can  hear them. Ugh...not my type of music AT ALL. Thankfully, I control the tunes when we walk and my playlist is all we work from.

Okay, that is my ramble for the day. Drunk blogging later tonight if you are lucky.

It's late...

And I'm awake thinking of you. It completely and utterly sucks. I wish I could do what you do and compartmentalize my feelings, but I just can't. You know better than most, I wear my heart right out in the open. Last time I wanted to hurt you the same way you hurt me. I flaunted my new relationship in your face hoping it stung. This time? I don't want you hurt.

I want you to be happy and if your happiness isn't with me, I love you enough to TRY and say goodbye. Hell, who am I kidding? I don't want to say goodbye. I want to finally break those walls and get you to talk to me. I want to drive up there and try and get you to open the door so you can see the truth.

I  miss your voice. I miss your laugh. Okay, not so much you laughing at me, but at this point, I'd take that.

I am trying to be mature and "give you space". If you haven't noticed, that is not something I'm really great at. Sorry, basically I suck at it.

I miss you, BUT as you often told me...you can't make someone love you. God knows I've tried.

If this is your choice, I have to respect it. I don't have to like it. I don't have to agree, but I do have to respect it. I love you enough to want your happiness above my own.

Being a grown up sucks and if you ever decide you want to give this another whirl...I won't be hard to find. Trust me...I'll make it easy for you....billboards...postcards...whatever you need.

I just want you happy. Tell me you are happy and I will do my best to quietly go sit in the corner. Come on...you know just once you want to see me keep quiet...

BTW...it's late...and my phone is right beside me...ya know...just in case you forgot what I sound like and really need to know...

They don't know...

Or do they? I find myself repeating this question often throughout the day. Am I just some pathetic woman that put too much into a fling or am I the girl that fell head over heels and screwed up the best thing that ever happened to her? I know what I think. I think I know what you would say, but the fact that I have even the smallest of doubts is what infuriates you.

Those first few days of conversation you were so adamant that there was no way I could doubt your feelings and when I talk to you, I don't. It is those quiet moments in my own head that are my downfall. My friends care about me and they think you hurt me. They don't know you so they don't know I hurt you first. At least I think I did. You can see why most people think I am some crazy chick that can't get her shit together. So...for the purpose of this therapy session, we are going to go with the fact that you can't fake what happened between us...I was there and it was real...I think.

Where was I going with this? Oh yes...I am infamous for my "talk is cheap" line. "Actions speak louder than words" and all that other bravado bullshit. Hello pot, this is kettle...you're black. I am the biggest talker of all time. I talk about what I want and what I plan and then I don't do shit to get there. I blame you for your lack of action and here I sit with my big dreams a year later in the exact same place. At least you took a step to get your dream. I just talk.

My "all talk/no action" stopped about a week ago. I took steps necessary to follow my heart. No, you don't have to believe me. I don't expect you to. I didn't believe me either until I actually did it. One small step to many, but a huge one for me. Firm things put into place that will help me reach the goal of independence. If you happen to be there when I reach that goal, perfect...I want my best friend back. If you aren't...it will forever be my loss and I will always remember my time with you. I have a ways to go and much to accomplish but no doubts that I will.

I am a screw up. I made mistakes that I can't change. I want you to know that in spite of what my friends think, I own this one. I walked away when I didn't get what I wanted "rightnow" instead of taking it slowly and finding our way through a land mine.

I will not justify any of my actions. I fucked up. End of story.

Your silence hurts. It reminds me of the last time. I will never tell you the full details of how badly it got, but just know I won't allow myself to break like that again. Each day I get up, put a smile on my face, and move forward. I remind myself I did this, no one to be angry at but the girl in the mirror. I hate that girl right now, but she is fighting back and making strides to make it right.

I sometimes call late at night when I know you are at work just to hear your voice on the machine. It is those times I hear you talking about the girl who thought you two had a thing, but you barely spoke with her. Is that me? Did I invent this in my head? Was it not everything I think it was? I then remember the feel of your hand in mine. Your lips on mine...waking up in your arms...and I think no, it was real and I was there.

I don't deserve another chance. I know this. I don't even know if you will ever read this. I secretly hope you stalk my Facebook, but that is when that voice starts chanting "crazy" and I change my thought process.

I miss you. If you never speak to me again I will understand. I will hate it, but I will understand. If you do plan on speaking to me sometime in the future, could you please not wait ten years? We aren't getting any younger and I selfishly would like to have some happy times with you before I'm too old to know who the hell you are.

I will wait forever if necessary. You are worth the wait no matter what I said before. Losing you twice just hurts that much more.

Just baring my soul hoping I'm memorable enough for you to at the very least occasionally peek at my wall and see what is going on and come across this.

If I am that crazy lady that made far too much of something, let me know.

And on a final note...to quote Taylor..."I've never heard silence quite this loud". Is the story of us really over?

Dear You

Dear You,

I am not going to go into this whole long "I am an idiot and so sorry" blog because frankly, that shit is not working. So, why am I writing this? Hell if I know. You won't read it. You won't talk to me. You ignore my phone calls and emails. Most people would say fuck it and move on.

I can't do that and you know why. When this happened before, I did just that. You wanted me to move on and forget you, so I did my damnedest to grant your desire. I can say I moved on (about eight months later, not the eight days you claim), but I can't say I forgot you. You were always there in the back of my mind. Pathetic? Maybe. 

I sit here tonight just listening to some music (yes, Taylor Swift is on the playlist) and thinking of all the things I could have done differently. I could have stood my ground all those years ago, but really, do you think it would have changed your mind? You say had I given you time, you would have come around. That you were close to giving in when I moved on, but I call bullshit. Maybe you were, but is it fair to tell me that now?

I don't excuse my actions. I did move on (quickly) and I have no good explanation except to say that I am not the same person. I was very sheltered (as you know) and terrified of standing on my own. I was beaten down and afraid of my own shadow. Not an excuse, just a factual statement. He offered me what you couldn't (or wouldn't). I heard often that had you loved me, you would have made the commitment. Obviously he loved me in a way that you never did. Obviously, I was an idiot and paid dearly for the choices I made.

Today, I would laugh at that line and call bullshit. I was there, I know what we had. No one else can understand what happened because there was only the two of us in this. I hesitate to say "relationship"...why is that? Something to ponder.

You won't read this, but at least I said it. No more "sorry" bullshit. Just a simple...here is my heart...try and not break it because it will forever be yours. 

Love, 
Me

PS...Anytime you want to remove your head from your ass and pick up the phone...just let me know.

I am such a liar

As I was coming here to blog, I happen to read the last one I posted. I lied. I hurt him again. I didn't believe in his feelings and I pushed him away before he had the chance to push me. I am an idiot.

That isn't what this blog is about though. I just happen to read that one and had to say that. No, today it is about correcting my mistakes and moving on.

A week or so ago after a very difficult conversation with someone, I realized some not so fun things about myself. For all my "talk is cheap" bullshit I put on others, I am guilty of the exact same. I talk a great game, but when it comes time to take action, I freeze up. Today I took my first steps to stop doing that.

For the past two years I have said that I was going to open my own account. Most of you know that the spouse refuses to add my name to his. It is strictly about control. When I am "behaving" I have full access to all the money I could need. When I "step out of line" suddenly I can't be trusted and the debit card is taken, the password is changed for online access, and I am left with whatever I happened to have in cash in my wallet. Most days that would be about five dollars or less. I can't even cash a check for cash because he has it where he is to be called whenever someone presents themselves at the bank for such things. He thought of everything.

For one reason or another, I never followed through. Fear was one of them. What if he found out? Where would I get the funds to open my own account, etc? A few weeks ago I got my answers.

I won't bore you with the details, but things came to a very ugly point. I was once again cut off from funds and thinking I was going to have to suck it up until my latest gig was over and get as far as I could with the proceeds from that. I might have made it to Arizona.

A few days later when he realized he was being an absolute ass, I saw my opening. I gave him a choice. He could either add me to the account like every other normal married couple or I would be opening my own. I would fund it bi-weekly on his paydays and any proceeds from my part time job would go there as well. I waited two weeks and my name is still not on any bank accounts (as I knew would be the case) so I did what I said. I opened my own.

I have more than enough cash put away somewhere in which to fund it and am just waiting for my check to arrive to add more. I have done a totally online account so that no bank statements will be showing up in my mailbox. I also used my cell phone and private email for any correspondence.

Never again will I be put in a position where I have to call someone out of fear. I will have enough put away with just these two deposits to get the children and I somewhere safe. In a few weeks there will be enough to ensure we can make it to Texas without worry.

It has been a long time coming, but I did it. Fear will no longer hold me back.

I have a long way to go before I am ready to step out of here on my own terms, but if the need arises, I can step out and be okay until I can get home.

I realize talk is cheap baby, but I'm no longer just talking. I don't expect you to forgive me or even believe me. I just hold out hope that soon you will realize I am doing what needs to be done and I am doing it on my own. I'm not looking for you to pick me up when I fall...I'm a tough girl...I can handle picking myself up and dusting myself off. Of course, if you want to kiss my boo boos...I am totally okay with that.

Life begins today...it's about damn time.

All In

A few days ago some friends and I were talking and it led me to admit that I am totally an "all in" kind of person. What I mean is that I know what I want, and I do not want to wait for it. I have very few virtues and I can assure you that patience is not one of them.

I have come to realize how difficult that can be when I happen to be head over heels for someone that is more a "thinker" and less an "all in" personality. When I push for things, his natural instinct is to think about all the millions of things that could go wrong.

It doesn't mean he doesn't long for the same things I do, it just means he is more cautious. Sometimes that makes me crazy. I am sure he would say the same about me. LOL

Just because I don't verbalize every fear that crosses my mind, it does not mean I haven't given them consideration. My idea is that I would rather try and fail than to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?"

When he brings up his fears, he thinks I dismiss them without giving them thought. That could not be farther from the truth. I worry about uprooting my children. I worry about not being the woman  he thinks I am. I worry about a ton of things. However, to quote a line from my new favorite movie "You can have chicken shit or you can have chicken salad...which do you want?"

I want chicken salad damnit. I don't have all the answers. I can't promise that this won't be a mistake and that we won't get hurt, but I can promise that I am willing to take that first step and just trust that the rest of the staircase is there, even when I can't see it.

I can promise I won't push and I won't dismiss the fears. I will be the best mom I can be to my children and help them through this transition as much as humanly possible. I can promise you that I will be standing on my own two feet and not looking to you to catch me if I fall.

I don't have all (or even any) of the answers, but I do know unless we open that book, we will never know how this story ends.

I'm sorry that I am an "all in" type of girl, but in my defense, you knew that years ago. And in yours, I knew you tended to think and see things from all angles before proceeding. They say opposites attract, and goodness knows we attract, so from this point forward, I promise to appreciate our differences and stop trying to pound your square peg into the round hole. (Yes, I realize how that sounds and get your dirty minds out of the gutter...that was not what I meant. )

I can't say we won't get hurt, but I can say I will do my best to never hurt you again.

(Sorry, I said no blogs about us, but this was on my mind.)

Realizations

A few weeks ago I began two new medications. My panic attacks were out of control and the stress on my body had just reached a breaking point. I have now been informed it might be a thyroid issue, but have learned that in times of intense stress, one can throw their thyroid out of whack and once the stress is relieved, things balance out again. I go back in a month for a recheck and we should know something at that time.

Anyway, after having it confirmed that my stress level was at an all time high, the kind doctor gave me the two magic pills to help me though the day. Never in my life have I had to take two, but apparently I looked that nuts. Things are better, but I have a long way to go before I can consider myself "normal".

I decided after the fog had begun to clear that perhaps it would be a good time to reevaluate my relationship and see if my "mental instability" was the cause of the conflicts. I spent the last week doing my best to come at things with a different attitude. I was quieter, less quick to anger (totally due to the meds), and really focused on how I spoke and responded to things. Part of me just had to know if my mental break was the problem or was I right in thinking there was more at work.

Well, I can tell you that my mental break is NOT the problem. Communication is still such a joke and I have an even clearer view of the failings in this relationship. Things are fine as long as I am "yes'ing" him to death, but the moment I express an opinion that does not fall in line with his, we are back to square one.

His son is still a huge problem in our lives. The way he continues to refuse to enforce rules and allow him to do as he pleases further proves that we will never see eye to eye.

I think he had  hoped that me medicated would simply make me easier to control. Unfortunately for him it has just given me my voice back minus much of the delicate emotions behind it. I don't cry. I don't yell. I make calm statements about what is wrong in our marriage and how I don't see it ever resolving.

While I still don't have answers as to how and when exactly I am making this break; I know without a moments hesitation it will be sooner rather than later and that the children and I are going to be just fine. God is already putting things in place to make the adjustment easier on all of us.

I learned a few days ago that Caleb's beloved principal will be leaving his school at the end of the year. He is less upset at the idea of leaving as a result. The large acting gig I beg to work every year, but never seem to fit in a needed role, has been semi confirmed for me. I am just waiting on my schedule to find out how often I will be utilized to determine how much I will be paid. It is a month long project with several of us playing the same role, but even a minimum of five performances pads my "move fund" greatly.

My heart and soul loves Southern California. I, as well as Caleb and  Em, are total beach bums, but if life takes us back to Texas, last I checked we had some beautiful beaches there as well. Yes, they are more than a twenty minute car ride, but just think of the fun we can have driving to South Padre for a week? If life carries me elsewhere, I am okay with that too. My home is simply where my children and I lay our head in peace, the address is just logistics.

So, here you have me...heavily medicated, but completely calm and at peace with whatever comes my way. It feels good...I gotta say.

Ramblings

Not exactly sure where this one is heading. Two days ago I sought out help for the ongoing panic attacks. The doctor was wonderful and prescribed two medications that are helping thus far. I have a long way to go before my body is back to normal, but I am on the right path and that is what matters.


I had a little fun on my other blog yesterday testing out a theory. My husband seems to believe his family couldn't care less what I post over there and never reads it any longer, but I find that hilarious. I have no doubt they are reading it looking for clues as to what is going on in our lives. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

As you know, I purposely changed the direction of that blog and began to write my real life things over here. Well, in reality, I haven't written much anywhere for quite some time. My mind and body really did just shut down and I was doing all I could to just survive each day.

Yesterday after my first nights sleep in six days I actually felt like writing. I headed to the original blog and pretty much spilled my guts about the meds. I am guessing within three days my husband will be receiving an oh so innocent phone call inquiring as to how I am doing. God knows I am not talking to those idiots, but this will be funny if I prove to be right.

What he fails to grasp is that I don't care that they read the blog. I am honest and real in all I put out there. My problem is the attack I received as a result. They do not live my life. They cannot tell me I am wrong.

Anywho, here I am...so I promised to write about the things they wished I still wrote over there, and I hope to do that.

Life is pretty good. My June move out date doesn't seem feasible at this time. Money is an issue as always. Making sure Caleb and Emily are secure and safe is a big concern. My decision to remain in Southern California means that money saved needs to be about three times the amount I have so far. No big deal. I have done this for ten years, a few more months are certainly not going to hurt me.

I have made steps to get my FASFA completed for school and will be contacting them to take in the records from Emily's birth which will clearly show why I was unable to complete my semester and will take me off academic probation thus opening up my financial aid. I qualify for a full Pell and that will be the money used to make the transition from wife to single mom.

Whitney has made a great life for herself and Braiden back home, so she will most likely not be coming back and moving in with me. While I hate the thought of not having her with me, I realize she needs to take the path that is best for her and Braiden, so I support the decision.

I would love to keep Caleb in his school, so apartment hunting within Lakeside will begin in earnest next month. It will be September before I have the funds ready for a move in, but I can start doing my homework and seeing which complex offers us the best for our funds.

The love of my life keeps telling me to face everything one day at a time and Baby, that is what I am doing. So, there you have it...my goals for the next few months while still trying to focus on each day as it comes.

What a day

I woke up in such a good mood and it seems like the stars aligned and did their very best to ruin that mood. The good news is that with a few deep breaths, a few screams into my pillow, and perhaps an F bomb or twenty, I won out and my mood is still on the decent side. I am annoyed though and figure what better place to get those annoyances out than  here. Time for a bullet presentation of what exactly is working Ange's last nerve today.

• While I never experimented with recreational drugs, I did not grow up under a rock. I fully understand the meaning behind "4/20", so when my fourteen year old daughter decides to put up as her status on Facebook "Happy 4/20 Day" I AM going to say something. I don't care if that angers her or not. Act stupid and you will hear from me. The resulting sassy mouth has left me reaching for the tequila bottle frequently. Sadly, the tequila taste a lot like a strawberry shake since I refuse to drink while alone with the kids. Damn this responsible parenting. 
• My mini me and her ever changing mind. I want her home more than words can express, but I can't continue to ride this roller coaster known as Whitney. "I want to come home. Well, I want to come home, but I want to go back for a month and then come home for good in June. I can't afford a ticket back so I'm not coming. Okay, Matt is willing to buy me a ticket, but I have to be home by the 30th." My head hurts just typing that. She NEEDS to come home. End.Of.Story. She does  not need to go back there. I have found out something that disturbs me greatly and my only goal is to get her back here so I can get her finished with school and on the right path again.
• What did I discover? You might want to reach for the vodka..this is a good one. First, the HOW I discovered it...my mother and I spoke yesterday. She began with "There is something I need to tell you, but you have to promise me you won't say a word." That is never a good start. It seems that Whitney has moved out of her father's home. Now, I knew that much since I pay attention on Facebook. Yes, I discovered my MINOR daughter moved out of her dad's home via FB. Isn't technology grand? That isn't what bothered me. She is almost 18. She is holding down a job. If she can afford to get out and care for herself and Braiden these last few weeks until she moves back here...no problem. Wait, there is more?

Oh yes, there is more. The girl she is living with? Oh yes, she apparently is the girlfriend of Braiden's father. You know him...the piece of shit that hasn't paid one dime in support to Braiden's care? Yeah, him. Oh wait, did I mention...she is pregnant? Yes...rumor has it that my beautiful, seemingly intelligent daughter has lost her damn mind and moved in with the father of her child's pregnant girlfriend. Why no, I don't know why that would worry me at all. 

I promised to take each day as it came and not freak out over things I couldn't handle or didn't have answers for. One day at a time is my new motto, but today has been an absolute test of my strength. 

I will say that I haven't completely flipped. I am annoyed and a bit stressed, but not necessarily about my future. I will figure this out step by step. I am more annoyed that my daughter's are acting so completely nuts. It makes me realize how badly things got messed up so many years ago. I should have fought harder back then, but I was one person fighting fifteen. 

I can't change the past. The best I can do is promise Caleb and Emily that I will do my best by them. I am not the same girl that came to California all those years ago. I am stronger and am no longer alone. I have amazing friends and my mother and I are rebuilding a relationship and I know she will be by my side if  I need her. That is enough for me.

So, there you have it...time to shake this negativity and focus on what tomorrow might bring.

Finding my way

As I go back and read the few entries I wrote before I abandoned this blog, I see a recurring theme. I am so over myself. I whine far too much.

Tomorrow will be the day I blog it all out and get it out of my system.

I so miss writing. I miss putting it all out there and getting an understanding from the words. My head is all crowded with all the things I "can't" say on the other blog. Truth be told, there are things I won't say here either, but for different reasons. You scare easily and we are in a good place right now, so I am going to keep a few walls about halfway up for the moment.

I did miss you today. Thursdays are quickly becoming my least favorite day of the week because I know you need to sleep to get ready to head back to work. You spoil me on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I need to learn to live with disappointment.

I had a great talk with my mom. Funny, once I let her in on my big "secret" we have really opened up even more. Who would have thought that you would be the subject that brought us even closer together? Okay, not so much you personally, but the fact that I was able to open up to her and be vulnerable and not worry what she might say or do. That is huge for me. It feels good to have my mom in my life. I would say back in my life, but my mom and I have never had this type of relationship, so it is all new.

I am working really hard to do the whole "one day at a time" thing. You know me, I am a planner, but so far so good. I am going to get where I need to be one step at a time and I don't need to have this whole big FIVE YEAR PLAN in place...the next five hours are more than enough. (Yeah, I am making fun of you...it's what I do best).

So, for those that I just sent this link to...welcome to the rest of my life. I have hidden this blog pretty well, so I feel fairly confident about writing without reserve. I just ask that you not mention the name of this blog on Momaroo. Facebook is safe and I will be posting my link there from time to time, but never on Xanga.

Thanks guys...hope you aren't bored out of your mind.

Keep hanging on

Since you gave me the advice to always find a reason to smile (outside of the nothing that is you), I have taken it to heart and really given it my all. I can admit that it hasn't been that difficult to find things to smile about. I mean, I am mom to two of the most adorable kids on the planet, so life can't be all bad.

Today was the start of the weekend. You know how hard weekends are for me. I was determined to remain smiling no matter what. Damn, it was difficult. I knew it was crucial to get out of the house. If I stayed here I might fall victim to the latest nonsense with the middle son. I have thus far refrained from yelling out "You are both stupid idiots...you for thinking I would buy your story and you for allowing your son to be this way", but the urge gets stronger as the days drag on. Getting out was a must. Now, where to go?

We could go out just the two of us, but the thought of that isn't overly appealing. If we go somewhere as a family, the odds that I am going to blow my stack runs even  higher. What is a girl on the verge of losing it to do? Plan something she is pretty positive the middle child won't want to do...yes, that is the idea.

I proposed the beach. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and we both know how much I love the beach. So, I hit up Caleb first. He is game. Emily loves the beach as much as I do, so I knew she would be thrilled. Liz was next and she was a go. Now came the tricky part...the boys. My gamble paid off and the middle one didn't want to go. The idea of a few hours home alone was far too tempting. One point for me.

My thoughts were that with the main issue out of the way, this would be a nice trip. I forgot about the bigger issue.

He couldn't find a shirt. Where were all his shirts? The twenty hanging up weren't the ones he wanted. He wanted the gray one, where was it? Well, I was doing laundry...perhaps it was in the dyer. If not there, I had a load in the washer. He goes out to look and "can't find anything in that mess". Um, it is the dryer...I don't typically fold them until after they are done. I wasn't aware they should dry neatly in the tumble dry.

I take a different approach; instead of losing my mind, I go out to the dryer and take the clothes out to see if I can locate a shirt. I found 5. None of them were the one he wanted, so he finally chose one that was hanging up. We were going to the beach. The shirt was going to come off the second we smelled salt water...what was the big deal? I remind myself that I can't change him, I could only change how I respond to him. Smile, smile, smile.

We finally head to the car. "Why are these straws in here? We can't go with the car like this." There were two random straws from a Sonic run as well s a handful of wrapped peppermints. I didn't realize it was an issue. We load up and aren't even out of the driveway before the next issue arises. "How much gas did you put in here? You burned that much gas since yesterday morning? You know your car sucks gas...what were you thinking?"

Well, I put 20 bucks in yesterday morning. I then drove all the kids to school. At 12:45 I drove back to Caleb's school to drop off his cupcakes and then to Liz's school to take her out early so I could then drive to Santee to pick up Caleb's balloon bouquet. I then picked up the two older boys from school, came back home and went back to pick up Caleb. I was conned into happy hour at Sonic (hence the straws and peppermints) so that was another trip to Santee. At 4 I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up his cake and stopped at McDonald's on the way home for his birthday dinner. Apparently that took up most of my gas. Gas which I paid for with my own money, so fuck you very much.

No, I didn't say that. I smiled and simply said that I would remember not to suggest an outing as a family again if we were so concerned about the gas. He rolled his eyes and I just smiled.

We make it to the beach. I immediately feel peace. I love it there so much. It is a gorgeous day and parking is bad, but the beach is not overly crowded. For the first fifteen minutes or so it is calm. He is helping chase after Em, I am taking tons of pictures, life is good.

As always happens, he retires back to the towels. I don't mind. I am enjoying the time with the kids. It is really difficult to be pissy at the beach. Emily is having the time of her life splashing in the water. It is freaking cold, but I follow her right in. Caleb is digging in the sand up near the towels. Liz and Jake are down at the water's edge with me playing with Em. We are having a blast. I even caught myself really laughing at times. It felt great.

Suddenly I noticed the signs. Matt checking his phone (he doesn't wear a watch, that is his clock). Getting up and pacing. Putting his shirt back on to come down to talk. He is cold and hungry. Are we ready to go? We had been there half an hour. WTF?? No, I am not ready to go. I am enjoying myself and we just got here.

We make it to an hour and then he is done. He entices the kids with food and they reluctantly say okay. He promises we can go back tomorrow. On the way home it starts again. What do I want to eat? Why don't I have an opinion? Del Taco was brought up BY him. Caleb is focused on that. Suddenly maybe Costco is a better idea. What does everyone think? Caleb still wants Del Taco. Jake and Liz want Costco. Now he is pissed at Caleb for not changing his mind.

We get home to find a letter from the child support division. He immediately hands it to me. In spite of the fact that I have given them her social security number, her employers phone number, her employers address, her last known address, etc. they are unable to locate her. They are requesting address of family or friends that might know her whereabouts. I am simply reading the paper to him. He jumps in angrily "I am not involving her family in this mess". No one asked you to. I am simply reading the paper to you. You have the choice to either provide the information necessary to collect child support or you can continue to allow her to do nothing to help financially with her children. What you cannot do is bitch and moan to me after making this choice.

Yep, that pissed him off. How dare I act like that. I reiterated that I wasn't making a judgment, but merely stating a fact. If he chooses not to assist them in finding her, he has no right to bitch at the lack of progress.

It was at that point that I just put my earbuds in and cranked up the tunes. I am okay and that is all that matters. I just wish he made it easier at times.

Laughing felt good...maybe I should do it more often. Proud of me? Doesn't matter...I am proud of me.

Where did the Exit sign go?

It is getting more and more difficult to pretend. I have times, sometimes hours out of the day, that I can put a smile on my face and pretend this is okay. I can pretend that I am happy and can make this work. Five minutes at home reminds me it will never work. I simply can't do this and remain sane. Okay, perhaps sane is overstating my mental capabilities, but how about somewhat sane?

When it is just he and I, it isn't awful. It isn't all "oh I am so happy and in love", but it isn't me plotting my quickest escape. No, that happens when we walk through these doors and re enter hell. The absolute disrespect shown to me by his children wears me down. As I am telling one of them to stop doing something he is laughing in my face. He knows damn well my word means nothing and he will get away with it time and time again. I don't want to live in a home where I am treated like trash. I must get out.

Easier said than done. Fear is a big factor in why I stay. Do you think that makes me proud? It doesn't. It makes me angry that at the age of 42, I am still too scared to walk off that cliff. So what if I fall? I have had no less than a dozen people offer me help and yet here I sit, crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I guess the fear is that they will figure out the "real me" and turn their backs.

Perhaps they will discover I am indeed as crazy as I have been told all these years and turn their backs. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep. So tired of feeling like I will simply never measure up. Tired of feeling like no one could ever possibly love me. The real me. The one that spends so much time in her own head remind herself what an absolute failure she is. So tired of pretending like I just ran into something and that is why I am crying so that my kids don't know I am dying on the inside.

I remember happy. Happy was a quiet day with friends. An afternoon at the mall with the little ones. No worries, just us enjoying each other. An unexpected laugh over something entirely too silly to explain to anyone else. I miss happy. I miss me. Hell, I don't even know if I remember me.

I sat here tonight and tried to discuss with him some issues. I don't know why I even try. Within moments it was all my fault and I am breaking this "happy family". Do you think I like the idea of taking my children away from their father? The idea tears my heart out, but damnit, when do I get my chance at happy? Why does it make me a terrible mother to want more?

My greatest dream is not to go back to Texas with my tail tucked between my legs and admit to my family that once again I fucked up, but if that is where life takes me, then so be it. I just want to be the best mom to my children that I can. Living in, if not misery, than serious unhappiness, is not helping me be that mother. Will it be easy? No. Am I terrified? Without a doubt. Will I find the courage to walk out that door? I wish I knew.

One foot in front of the other...all the while praying to God I don't fall flat on my face.

Hang on, don't let go

There are days that I wonder if I can do this. Breakdowns are not fun, but I know that my body and my mind eventually reach the point of no more and I have to let it out. Thankfully I have come a long way from my hiding under the covers and hoping it all goes away. I have the ability to at the very least get up, get moving, and be the mom my children deserve. Sort of.

They notice my impatience with everyday nuisances, but know it isn't directed at them. I rarely smile, but always try and find one for them. It just sucks.

A few days ago I was told I never see the positive side of life. I disagree greatly with with that statement. It hurts me that the man who claims to know me better than anyone honestly doesn't know me at all. Our marriage isn't all sunshine and roses. I don't "just remember" the negatives. It just happens to be that we have  more negative experiences than positive.

After the incident with his family member, I hoped that he would stand up for me and tell the person that she had no right to bring that drama to my door. For the first day, he did seem supportive, but I know him and I knew it was just a matter of time before it became my fault.

Sure enough, suddenly it was me that had put it out there for others to read. It was me that simply couldn't have a positive outlook on life. It was me that caused all these problems simply because I don't know how to be happy.

I do know how to be happy. I laugh often. I just don't feel as though this is a place that is healthy for me and conducive to my finding happiness.

Today is a prime example. One of the children has a project due tomorrow. I found this out via text this morning when she demanded I run out and get the necessary supplies. Suddenly I am a terrible person because I feel that she should be held responsible for failing to take care of the matter before now. In my mind if you weren't worried about letting me know this the fifty times we have been to the store in the past month, I shouldn't be running around town at the last minute getting things.

The biggest problem is the voice in my head telling me that I am negative and can't remain positive. It is so damn loud that I swear it is giving me a headache. I also hear my husband saying "I work my ass off too, but don't expect praise for it". I don't expect praise. I expect a fucking break once a year. I wake up before the children just so I get an hour of quiet. I don't fall asleep until the last child is in bed. I run my ass all over town to get them to and from school each day. I maintain our home. I never get so much as ten minutes to myself outside of this house.

If I leave the house, I must be doing bad things. My trips to the gym? Gone. My walks around the lake? Gone. My husband works such crazy hours that by the time he gets home, I am exhausted from all the running around. Sorry, but the gym at 10 pm is not my idea of fun.

I want an hour at the beach with a book and no one saying my name. I want to sit and count the waves without having to count children in the water. I want to turn my ipod on really loud and not once have to take the earbuds out because someone needs to talk to me RIGHT NOW.

I feel like if I don't get this soon, I am going to suffer another breakdown. My body is wearing down. I am not eating, barely sleeping, and just starting not to care.

How can I see the positives in life when I can't even see the sun?

Here we go again

This is my third blog. I had one that was private, but I have reason to believe it might have been discovered and I am so tired of thinking before I write. My life is a mess, but I am going to find my way through it. I have come so far these past few years and I will be damned if I let a few dramatic freaks ruin all that progress. Welcome to my freedom.